look for the magic that lies beneath the surface of everyday life

Or, as that translates inside my head ‘It’s complicated being a Wizard’....thank you Portugal the Man.
So, I’m going to be suspending my MA studies for a year which both sucks and blows simulatiously. It is for the best though, even if the greater good means that I have to put a deeply fulfilling occupation to one side. A year ago I was full of doubt about whether I was clever enough to do an MA now I worry that I might not get a distinction and that I might not get to do a PhD afterward.
Is this magic? Well, I never thought that I would have to make these kinds of choices ever. I’ve been offered a job, a good job researching a subject I’m very interested in and passionate about and this just so happens to coincide with my near financial ruin and someone in my family being pretty unwell and me needing to spend more time with them. I’m excited about the job and quite frankly just amazed that I actually managed to get a job in the current economic climate. However I am completely bummed out to be putting uni on hold. Sometimes when I visualise my MA graduation ceremony I get tearful because it will mark the end of an extrodinary amount of effort, nerve and personal (and financial) sacrfice on my part to bring me to that moment. The fact that I’m defering seems even more sad by the fact that my lovely tutor emailed me today to tell me that I was an “excellent student” and that it was very important that I returned to complete my studies. I do intend to return, my heart is set on it. It’s just sad that I have to leave for a year. I suppose the magic is the fact that losing something makes you realise just how much you loved it. It feels like the time I lost my guitar except this time I’m not going to get my course back for a whole year….

Ah, there’s nothing quite like a fancy dress party and there’s nothing quite like being chatted up by a 15 year old boy when you’re dressed as Paula Yates and he doesn’t know who that is. Outside a Takeaway at 1.00am on Sunday I happened upon a rabble of youngsters out for a midnight snack. After establishing with one young man that I was almost twice his age I then had to embark upon a long explanation as to who Paula Yates is (was).
“You know, she was married to Bob Geldof… she was on The Big Breakfast… she was in a relationship with Micheal Hutchence…. He was in a band called INXS…. he went out with Kyle… but we’re getting off topic here….”
Then one of his friends said kindly,
“Oh, are you Peaches mum?”
Yes, I was dressed as Peaches Geldof’s mum and I felt a tender affection for those youngsters because I realised that they belonged to a different generation – a generation born in 1994.

I am ‘with clarinet’ again and I feel like I’ve got back a missing part of me. I went to visit some relatives a few weeks ago and mentioned that I was looking into renting a clarinet for a research project I’m going to undertake. It turns out my cousin briefly took up the clarinet when she was a youngster and didn’t get on with it. So I was asked if I wanted to have her old clarinet. It’s a student clarinet so not really good enough to use for performances (although I might be able to improve the sound by getting some better reeds for it). But still, Yay! It’s brilliant to be playing the clarinet again although a little flustrating that I’m no longer at the grade 7/8 standard that I was when I packed it in 11 years ago.

Sometimes I think that we want things so much and we get so consumed with trying to work out complicated ways of getting what we want that sometimes we forget to simply ask for what we want.
Asking for help, asking for patience, asking for things to be fixed, asking for answers.

I went to Byker Job Centre today to discuss running my Masters research project there will the New Deal for Musician’s team. I did’t get to find out any of the information I needed about how they structure their informal learning processes but I did get to learn all about Zimbabwe/Rhodesia.
I asked the man I was chatting to if he was from South Africa and he said “No, I’m from Rhodesia” and I said “Oh, do you mean Zimbabwe?” and he said “No. I was born in Rhodesia and I was given 72 hours to leave Rhodesia by Mugabe’s goverment.” and so I spent this morning learning all about afican politics, the state of Zimbabwe and the biased western media coverage that there is about Africa in general. It was very interesting and thought provoking indeed. He was an absolutely facinating man with an amazing accent, a compelling life story and a lovely manner. I’m glad I met him and I’m sad that he’s not allowed to live in a country he obviously loves very much.

I use my MP3 player as an aide to playing out my fantasy that I’m not just living a life but starring in an epic movie. The super star of this movie is called Lucy and it’s a tale of a beautiful, talented musician and her struggles and adventures in fulfilling her destiny. My MP3 player handily provides a rich and motivating soundtrack to this struggle.
Sometimes though, the music fits the situation so well it seems more like the music is informing the content of the film and not the other way around. One of the reasons for me studying for my Masters is that one morning, when I went to work I was stood at reception waiting for the lift with my MP3 player on shuffle and a song began and I knew it was really familiar but I couldn’t work out what the song was. Then, just as the lift doors opened I heard in my ears,
“Welcome my son…. welcome to the machine”
And that was how I knew that it was time to leave my job.
Today I was moved to tears in John Lewis by the amazing combination of sniffing a scented candle called “Wild Heather Mystery” or something whilst listening to Kate Bush sing Wuthering Heights.
Music is a magical experience most of the time but sometimes it’s so profound that it overhwhelms me.

The last seven days have rocked my little world. I have had my mind “blown” thrice! I’ve done two triumphant gigs! I’ve been cooked three delicious meals, I’m slightly smitten, my skin is improving slightly and I’ve just had an amazingly mint time!
I take away from this week that I need to apply myself more to my studies because my mind has been seriously blown by the possibilties of my studies and research, in fact I’m now investigating whether it might be possible to do a PhD after the MA, my brain might explode but it’s so freakin’ exciting it might be a worthwhile way to go.
Mind blowing moment 1.) The national curriculum for music is a bourgeois, conservative construct designed to perpetuate a system where western classical music is central. It is elitist to those children who do not possess the cultural capital to access it fully and also encourages Paulo Frerie’s notion of the pedagogy of the oppressed. Mind blowing moment 2.) All my creative practice and development has taken place outside the classroom which is probably why I have such a strong sense of ownership over my music. Mind blow 3)This guy and his Research Forum on Wednesday – http://www.ncl.ac.uk/culturelab/people/profile/atau.tanaka Oh my god, the endless possibilties of musical experimentation! My mind! It’s melting!! Seriously, I want to do what he does (but with a stronger emphasis on the notion of community and music).
I did a brilliant gig on Friday night, I thought it would be a disaster but it turned out to be brilliant, it made me fall back in love with the audience again. I fell even deeper in love with my music. I did another gig on Sunday with my amazingly lovely new band and loads of friends showed up which was brilliant and I just had so much fun singing the songs we’ve written together. My other band has had some seriously nice feedback too lately (a lot of it in French).
I’m stressing about money at the moment but I’m happier than I’ve been in a very long time.

Tonight! It will be the first outing of one of my new bands. For the first time in ages I feel nervous about performing. I’m a bit jitttery. I’m scared we’re going to sound bad, I feel under rehearsed, I’m not sure if we’re going to go down all that well. It might be a disaster, seriously, it’s not sounded perfect in any of our practices. However, on top of all those feelings I feel happy and alive. It’s always more fun to do something that partially scares the shit out of you. What ever occurs it will push me further in one direction or another. I can believe how lucky I am in that I got to be a musician.

I must first of all thank my new flatmate for the amazing pun.
Today I went to the cemetery to say hi to my Gran and leave her some daffodils. I miss my Gran a lot she died about ten years ago however I haven’t been to visit her grave in about four years. I stood and had a little chat with her and generally pondered life with her for a bit. It was such a mild sunny day today it felt lovely to be there. Then out of the blue my Aunty (who lives in Central America) emailed me on facebook attaching a picture of me, my brother and my Gran that I had uploaded about two or three months ago. My Aunty drew my attention to the fact that a white mark had appeared above my gran’s head in the photo on the internet. I mark that was not there before. There was no way that my Aunty could have known I’d gone to visit my gran at the cemetery. Is it possible I wonder that Gran has sent me a little hello back through the internet? If she has then it’s true, Facebook really does bring people together, even people in the afterlife.

I got a very thought provoking email a few days ago. It was a group email from the Star and Shadow cinema. I’m subscribed to their monthly news letter and to be honest I usually just give it a quick glance. This month it’s Werners Herzog season and the email included a little quote of advice from Werners;

“Maybe the most important piece of advice I can give to those of you heading into the world of film is that as long as you are able-bodied, as long as you can make money yourself, don’t go out looking for office jobs just to pay the rent. I would also be very wary of bottom-rung jobs in film production companies.

Go out to where the real world is, go work as a bouncer in a night-club, a warden in a lunatic asylum or in a slaughterhouse. Real life, this is what’s vital. Work on your feet, learn languages, learn a craft or trade that has nothing to do with cinema.”

So, although I haven’t any interest in working in the film industry I do think that this advice is transferable to other situations. I won’t ever be inspired to do anything of musical worth whilst working in a dull environment so perhaps whilst looking for part time work to pay the rent I need to rethink the “admin plan”.
Also, as the photo illustrates I’ve gone and done something quite dramatic to my hair! I love it, it’s brilliant, although it’s attracting quite a bit more attention than I’d expected. It didn’t really occur to me at the time that this might affect my employment prospects, it wasn’t until Paperfaerie said “Ha! Good luck finding a job” upon seeing my barnet that I realised it could be an issue. I think it will grow out quickly but I also think that I’d just rather not work anywhere that would judge me negatively for looking the way I do. It’s all real life after all.