learn to love myself more

Don’t compare yourself to others. You have no idea what their journey is about

It’s okay to love & care myself as much as I do for others…

I went to church yesterday, feeling like my spirit needed to be fed and although the sermon got a little to Evangelistic for me, there was a clear message that I got…
Its over. All the drama, the negative energy, its over. I have the courage to walk away, and know that I am ok.

I have the love of God, I have a heavenly father who loves me no matter what. Even when I forget to thank him, when I’m sad, happy or mad…he loves me. It is ok, to love myself just as much as God does and if Rah stays in my life or moves on…I will be just fine, because I am loved…and I know it.

I feel off balance and chaotic…I am too connected and am in need of some “me” time. I think I am going to go to a museum or 2 this weekend and start a new journal.

I am aware that it is not “him” that I like per se, it is how he makes me feel, that keeps me coming back. It is like a drug, this high I get when he holds me or kisses me and the memories keep a smile on my face. This, I am aware is a false sense, but it tides me over until…Is it wrong to want to have this feeling…I don’t have “feelings” for him, as in “I want you” but he has a way of drawing you in that is DANGEROUS. In part of loving myself, I have to be honest with myself and know that -yes I am somewhat using him, but I am aware that he is also using me, I hold the power and that is exhilarating…I control where this goes…and right now this is working for me.

be my own lover.

i made the mistake of loving my husband unconditionally and being his counselor/therapist/motivator/best friend/cook/clown/ while he soaks it up but selfishly distance himself from nurturing me.

i forgot to love myself and be my own motivator/best friend/clown/etc.

by loving myself more, i will be complete and can love without the fear of being hurt.

so i started to enter this as “learn to love myself” then saw someone elses goal of “learn to love myself MORE”. I think this distinction is huge. its not that i hate myself, i am just not very good to myself, i dont love myself and it is evident through my actions. Why is it we are so good at being objective and helpful with others but fall to pieces when looking at ourselves. Over the last year i have had a roller coaster of a time and need to stop and take control. I am a beautiful, strong, thoughtful, caring, smart wonderful woman… so why cant i see that and why do i not treat myself with the same respect I give others?

i am me.
i’m an amazingly sweet person, im unique, speak well, sing well, and am good with people. there are plenty of people who would love to be in my place so why should i waste even a second of my time wanting to be someone else ?. I am too good to waste time wanting that silly boy to notice me because some day…maybe after a long time..but all the same..someday…he’s going to see what he missed. someday he’s going to regret his choice of letting me pass by.
why in the world should i start loving myself less because of that. i need to love myself and i dont need anyone’s help for that.
i am a mcDonalds loving, tree~climbing, childish, LOVELY person. and before i look for love in anybody else for me..i need to love myself.
i am me.
and it’s high time i come to terms with that fact.

I hate conflict, I hate negativity, and so to counter this, I often let crap roll off my back, but I have discovered that while not all things need to be addressed, I need to begin to stand up for myself more. I am not a door-mat, just because I am sweet woman who likes to see others happy doesnt mean that one can say or do anything to me. There is a hint of “people pleasing” within me, and like many a need for acceptance, but at what cost? Part of learning to love myself MORE is standing up, and speaking out and knowing that it is “OK” to sometimes make waves…
It is the violent waves crashing against the stone, that smoothes it out and reveals the history, trials and triumphs that lie beneath….

I need to pamper myself more…My bday I am going to a spa…but I need to find the little things -mini treats, if you will, like the cute un-mentionables and massages and small indulgences in ice cream—Dates/moments with myself.