feel fulfilled

I’ve made goals, I’ve made lists, I read books – but I keep finding it so much easier to do things for other people – that doesn’t fulfill me when, after a while, it actually makes me feel taken advantage of.
WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY? What do I want to do? What makes me feel…like ME. I live in a town that depressed me when I was in college – I know my parents then said that moving wouldn’t change anything – your problems follow you. But why does it seem that, now being back here, I’m just as depressed? I was depressed and felt pulled apart/taken advantage of/nothing was enough when i was in school (from parents) after I graduated (from ex husband) and now with the new boyfriend. Do I just find it easier to only take care of others and so i gravitate to those to take full advantage of that? Or do I just make it easy for them to think it’s no big deal and so I welcome that behavior from others? There has got to be a fine line between taken advantage of / not be appreciated and just a flat out NO I won’t do it! I think everyone should be helpful and supportive – that’s friends, that’s love. But why does it seem all or nothing? What is the gray? Why do I do these things and if I even try to find a medium it pisses someone off? Does everyone really always just push for everyone to do for them and I just never knew that? When ppl describe others as being “so kind and sweet” – why aren’t I in that group? How do they do it and others appreciate it? I don’t do things and EXPECT anything back – it just seems after several weeks or even several months – you might feel some kind of good feeling of giving rather than feeling like shit because the other person is getting pissed cuz you’re not giving enough? I just really don’t understand.It’s like I need to find the manual on how to be a nice person without being a damn rug. And how dare these people get pissed at me for what I am giving not being enough – ever. I don’t want to be an all or nothing person – I like giving, I like being a good friend, I want people to know I’m here for them because I think that’s how the world gets along – I think everyone can be anyone they want to be with the support and love of their friends. But I just want to know…where’s mine?

if i listed every thing i felt in a given day…how many days would I get to use the word fulfilled….today I felt
happy
excited
free
glad
anxious
unaccomplished by 3pm
hungry
full
pretty
ambitious
lazy
creative
hopeless
disconnected
sexy
tired
disappointed
needy
ut o gottaa take the garbage out now…..............