I need to understand occasionally feeling down is a natural part of life. I’m trying to be thankful for all the good, but I can’t help but feel like nothing has turned out the way I expected it.
Since I’m being honest with myself, I am going to make a statement: I hate my job. 3 weeks ago
I think before I start worrying too much about my goals, I need to be honest with myself about a few things. I’m certainly not a bad person, but I have my faults just like everyone else.
I have been back in counseling for a couple of months now, because I was starting to have a breakdown. Some things happened at work, and I just couldn’t keep myself together anymore. I won’t go into detail to protect my privacy, but I feel much better now.
Anyway, one of my biggest problems has been with my father. After a lot of soul searching, I have come to realize I just don’t love him all that much. There’s a small part of me that does, but that’s just because he’s my dad. He took off when I was 15, and he’s just not there for me when I really need him. He was always good at going through the motions of being a parent, but children know when they’re second priority.
I know realize it wasn’t anything I did wrong, and even if I was a better individual, this is just how it is. He’s never going to be an integral part of my life, but I’m always going to deal with the pain of not being wanted. I need to move on. 3 weeks ago
””To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson”
How do i do this, in a world that gives you so many options, where people will always have good advice for how they think you should be or act? 3 months ago
Ow, wow…2013 has been the best so far. I don’t quite know why, but…things are rolling for me. I am in a process of therapy where I feel heard, and I am working with myself – doing healthy and positive things in my daily life. Most notably, I have added yoga, structure and crafts – allowing myself to fail and actually enjoy failure.
I feel liberated, because I see that I can make changes in my own life, small steps at a time. I actually thought that I was incapable of taking control. But I am.
Today is beautiful3 months ago
i’m not giving out any advice….but just journal what you want,,,start writing without limits. If you could have anything and it was possible what would it be, etc. just write. Write down 100 things. And the first thing you write is what you really want. Don’t question it. Just do it. That is your heart speaking. 5 months ago
My beau has been calling me out on so many things, more than me him. I didn´t realize that I wasn´t as honest with myself as I thought I was. Getting better here. 5 months ago
Oh, where to start…This is quite a big one, and something I probably will be working on for some time. It’s about changing deeply imbedded patterns of behaviour. And changing them will make some people angry, others disappointed – and me, hopefully, happy and at peace.
We – well, I at least – are socialized into being part of the pack. That often means going along with the flow, being “considerate”, and living our lives within certain narrow and constraining expectations. And, as I am starting to realize, adopting other people’s ideals and dreams. I smile, when I really want to scream. I nod, when I want to…speak my mind. I have opinions, I have my own dreams – yet, I have too often silenced myself when meeting others. Why? I wanted to belong. I wanted to be liked, to be a part of something, to be happy. And yet I struggle. With myself, with the world. With being happy.
I realized the other day, that happiness is a state of mind – and what that actually means. I need to be me, for me. This is my life. My dreams. I want to create, I want to laugh, I want to love, I want to be present.
Being honest with myself is knowing in my heart what I like and dislike, and which dreams are mine to follow.
One day at a time, getting to know myself – and being myself. 5 months ago
I allowed emotions to get in the way of our holiday yesterday. We did manage to have an okay Thanksgiving but far from the way I really wanted things to be.
I just need to deal with everything, once and for all so that I don’t have these issues popping up. I would kill to come into at least $10,000.00. I would pay back my family for their financial help. Only what they have given since I’ve turned 18 though. I can’t and wont be held responsible for my mothers shortcomings. When I was 18 thought I borrowed quite a bit during a bad time in my life where I was trying to get situated after living on my own since I was 17!! Basically I would pay a share of the 6,000.00 back to each of the respective people it was borrowed from along with a note asking if If this allowed me a place back into the family? If this warranted me a call now and then to just see how we are. Or a return phone call. Or if I call they don’t say they have to go after 4 minutes because someone is beeping in. I don’t feel right giving anyone a “now or never” option when I owe them. As soon as I can pay them back though, I think that one action will set me free. I will know, if it was truly they don’t care or if they are just oblivious to things outside their immediate worlds. As whiny and petty as it may sound I just can’t shake the feeling that these people were who I knew in my childhood, ALL I KNEW! How can they not care now just because I’m no longer a legal obligation of sorts?? But if they don’t care then I can put it behind me and move on.
A big chunk of dissappoint will always lie in myself for not being strong enough to not care anymore. I’m getting there though. 6 months ago
and in my case, the no where near good holiday ceases to exist. I’ve wrapped too much up into him and I’ve been horribly let down again.
Depression seems to be the theme this holiday season. Realization that one side of family has flat out rejected me in every way and that the other side has flat out forgotten about us, further supporting the theory that I was everyones obligation coming from an immature mother uncapable of taking care of the mess she made. Once they were no longer obligated I haven’t heard from them since, and they blow off my emails, phone calls, letters. I’ve been making excuses for them but the truth is … it is what it is. I should read the signs and try to move on.
Then there’s the fact that my mother has reemerged, along with her new kids and used every resource we had to help them get situated after she left the man who chased me off many years ago. Well now that they are situated and no longer in need of my help, she has saddled up with yet another jobless, aa member and has chosen to spend the holidays with his family, each and every year since tapping me out of my resources. :(
Dinners burning guess I better stop bitching and get to it! 6 months ago
Turns out all I needed to do was be honest with myself! I’m already feeling better having “talked/admitted” what was bothering me. I guess not having anyone here who I feel like I can be open and honest with doesn’t help. To be truthful, I’m not completely lonely. I could honestly hang out, go out, call someone up way more than I do. I just have to get over not being accepted by this particular group. I have to find a way to deal with the parties and forced smiles and pleasantries. They literally look pained to speak to me. LOL But that’s on them. I know that while we may not make as much as they do, we are damn good people with big hearts. Admittedly, the lack of money keeps us from “running” with them more often. We just don’t have the extra cash to go out to the bar or hit up every fundraiser. If that means we lose out on invites so be it. I think it’s time to start concentrating on the people who I DO HAVE! How could I forget them in my struggle to be accepted by the “in crowd”! Haha, what a concept, but this does seem to be what it comes down to. Turns out that social heirarchy doesn’t end in highschool BUT who cares! They can be better than me in their own minds.
So after some soul searching, brutal honesty, night of tears, and taking stock of who I truly do have in my life, I realize I can be over this little issue. I may be rejectable to them but to be honest, they are still in a highschool mentality. They turn on each other over silly things, gossip behind each others backs, work together to exclude someone who doesn’t fit their expectations. Why did I even want to be a part of that??
What this did do though was open the door to my feelings of rejection and hurt from childhood. I still need to “fix” that as best as possible. But since I am in a lighter mood tonight I do not wish to dwell on it for the time being. Right now I am going to concentrate on getting my little corner of the world together and showing love to the awesome people I’ve been neglecting. 6 months ago
... the depth of my lonliness and feelings of rejection has sort of helped? I took some time to lay in silence last night. I cried, sort of. I haven’t actually been capable of a good cry in a long time. But there were some tears. So I’m not completely numb yet.
I laid there feeling sorry for myself, then looking around and remembering everything I do have. But then I detested everything around me. I would trade every material thing I have to feel like I belong somewhere, loved and accepted. So that’s what I want. That’s what I need. To have it defined helps but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve only been rejected so far with my efforts. Honestly, it was a stretch trying to get along with my boyfriends, friends wives. They are all at least 10 years older, most already in their 40’s. They have known each other their whole lives, being from the same town and schools. They have a very different mindset, different taste, different opinons, values, everything. I was hiding a lot of my true self to fit in the few times I was around them. I know being myself and expressing my true opinons would be a shock to them. Different generations I guess. But if changing/hiding myself didn’t help why should I keep not being myself???
That leads to another conflict I’ve had with myself the last few years. I feel like I have completely lost myself in this effort to fit into my boyfriends lifestyle or fulfil what everyone expects of me. It’s left me feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and not good enough, not even happy with myself anymore.
Last night a long time friend from the past who I thought for sure didn’t even think about me anymore, left a comment on a silly little post. It was one of those generic post that everyone clicks share becaues they relate to it in some sort of way. The theme was about being “reserved until someone does XX and then you show them crazy”. His comment was “It’s been a while since I have seen you but I can’t imagine you being reserved.” Oh if he only knew what that comment meant to me. Maybe when I get to a better place emotionally I will let him know. He is absolutely right. I never used to be reserved. I was myself. I was colorful. I liked to be seen and I made it a point to be seen. Audacious even? I’ve turned myself into a nuetral carbon copy of the people around me all for the unobtainable acceptance I’ve been longing for. But before trying to fit in here, I was myself, and I was accepted. Maybe the people I’m trying to impress just aren’t worth it after all. Maybe it’s time to stop trying to impress others and start finding pieces of the old me again. I will never fit into the perfect housewife mold I was trying so hard to fulfil. The old me would have been proud of that. Think it’s time to start thinking like her again. 6 months ago
It comes down to that rejection thing again. Some women I have tried to impress, join in with, relate to, etc… talked about their trip to NY together. I put myself out there with the group. Volunteered on different community projects. Acted as a gopher for the latest one, running various errands as well as putting in over 8 hours at the event itself. The result? Every single one of them mentioned in the paper while I didn’t receive even a call to say hey thanks, or can’t wait to work on the next project, etc. I would NEVER do something just to see my name in the paper. I wouldn’t have even thought of it if it hadn’t been for their names being printed in the article. Wonder which of them was responsible for the publicity? :( ... It hurts to know you put yourself out there and in a sense your rejected. They don’t call me to join in, I have to seek them out. I’m wondering now if I just need to give it up. They don’t know me or anything of me but really seem to have no interest in getting to know me. I’m making a fool of myeslf everytime I try. The real reason it matters to me? They are the wives of my significant others BEST FRIENDS. So that means I see them every social function. Every gathering. Every party. I see them and they try their best to not see me. I sit alone or with the guys, or follow after my kids so as to not appear to actually be alone. Worse yet though, was the last party. The one for the first time in 8 years, we weren’t invited to. Now the husband came up to my boyfiend and said, man it most have slipped my mind but I can’t help but think that wasn’t the case. For one thing, they are supposibly best friends all the way from childhood. For another he saw my boyfriend four times a week due to working together in peewee football. Third because I know his wife looks down on me, us even. We don’t make as much money. We don’t fit their lifestyle, crowd, whathaveyou. We would be the pity invite. As sad as that sounds, I still want the pity invite. Flat out not being included has proven to be worse.
I can’t seem to make an honest friend out here. Part of my wants to move back home so bad to be around my old friends. A part of my is afraid they will reject me as well.
Rejection. I never thought in my adult life I would be dealing with it but here I am, wallowing in it. I’m tired of feeling rejected. 6 months ago
I am feeling very sorry for myself. Something as silly as a facebook delete has triggered a great deal of sadness. That delete was by my uncle from my fathers side of the family. The ONLY member of that family who I’ve been able to make contact with. There was no forwarning, in fact, we didn’t even talk much. Mostly because he didn’t respond to my emails I would send now and then inquiring on other members of the family’s well being. So I let it go and at least by having him as a friend there was that hope that one day I could reconnect with people who were a part of the first 8 years of my life! But as it is, that one link, decided I was worthy of clicking that delete button. I don’t know why it saddens me so much tonight when I accepted 18 years ago that they simply didn’t want me around anymore, for whatever reason. When my first child was born, I was actually back in my home state, and reached out to contact an Aunt from that side. She was pleasant and nice enough on the phone and promised we would get together along with my grandmother for a visity before I returned to my current state. It never happened. She wouldn’t even answer or return a phone call after I caught her off guard and unaware that day.
The thing that bothers me about that side of my family completely dismissing me, is that I had done nothing by the age of 8 to warrant that rejection. I was a child.
Now my mothers side of the family, I was always “close” to but only im proximity. I learn more now that was mostly due to my mother herself. Her lack of maturity and responsibility caused me to be a burden on her brothers and sisters and parents. When I look back I see that I was an obligation for everyone. I was the kid they dragged along to the amusement park simply because my grandmother insisted I should get to go too. I was the kid who was grudgingly included in a trip to McDonalds because once again, grandma insisted on it, but got to listen to my aunt discuss with her children how unfair it was she had to drag me along. I was taken to the zoo by an uncle who barely ever spoke a word to me! How special it was that a MALE figure in my life actually wanted to spend time with me! Even bought me some disappearing ink from the gift shop! However, when I sprayed some on his shirt to show how it works but missed my mark and got some on his face, I was the kid who was called a berage of names and told I need to grow up and act my age and no wonder noone wanted to deal with me. I was 8. And now the tears flow. I feel like I am simply feeling sorry for myself but deep down I know I am grieving for that pudgy little girl who just wanted some love and attention. I just wanted to be something special to someone and no longer an obligation. Apparently I can go on and on about this but I need to stop short tonight. To sum it up, my fathers side of the family severed contact with me at 8 and at the age of 13, my grandmother died, and I basically lost my mothers side of the family as well. Bounced around, feeling damn near homeless the majority of the time and not really welcome anywhere, well anywhere safe that is. And now, even after I’m a grown adult with a grown up world, my fathers side of the family doesn’t deem me fit to talk to and my mothers side doesn’t even remember my kids names, even though Is end pictures and emails. They don’t even call. Although I was shocked when after hurricane sandy hit, a few days later I received an email from one aunt asking if we were okay. I responded that we were and asked how she and everyone was and got no response from them on. Guess knowing we were alive was enough or knowing we were alive was disappointment enough.
Where am I going with this??? I feel like I have no family. No stability to look back on or fall back on. I get so jealous when I see tight knit families. I get downright depressed when I see one perfect woman who has a family who love and adores her and I can never have that. I will never know what it is to come from love and security. I am rejectable and unworthy of it to the ones who should care.
I don’t want sympathy or encouragment. I just need to start being honest with myself about how I really feel. When people ask me about my childhood I go on and on about the good things, but in the end they were all superficial. I can’t keep making up this life in my head and hoping that takes away the pain. I’ve got to start dealing with it. 6 months ago
that in the end, those who are honest with themselves get further in life. I think I understand now what he means. It’s just so hard to think about everything you’ve been avoiding thinking about for years. Like the thought that I might never become what I dream to be.
I might not travel the world, and become a writer, and be skinny, and adopt a child, and make a difference, and live passionately, and have true friends with whom I keep constantly in contact, and live an artistic bohemian life, and live in London, and live by the sea, and marry, and be independent, and always have control…
But there’s a great likelihood that – provided that I pull myself together and learn some things – I’ll do a great lot of these. And that it good enough. My best has to be good enough. The world is not black and white. There’s a lot of grey, and there are colours. It’s not all or nothing. It’s the best you can. With patience, I’ll find out what my best is. And I’ll teach my heart to dream about that.7 months ago
I am afraid of getting old.
I hate where I live.
I have low self-esteem around the opposite sex.
I am very insecure around the opposite sex.
I want to be a millionaire.
I want to eat lots of sweets.
I hate the fact I have bad knees.
I miss the cutie pies in my life.
I miss looking into my ex-boyfriends eyes.
I miss my mom.
I miss my dad.
I miss having a family in the house.
I wish I had lots of family close to me.
I wish I had the patience to cook a great meal.
I wish I could play professional sports.
I miss shopping in the big city.
I miss my old life.
I wish I could get excited about life again.
I desperately need muses – someone who will make me believe in something again. 7 months ago
I all ways lie to my self like ” one cut will okay” then and cutting myself a lot and sick a tried of it!!! 11 months ago