I was listening to a program on Moody, and it was called Idol Lies. As they began to talk, I began to think about what are some idols that I have, and why should I have those? Where do they come from? I thought about someone who I really care about, that I think of often, and how I miss him, and I realized that a lot of times, maybe I think I struggle with being a woman, and that if I had a man, then I would feel like I am that woman I struggle to be.

While I still struggle with that, there are so many ways that God has made me feel like that woman I want to be. But inside, there’s a place where God has indeed told me I need healing. I can let Him inside, to do that healing.

Also, letting go of things I want. The Lord said inside, I throw a tantrum when I don’t get things I want. As a child, I was given everything. I had so many things, and having things spoils a child, it doesn’t show them love. So, growing up my Dad still continued that pattern. So that when I don’t get what I want, I throw a tantrum. That makes it a little harder, and now God is helping me to let go of the things i really cling to as goals in my entire life and that’s hard for me because I truly like having a goal, a target in front of me. I like to be able to say, ‘ok, i’m heading this way, I am going to reach that point.” Not having something in my hands, or a goal insight, disturbs me because I feel like I have no motivation, I’m not going to achieve the things that I feel are worth achieving. 5 months ago

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the future and such, and exploring career options. Truthfully, I don’t care much for the way life presents itself now. What I mean by that is, the way you have to navigate life in general, at least in America. You have to have a highschool diploma, then you have to have a degree. I really don’t feel life has to be this complicated. Yet, maybe in my case these are some of the things I have to do in order to get a career.

I don’t like this whole career business stuff.

So God has been helping me to let go and trust Him. I know He has a plan, and that plan is a place where I would fit comfortably. Why? He just made it that way. So, even though I’m here and there and exploring some options, I don’t really feel pressured to HAVE to choose something. I’ve opened up to let Him show me what way I should go- but it still takes love and time to resist the urge inside that simply says “But I want to do THIS!”.

I’ve even been getting headaches over how much I think about it each night. I should research this, or look up that, and maybe this would suite me better. But who really knows? So, I feel very excited to ask my Father “OK, which way are we going?”

If you think about it, it is much more exciting because whatever I plan is boring. Why? Because I planned it. So, I should know what to expect right? But every good adventure has turns and cranks in all the unexpected places at all the unexpected times- which makes it such a wonderful adventure. That’s how I believe God wants us to see it. I love being spontaneous. I think it’s just awesome.

So, it’s great to learn how to sit back and let God do the driving. I think some people, and guilty me, have had trouble with that because we see it as someone else controlling our entire life- and what’s wrong with that when it’s going to be spent on doing something that will last forever AND it’s the best for you? 8 months ago

Just now, I was reading this article on Yahoo about how Generation Y likes to rent thins and such rather than make commitments, and it spoke about the attitudes of that generation. I don’t know entirely why, probably not for good reasons, the article sort of upset me in various ways. That probably has a lot to do with my own spiritual and heart struggles. But it reminded me p0f what needs to be done in ME and why it is so important to put the Lord FIRST (which I am still learning to do) instead of last. Life completely because you don’t even know what’s going to happen tomorrow and sometimes even today seems SO unreal. Just two weeks ago gas prices we’re ok, and now they are too high. Who knew that was going to happen?

So, we get really frustrated thinking about the choices we want to make and do and so on and how we are going to go about purchasing or achieving those things. But, lately, I’ve been thinking too much about my future and what might be in it. And I know the Lord told me He bought me with His blood- and my future belongs to Him. And I KNOW He has a better plan than I do, even though inside I feel the push of my own will. But, it reminds me of what it means to see what He has in store, instead of trying to figure it all out.

It also reminded me to lift up my head and take a look around. I am SO blessed in SO many incredible ways, that I WANT to Praise the Lord and be sincerely thankful, instead of feeling completely entitled to it. I have a cell phone, but I don’t have to pay for it. That’s a LUXURY. I have a computer, which in some cases borders on need verses luxury, but I am blessed to have my own! I don’t have a new car yet, but the Lord has promised that somehow I will get one! He’s going to be there! I don’t have T.V. but, T.V. is pure luxury and I’m blessed that I don’t watch much of it anyways. I ALWAYS have food, and I get blessed from my church time to time where I can get some chocolates or even hot cocoa!

I remember one time when, for some time, I wanted a cheesecake so bad. Cheesecake can cost a lot, and where I work in that area, it’s like 7 yo 8 bucks a slice. I wanted it, but forget it, I wasn’t paying that sort of money.

Do you know that only a week or two later, I went into the pantry of our church and there was a WHOLE new york style cheesecake? Waiting for me? I was so blessed. Those cheesecakes are ALWAYS gone before we can get to them on Sundays. I was so blessed. Do I get cheesecake all the time? No. That makes it even more special.

So, it reminded me how God has ALL the answers for me and for you. I have no idea what’s going to happen.

Sorry, this sounded like a rant…but, makes you think…=) 9 months ago

At my job, there is a boss of mine who recently has come to work with us, and who I have come to have trouble with. To make a long story short, he belittles me quite a bit. He does this to everyone, in a sarcastic way, and more to girls than men I realized, but after really thinking of it, to me especially.

Why me? I ask. Why me?

It’s been really aggravating, and today I realized how serious it is for me to press in and deal with it because otherwise I might go to work and have a Boss-Complex. And to be totally honest, it’s been really difficult. There are times when I just want to lash back out. That’s how I sometimes feel.

The things that happen to God’s children are not just coincidence. But they are meant for us to know Him and grow because the Word says “For it must needs be that offenses come…” so we are always going to have something to contend with.

I remember one day when the Lord said right into my heart and my thinking, not with His voice, but with something deeper, “Why do his comments bother you?”

I didn’t really give the Lord an answer but the question was so deep in my heart. Why do they bother me? It was more like, “Why should they bother me?” After all, boss is only a man and nothing he says matters, and just because he says it isn’t going to change God’s love for me.

But it really has been a struggle, and I believe I haven’t sought to see it through my Father’s eyes. My Father showed me that if I were to lash out, I would be giving that boss the very ammunition, giving Satan ammunition, for being the way that he is, and the way he sees himself.

I also prayed not to be afraid of this boss. Because of his comments, I often would to work extremely apprehensive, anxious, and as a result already prepared to lash out.

I asked myself “Why ME?” But since I began typing this diary, I remember my Saviour Jesus, and how He knows what it feels like to be targeted and yet, I don’t see anywhere in scripture where He said to the Lord, “Why me?”.

I’ve found it especially hard to reach out to this boss or do good in anyway. I don’t do bad to him, God forbid, but instead of trying to really reach out, I just try to be quite and avoid him. Almost anything I say to him can simply be ignored or twisted. I used to laugh at many things he said because he really is funny, but I don’t even laugh much now.

I have to believe for victory…even though it’s not something I even want to deal with. I think this has much to do with knowing how much God loves me, and His love has nothing to do with what my boss does or says, and the whole thing is meant to build me up, not set me up (for failure).

Thank you Jesus <3 9 months ago

Quite lately, I’ve been considering some very important things going on. Things that should be taken care of right away, and important things which take time, and have to wait. My aunt and I had a conversation a few nights ago and she mentioned that she was praying for me to be more defined in what I want. I was genuinely surprised, and unknowingly pleased to hear this I think. Her words have made me think very much about what it means for me to be more defined in what I want. I read a verse last night that reads “In his heart a man devises his way, but the LORD directs his steps.” There is also a quote which reads “The only things worse than not getting your hearts desire, is getting your hearts desire.” How true! And the Father wants to lead us to exactly what He has planned.

But what is it that I really do want? What do I really want to do for a career? Or what is it that I hope to achieve in this life? What dreams do I really have? I don’t really know.

Ironically, before I came to the Lord I seemed to have all this worked out. I knew exactly what I was going to.

But then I realized God has a plan for me, too. I can’t do my plan, and do His plan. I am realizing that He has a better plan.

But even so, I don’t really know what I want. What is it that everybody wants? Everybody wants to know that they are who they are supposed to be, going where they are supposed to be going, and that they end up where they are supposed to end up. But who knows the answers to any of these questions?

God knows.

I’ve always wanted to travel. The thought of not being able to leave my own country makes me want to cry, literally. I love to explore and my own country seems to small already, let alone my bedroom. I want to make an everlasting difference in the lives of people. I want to LOVE people. I want to go on an adventure. I want do have a job or purpose that uses all the things God gave me to be good at.

For a while, I thought that I’d really like to go to Pittsburgh University because my aunts live near there and I want to be close to them. Much of my family is up there and I want to be with them. Someone I care about is up there. And the atmosphere is different.

What if the Lord wants me to go somewhere entirely different? I am beginning to yearn to know His guidance because He knows us better than anyone else ever could. I feel very comfortable letting the Lord show me where I should go, while at the same time learning to simply let go of what it is that I seem to think I really want.

But I know God has a loving plan, and an awesome purpose. Knowing this gives me great courage and love. He has all the answers; He loves me; He is in control.

Amen! 9 months ago

I’ve been thinking of someone I love and care for quite a bit too much lately. A guy. There’s no particular reason why I should think of him so much but I have been and I’ve been missing him and wondering if I’ll ever see him again. Because the truth is, inside I really want to be wish him, and the Lord knows this, but I don’t know the future. But God does. The Lord never told me I would see him again or be with him, so how can I assume that? It’s painful in a way.

The other day, I was walking in the bookstore and I happened to pick up a book and read it’s back. It read something like that ”...Kitty’s knight in shining armor…”. I continued walking and heard a song over head…”Lady…I’m your knight in shining armor.”
I knew, instantly, with a sincere and joyous smile on my face to myself, that that was the Lord. I’m looking for a man I love very much, because I think I’ll be happy with him. But the Lord knows and tells me HE is the one I want.

God has shown me how much I need to overcome these thoughts. My heart is NO secret from the Lord. So, I want to overcome this.

Lord, you know my heart. Please, hold me closer and closer. 12 months ago

I was watching a clip or two about Extreme Couponing the other night and what I saw was really…extreme. I think extreme couponing can be very fun and useful to do, but what I asked myself was “Lord, what do YOU think of extreme couponing?”. I sincerely wanted to know because it looks quite profitable and really cool, right? But I know God wants us to depend on Him…If I did extreme couponing I might become someone who didn’t care if God could or would provide because hey- I can do it all myself right? And maybe I could become really good at it.

But not at the cost of losing God, and not depending on Him.

It’s all a whole lot deeper but , that night God answered me with this Psalm:

Psalm 49:

Verse 6 and 7.

6: They that trust in their wealth and boast themselves in the multitude of their riches;
7: None of them can by any means redeem his brother, nor give to God a ransom for him.

It doesn’t matter how much they trust in their riches, they can’t save themselves or save anyone. If it’s not profitable for saving…then what is it for?

When I read that, it made sense. Don’t trust in riches to save you, or save anyone.

To be continued I am sure! 12 months ago

God has always been there for me when I needed Him. Physically as well. Lately, I’ve been really sick. I mean, it’s really been after me. Even so, I had to go to work and work because well, I can’t just not go. (Or, I’ll just not have a job!). Personally, I think when you’re sick, just stay home. No one should have to work when sick at all period, I think. But I had to go.

Now, like a lot of people I don’t have the money to go even to the Walk-In Clinic.It’s 50 or 60 dollars each time, to an upwards of 80. Steep prices. (I’ll just be honest, typing about it upsets me.)

Anyways, I had to work this day and I hadn’t slept at all the night either because my throat kept me up. I almost didn’t go to French class either. I just knew I would crash if I didn’t ask the Lord. I knew it. I prayed and I asked God to help me get through the day, doing the best I could. That’s all I wanted. And my coworkers depend on me as well.

Toward the middle of my hours, I got a little tired. Eventually I was given a break and I slept a little bit (mouth open) through it. I must have looked so silly. But right again, at the end of the day-we’re closing and I need all my strength to clean the whole dining room, and take out the trash as well, God was there. I don’t even know how, I just have the strength to finish the job. I don’t come out exhausted and feeling like I want to lay down on the walkway outside my job and just sleep.

I’m so thankful. 12 months ago

I think lately, I’ve been really negative, without meaning to or even noticing it. And I think I was listening to the enemy point all the negative things out…making me feel dissatisfied and ungrateful for what my Father has been doing for me. It makes me scared I’ve become too vulnerable. Something in my heart does NOT feel right and I need to let God deal with it and heal it.

But what no one knows is how much mercy God has already had to me…some days I feel like it’s going to run out.

Like I do now.

Lately, my hearts been facing some real challenges. We’re going through finances, relationships, things but it’s not really about any of that. It’s really about my faith, it’s really about what’s in my heart. Sometimes I feel like my heart is wrestling with God, or wrestling with itself. I hate it.

I’ve been feeling lonely too.

And I need healing.

The seriousness of it has really arrived at my door. How much I really need the Lord to heal me.

I feel like the whole world is just gone…my friends, my family, my coworkers…the people around me…even people at church. It’s like no one is there. At all. It’s also like everything has slowed to an almost impermeable halt.

I need to seek the Lord.

Lately things have still been pretty crazy. I’m waiting for a few things to end lately like school, some other events, and so on. So much has been happening. Aiyaiyai.

But the Lord has really been doing so much in my life lately. Sooo much. For example, my car.

Yes.

The car.

What can I say about the car?

My car is a running junkyard, basically.
Even so, it’s pretty nice to have a car! And the Lord knows I need a car and He’s constantly taking care of me in my car. You have no idea!

The other day, a group of classmates and I got together to study a French play script we had to come up with. After we we’re done, one of them walked me out and as it turned out, he was parked 2 spots away from me. Right before I took off, he called out to me, “Provi, pop you hood for a second. I want to show you something.” He pointed out my belt, which has been making a weird sound as of recent. He explained that it was the belt, what the tensioner was and what to do if I heard a snap, because the belt had gone, pull over because the power steering would go out immediately. Sometimes I’m distrustful of anyone and everyone who gives big advice about big things because you never know who knows what. But I listened very intently to what he said, and I trusted him. I considered what he said and thought to myself “Well, I hope we can take care of that sooner than that!”

That was Friday. Come Sunday, and in the morning I rise up and go to church. After the message is broughT forth I go up for prayer, and I received prayer for all of the things we are going through because it’s been pretty hard, and I gave my cares to the Lord and left for home. Only a few blocks away, as I turned onto one of the main roads, I heard an odd sound. I knew instantly was it was. So, I said to myself “I better pull over into this lot.” I did so, and when I popped the hood, the belt had snapped and been shredded as well. (Right before my power steering went out of course.)

You’re kidding, right?

I just started laughing because you know that was the Lord guiding me! I prayed before I called Dad and he took it surprisingly calm. Eventually, we left it there and got a mechanic to fix it later the next day.

God is so good.

Wait, it gets better.

(No, it really does.)

The same day my car breaks down, I’m scheduled for work. I definitly can’t make it because BOTH our vehicles are out. Yikes and I’m ….just….so….sad…that….I don’t…have to work…
I call my boss and let him know but then he says “I’ll pay for your taxi.”

The fare was 30 dollars!

Well, while were at work. he says to me “Oh, I got a little something for you.” Is it money? I jokingly say inside myself. I figure it’s prolly actually a new hat for work, because I’ve lost mine for a few days now.

Later, while were cleaning, he taps me on the shoulder and shows me a Macy’s gift card.

For 50$.

I gave him two really huge hugs.

He said it was for some new pants for work. I told him I already got some new pants. So he said use it for something else you need.

I knew that was the Lord. I couldn’t believe it.

I’ve since prayed over the card that I would use it wisely.

I still can’t believe it!

God is so good and I want him to bless Dane so much. I’m still amazed.

He is so good…it’s been so hard lately. But He’s been right beside me and us to make sure we have everything…

...and even a little more.

Thank you Lord. ;) 12 months ago

I wanted to give the Lord the glory for a situation that has been mended for a while now…which is my boss.

At my job, there is a certain boss and this boss has a perverse spirit. I didn’t realize this immediatley but like all things the Lord taught me. Where should I start? This boss literally cannot say one good thing. Even the very words that come out of their mouth are just evil and hurtful and they try to rip you inside and they cling to you. Nothing good comes out, even if the person wanted to. It’s horrible.

I didn’t realize how bad this spirit was until there was a period of three nights. The first night, I closed with one boss. The second night (middle night( I closed with THIS boss) and they third night I closed with another different boss. There was a MARKED difference working with my perverse boss- I went home completely drained, tired, no, EXHAUSTED, and heavy. It literally felt as though someone had taken a thick heavy velvet mentel and thrown it over my head, back and shoulders making it impossible for me to even lift my head. My Dad picked me up from work and we stopped at Walmart and as we were going around Walmart, I realized it felt like I couldn’t even lift my head! It was terrible. And so, the Lord showed me just what that spirit can do to you. It’s also sent me home crying and screaming because of the things that come out it’s mouth.

It’s really important to distinguish that it’s the spirit the battle is against, not my boss. And the Lord had to help me understand this, even though sometimes I do struggle with it. Because it says in the Word “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities,against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” And so, I had to remember that it’s a spirit inside my boss, not my boss. This is good to know because otherwise, I would have lashed out at my boss, which wouldn’t have done any good.

A perverse spirit is also crafty. Very crafty. It knows when to pounce and exactly how to to cause you to be stirred up and angry. I learned this.

After showing me all these things, the Lord began to teach me how to fight against this. (Praise Jesus, it’s gotten so much better!). Before I got to work, I bind that spirit and I plead the blood of Jesus over me. The blood of Jesus is powerful and it’s a shield from the words that spirit says and when His blood covers me, I don’t become drained or exhausted at what’s said. And when I bind that spirit, the less it says and the less it attacks me.

The whole situation is turned around. I’ve become a conqueror and able to stand up when that spirit is around because of the Lord! He even used to take our change from our tips from us, and because of the Lord’s favor, this is also turned around for me. This isn’t to boast, but to show what God can do! But it took learning.

I still do love my boss (not the spirit) and we have good funny moments and good laughs and I’m able to love him and even hug him, because God has showed me how to deal with that.

If you have a boss like that, or anyone in your life like that, ask God to help you and teach you! How to fight spiritually is one of the first promises God have me. He told me personally that He was going to do it and He has and still is. He wants you to know how to overcome those spirits and also to love the people in spite of them. Just ask Him to teach you! 13 months ago

In the midst of my friend living here, it’s thrown everything out of whack. I mean, EVERYTHING. All the projects I was constantly trying to accomplish and get done, totally got thrown out and under the table entirely.

I think the Lord wants me to focus on Him during this time. And to truly focus on HIM. Not on all my projects or my friend, just on Him.

I really need to thank Him :)

Thank you God for loving me :) 15 months ago

Tonight, I was thinking about my nephews and thinking how my nephew Zachary’s birthday had just passed and I remember I had been looking for a card that would let him know he is so special, and a wonderful child and that he is SMART. And something that would make him laugh. I got him a music card, one of those singing ones, and I remember the song in it had that chorus that goes “That’s what I like about you! Dun dun dun dundun that’s what I like about you!”. Seeing his face light up, made me feel so wonderful. I praise God so much that I was so blessed to see his face light up. I’m only 24 but the Lord showed me that we need to shower kids with love…true love. Teach them and let them know how special they really are. Suddenly, I want to be a bigger part of their lives and to love them…while their young. Not when they barely know who I am. “Who’s Aunt Provi?”

I praise God so much that I’m young enough and old enough to understand this.

Jesus, thank you so much! 16 months ago

Tonight, I got counsel from S.M. and B.G. about what to do with my boss and also prayer for fighting discouragement. The devil is always there in some way to fight us. Always. But, deep inside I have to heal from what happened; I want to let God heal that part of me. Because it really really really hurts. It hurts knowing the other person doesn’t even care either. So, I’m going to listen to their counsel and go to that person and talk to them. I need to pray before I do because I think it won’t be easy to go to that person and ask forgiveness when you feel you haven’t done something wrong, at least not intentionally. I think my body still aches, lol, from all the crying I’ve done (plus the cold cold weather).

I don’t really want to do this-because I’m scared about what the person will say. Sometimes that’s discouraging because you wonder if it will even affect them…...Just like Peter said when he first saw Jesus. “Master, we’ve toiled all night but because you say so, I will let down the net.” 16 months ago

Tonight, I feel the Lord is helping me to overcome the thorns that have tried to choke His Love and the Word out of my life. I’m always trying to organize things….constantly. Get things in PERFECT order. But the Lord is helping me to see that it’s futile, and my focus on heart needs to be on Him. I’ve totally struggled and God wants more for me, He wants to talk with me. He doesn’t want me in bondage to a PC or anything. He wants my heart on Him. So, I feel in my heart it’s ok to do things a little at a time now. I need to put Him first. 16 months ago

God has been doing a lot of things in me that no one can see or know. It’s just not obvious to them. I guess right now this is the only place I can share them openly for now.

School has started and there is a lot going on, even with one class. Chemistry for health. But God is teaching me something that I failed before: Put Him first, and He will take care of me in Chemistry health. My Aunt even challenged me to ask the Lord for an A, and trust Him for it.

I have actually been ahead in my class since I put Him first. The urge to do homework can be so hard, and I know if I did do it first, I would fall behind with the Lord. I would fail. It’s been truly heart opening and mind opening as well. He’s showing me just put Him first and He will make sure the rest is ok. Chemistry is not a forte for me at all. It’s hard, like algebra.

I want to trust Him. I must have the right attitude as well. I pray to trust Him and get an A in a class where a C would be the best. I remember last time in my Accounting class, which I think was definitely as hard as this one- I asked for a C and I got a C. Guess I should have been more specific and ambitious!

“Seek ye the Lord first, and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.” 20 months ago

Now that school has started, I have had to truly know that I have GOT to put the Lord first. It’s wonderful though. If I do my classwork before I read and pray with my Heavenly Father, then I’ll be WAY too tired to do anything else. I literally just fall asleep. When I put Him first, he makes sure that I have what I need- could be energy, or anything. I want Him to be first. It’s soooo tempting to do the opposite-I’ve gotta get THIS done first Lord, or hey! I’ll fall behind. God’s Word says “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness and all these things shall be added to you.” So, this time around, He’s showing me how much I need this. I won’t stop. Uh-ugh. We’re gonna do it! 20 months ago

School (college) has started for me again. And I want to make sure I put the Lord first in my heart. With school, it’s so easy to just forget about the MOST important people and things in your life because your struggling to make ends meet. I actually only took 2 courses a term for this reason. Other may take more, but I won’t really learn anything if I take more; and I won’t have any time for God or for family and friends. Also, Chemistry is really hard. I can tell it’s going to be hard, even moreso because it’s SO boring to me. So, I am trusting the Lord to help me get the best grade possible. I’m actually aiming for an A. This is a good opportunity to let God do something inside me, with school and more. But He needs to be first. The other day I had a chance to read with Him, or study first. Just in case, I read with Him, so I could seize the moment.

Thank you Jesus. 21 months ago

The other night I had this dream where, my friend A and I were in some world. To make a long story short, since we were prisoners, no matter where we went, she decided to live in another world as prisoner, believing that world was still infinitely better than the world where we were already living. But the world she chose was a real-life online game I used to play. I tried to reach out to her and stop, but she was gone into it before I could stop her at all; in fact she was just already there before I could do anything.

Something in that dream triggered something inside me, where I don’t want to ever go back to that life because it would mean death and suffocation and separation from God. It’s all about my new life in HIM, not that world, which would be games, and anime and manga, and those three are ALWAYS tied together. It’s an intricately spun web, subtle and fantastical. After that dream something inside me surely just didn’t want any more of this to be in my life because I know what it means to have or to keep it. I am tired of it, even though part of me still likes it. So, my heart just went BANG! I have to get rid of all this. ALL of it.

So, tonight I have finally got a WHOLE bunch, nearly ALL of it in a giant grey trash bag to throw out forever. And I always throw it in the dumpster because then I won’t be tempted to get in and get it. With such things in my life, I can never grasp God with both hands. So, I’m throwing it all away.

It’s a huge step in a marvelous relationship with Jesus. I know that I shall not miss these things, and I know that with every piece I throw away, I gain a whole mile towards the Lord. It’s just amazing.

Thank you Jesus; nothing is impossible for you. 21 months ago

Last night I had a dream where a friend of mine…she and I were prisoners in some place, and no matter what we could do, we’d just be prisoners in this weird place. And, so, my friend decided to go and live inside this non-existent place. It was an online game I used to play. She decided that since we would be prisoners either way, she’d take herself and live in that alternate reality since it was an option. But even in my dream I knew that place wasn’t real, and I knew somehow I would never see her again and so I was horrified, and I literally reached out to her and said “No!”. But she was gone in there already before I could stop her.

That dream definitely did something inside of me and tonight I finished whatever work the Lord wanted from that. I was listening to some music cleaning out my computer since my new life. I ran into some old anime music and it just brought that back to me…all of it. I knew in my heart I didn’t want to ever go back to that sort of life. It’s full of fake dreams, nothingness, and wasted time and love. No love, rather. So, tonight I gathered all my movies, save one, (which is special, and requires prayer) and my CD’s, and threw them away. I took them, and asked the Lord to walk with me, and we threw them right there in the dumpster. (Always throw it in the dumpster, always.) I feel in my spirit lighter, more joyful, and I know in my heart I have pleased the Lord by doing this.

I said inside myself, I don’t want this in my life anymore, and I don’t want to be part of this. I can’t. I feel GOOD inside. Purely GOOD. In Jesus, I have overcome. I will push away every hindrance, and I will not be moved.

I thank God and I praise God, and I give God all the glory for helping me to do this. Even as I look at my self, it looks a little empty, but my heart is full.

I HATE my old life. I HATE my life that way. I don’t want to ever go back to that. Jesus, please don’t let me go back to that. Not once. I have to stay away from it.

Good things happen when you think upon how much the Lord loves you. 21 months ago

The closer I get the harder I seem to have to fight. 23 months ago

I have school coming up again it seems and I know that I need to put the Lord first. I need to let Him be first.

I’ve always LOVED learning and that’s why I have so many books and such, but school is one of those life aspects He needs to be above, and part of.

So, as I grow in love, and learn to give Him all myself, school is part of that too. I’m not going to school because I want to be some brainiac or have a better GPA than anyone, and I always did wish I had done better in highschool. Had I known, I would have. But now I’m going to college and I really have someone who actually cares. And the coolest part is, I don’t have to be the best! The last time, I just asked the Lord to let me get a C in Accounting when I realized that I DEFINITELY was NOT gonna do good in that class. (Everything, from the schedule to the material was against me.) And He made sure I got a C. I didn’t ask for an A, I just wanted a C to make sure my grades were decent. I am so thankful to say He made sure I got a C. (It’s a wonderful thing to ask for something humbly, I’m not seeing that.)

Sometimes, also, I want to do everything myself. I do like the challenge (can I pull it off?) but God wants to love us and be there for us too, like a Dad that helps ya do your homework. When I was doing my two major projects for Accounting, I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what I was even doing. I was like, “Lord, yeah, I’m gonna need your help…”. Don’t ya know that somehow I got EVERYTHING right on those projects and it was so smoothly too, it’s like it all just flowed together. Praise Jesus, that’s why I got a C.

So, school is really awesome, and I love learning but I’m making sure this calendar and schedule has plenty of time for friends and family, and you know who. 23 months ago

Over the internet. 2 years ago