fall in love again, and, for a change, actually be loved back, while I'm at that

i think sometimes people just love the same person forever no matter if they are together or not rather they talk or not rather they see each other or not they just have that candle that burns in thier heart for that person and i think that’s the cards i got delt.

I was talking to a friend of mine today that went through this same situation and they were talking to my ex today and decided to tell me what they were talking about, about past relationships and how my ex feels they were not in love until just recently, I guess including me, why this bothers me I have no idea, I guess it makes what I thought was real even if only brief is somehow now tarnished. I guess I just wanted to matter and be important and looks as if I never really truly was. That’s fine I’ve sorta knew all this for a while. I was talking to my friend tho and they said I just need to let it all go and clean my soul and mediated. Well praise be if that’s all it takes I’d of done it years ago. I think my problem is one of a few things other than the ex emailing me every few months or so.

First being I made this promise to myself and my ex that no matter what I would always love them, I think in some strange voodoo way I’m bounded to that promise or something. Or two, God is punishing me which I’ve many times thought to be the case, tho I’ve talked to him about this many times and even asked for forgiveness for being in the relationship in the first place I think I’m still being punished because of it.

Eh it’s annoying and frustrating to no end, I wish there was an end, I wish I didn’t care that the ex never was IN love with me or that I mattered less than some other people I wish I didn’t care. Maybe I’ll take my friends advise and try meditation.

Sometimes, most times I think I’m just going to be alone for the rest of my life, and I’m fine with that, I’m used to it really. But I think I know what the problem is I realize an ex of mine seems to be like a drug that I’m addicted to. And the sad thing about this is, this person and I have been broken up for 3 years. We live over 500 miles apart but they seem to have this hold over me. The relationship was so intense and I was madly head over hills in love and did pretty much everything for this person including moving across 2 states to be with them… In the end things got really messy and confusing, I was cheated on and then strung around. Before the relationship even occurred we were really good friends really close we had this bond that neither of us could explain and even tho there are two sides to the story if you were to ask my ex, they would say they were the one in the wrong and caused the relationship to end. Anyway through the years we’ve talked here and there and I don’t think I ever got all the way over my ex. I’ve had some relationships since this person that never worked out and one even gave me my son but I still always thought about this ex and wished sometimes things were different. Then months and months went by without talking and then I started to finally think about them less and less to not at all then when that happens it’s like this person has a beeper that say oh look she’s not thinking about me and finally letting go and I get a email and then I have all these feelings again and like last night I had such a vivid dream about this person it woke me up from a dead sleep and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I just don’t seem to know how to quit this person. And I think that’s a huge part of why I’ve never been able to really fall in love again since them. I have struggles in some parts of my life, but who doesn’t but I have a good family I have the best friends a girl could ask for I have a wonderful son and yea my love life is non existent but it’s okay I just wish this person would never talk to me ever again at times then others I like to know they are okay. My ex is engaged now and has the life that we pretty much always talked about having ourselves and I’m honestly happy for them I just guess I don’t know how to let it go all the way and move on and not let a random email get to me so much. I know this sounds all pretty crazy it sure does typing it but I just had to get it out.

I was talking to someone a few days ago from my church about different things going on in my life and she told me I will find love again, I will meet someone, and tho she doesn’t know yet every detail of my past she knows a great deal, I’m glad she has the faith because I really dont. I would love to have someone to love and to love me, I think i’m good in a relationship I just sometimes think I missed my chances and picked some people that were really not who I thought they were. One sticks out more than others and I think in a lot of ways that relationship messed me up and messed up my thinking on relationships and love in general. Maybe one day but I’ve gotten pretty good at being alone.

So I put myself out there yesterday, told someone how I was feeling and bascially got rejected. Was told were just better off being the best of friends possible. But at least I know I guess instead of always wondering what if. I honestly don’t think it will happen for me again, or if it does it’s going to be a long long time. It’s okay tho, life still goes on.

I’ve had my heart broken a few times, been cheated on by everyone that I was ever with, never done that myself I don’t see how people that say they love you can do that. Anyway I’m pretty good now at being alone I’m used to it but sometimes I think it would be nice to fall in love again but at the same time I’m way too scared to open up totally to someone. Maybe one day, but for now i’m fine living my life the way I want.

I seriously doubt whether I will ever fall in love again. Yes, I know that this is a cliche, but my heart is decimated. Enough said.

Yes.

I thought I was really close to meeting this one.

But I was wrong, obviously.

But it’ll happen one of these days. That I am certain.

I don’t mean to sound like a snob but…it is hard for me to come to grips with someone who has had a, what shall I say, less than stellar past. While it is in the past, and he must be congratulated for being honest and admitting his addictions and brush with the law to me, it is still hard to comprehend because I came from such a sheltered upbringing. I have to ask myself if I should even bother pursuing this relationship even further.