get my life back

i am a no girl. whenever an invite comes my way i say ok then usually come up with an excuse and say no. I am going to accept all invitations i can.So far i have been accepting a hens night and a few kids play dates. I have met a few new people and had some good times.I need to be more open minded!

I’ve been in a transitional phase for 2 years now.

I didn’t know we were going to fall into this recession and employment difficulties that would freeze any forward motion.

So I’ve been living in suspended animation.

I try to move forward on things I can do online or all by myself, but anything to do with home or community or job or movement has been stalled. Forever.

And I end up not doing projects or finalizing things because I keep thinking something will happen in the next few weeks and we can start over in a new place. BUT NOTHING EVER HAPPENS and I am just stuck in stasis.

We get a little bit of a positive hope and think this is it, we can move forward, and then it falls apart.

I’m really tired of it, and perhaps that is why I haven’t been on 43things so much. It’s kind of hard to be reminded of all your goals when you keep getting stalled from the outside.

But then, I know I should live as if this was my life, NOW, rather than living as if my life was about to start when the job or moving situation resolves itself.

I know I should, but I can’t quite manage it.

For the last 9 years i have slowley gone down hill!Been worrying about stupid eating disorders and stupid things.Doing stupid things like staying at home from parties cause i’m too fat!The crazy thing is up to a year ago i wasnt even that fat but from not going out i shattered my confidence and piled on 10 kilos in a few months!I need to get busy living!!!

This has been such a shitty new year. I got into a car accident at the beginning of January and 4 weeks later, I still don’t have my car back. I’ve been staying at my moms, but I’m really homesick and just so far outside of my element that everything has been such a haze. I need to get back home and back into my rhythm.

Basically I just dont give a damn anymore.

She isn’t running my life, I am.

I mean, i love her and all, but she’ll never need me as much as i need her.

So i have to move past, and if things work out, then so be it, if they dont, then oh well.

I’m going back to MY church, the one i brought you to.

And i’m going to start running MY life MY way.

I’ve been nice to everyone, even though they’re being horrible to me.

I could ruin all of your lives, but I choose not to.

But now, i’m going to be happy, and i will ignore you.

If you want to talk to me, go right ahead, i welcome it.

Like the message I sent mack, “I might not like you at this general momment, but I’ll be here if you need me.”

I lost her, it was my fault.

I tried to fix us, we were falling apart cause of my depressions, so i decided to go on a break, to one; Find out why i was depressed, and two; she needed friends not a boyfriend.

So I went on the break, come to find out, mack asked dev to homecoming… (mack WAS my “best friend”)

I get pissed and put my hand through a door and two walls.

I find out why i was depressed, i was still caught up in my dad’s death.

Mack tells me to get over it (you dont say that when ur friends dad died).

Devin says she doesn’t love me.

So here i am, a “stalker”, a “psychopath”, but im still in love, and still heart broken.

I think it’s my self.

Don’t quite have a life. Too isolated. Too poor. But I am doing better than before. Still some distance to go on this, but some has been covered.

I didn’t get my old life back, I got a better one. I learned that praying to keep onto what you’re used to (bad or good) is unhealthy. And I am glad I learned to let myself live life and let it take me instead of hiding away hoping for something that probably isn’t worth it anyways.

I want to move on from his life shattering verbal abuse and get on with my life:

• start making paintings I can be proud of
• draw regularly (I’ve started a sketch blog too, it’s at http://paopi.tumblr.com. Yipee! :)
• join & win art contests
• join art groups
• make new friends
• learn to manage my time better
• control my emotions, be less neurotic
• be more independent
• get a job, start a business
• kill my bad habits, get better habits
• be more active
• stop being so negative

I can’t say enough how good it feels to force a little more balance into my life. Yesterday, I had a “stock Chris’s new bar” party, which turned out really good.

I’m back to working out and am actively dating.

This goes to prove that the wrong woman sucks the life out of you. I can’t let it happen to me again.