Be honest with myself

I think I’m closer to figuring out what’s right for me.

I’m not being honest with myself.. in a lot of areas… like with food and with feelings.. i keep hiding my feelings.. i end up crying and feeling miserable… i eat too much although i don’t want to.. and i don’t know why i do that.. i’m not allowing myself to feel my feelings.. i’m not being truthful to myself.. and i’m sick of that.. i deserve to treat myself with much more care and love.. i need to pay attention to myself and what’s going on within me… and when i sit down and listen to myself, the solutions show up… i just need to pay more attention.. i need to CARE about me!

I would really like to put this into practice into my life. I think it will help putting many other things into place. When one is honest, they live according to their true inner being and with integrity, flourishing with every choice they make because they know deep down they are being authentic, no matter how difficult or painful it may be to face certain aspects of and to admit various things to oneself.

I’d like to pursue this in relationships, in particular, with decision-making, considering my true motivation, desire and feelings towards something. Being honest even if it means admitting to myself that the reasons behind doing something are not coming from the right place and considering other alternatives/options.

In being honest I’ve discovered: I’m likely BPD, I ruin everything around me, I think too much which makes me miserable, and lastly that I’m not sure I can handle my life even though it should be pretty simple. I don’t know how well I like honesty.

Firstly, I hate facing the truth. I always seem to lie to myself to gain satisfaction, but it doesn’t usually end up making me happy anyway. For some reason I end up facing the truth. When this happens, I usually feel annoyed, upset and angry. I have really high standards of myself, and if I’m not up to that standard I end up hating myself. I want to be honest with myself, and accept who I are.

Being honest with myself also means that I am honest about my feelings to others. This is the hard part, where I have to step out and fae disapproval and disagreement.

I wither when faced with opposition. This has always been my way. Changing this requires gumption and assertiveness and maturity. Do I have enough of these qualities to face the world? I’ve been practising on my husband, who is as contrary and argumentative as I could want, and it is getting easier to deal with the fact of opposing viewpoints, but there are some significant issues.

1. I hate being wrong.
2. I feel humiliated when I lose an argumment.
3. I haven’t figured out how to deal with people whose minds can’t be changed, even though they are wrong.
4. I sort of think that many people I disagree with are a little bit stupid. Big problem, because I need to be able to respect people to have a decent disagreement with them.
5. I get sidetracked and make things personal. In other words, I fight like a girl.

I want things to change, and I am aware on an intellectual level that I have a part to play in making the world a better place. I know that making my opinion part of the ongoing debate about issues will have an impact, and I am intelligent and lucid enough to really make my presence felt. The question is how to make the leap from intellectual awareness to participation. Fear is a mile-high wall before me right now, and my automatic reaction is to back away, hands up in the ‘I’m-not-a-threat’ position.

I am afraid to participate in life. Am I really living?

I am starting to realize I am not happy with myself about my present relationship with my boyfriend. I want to leave him and I don`t want to hurt him but he is not the person for me. He has a gambling problem that I am finally admitting to myself. He is too !!! It doesn`t change the fact he`s still a gambler with an addiction. He`s gambled 3 times (that I knew of) and he admitted he has gambled more in the past before and during our relationship. He has been lying to himself but he`s not fooling me… I want OUT!!! I deserve more!!!

This has been a journey, one that I never expected. I will be posting much more about this, but the most important thing is that I have been avoiding 43T because I wasn’t fully ready to be honest. That was a surprise, and every time I turned on the laptop, I would sort of take my own emotional temperature – how did I feel about going to 43T and facing myself? This is the first time in months that I have been able to look myself in the eye.

At first I thought my avoidance was about feelings of failure, but I had already worked through that and retooled my list so that it no longer reflects the things I feel I SHOULD do, only the things that would give me some much needed peace and maybe some joy. And still I avoided. Now I know that redoing my list was only the first step, I had to actually accept the new list as the truth, as reflecting the things that in my heart of hearts, I want in my life and am willing to work to have.

I feel new.

I have begun the process of being honest with myself. What happened was I just shut my brain off. All I could tolerate was 5 minute incriments. Which made me seem very vapid, ditzy, and … insincere. I have realized where I want to live. And I am so lucky to put my thoughts to actions. Lets keep it up. Harmony comes from thoughts and actions that are congruent.

saturn!!