Let go of the past

I guess I’ll find out when I get there:)

It seems I am cursed with an excellent memory for past injustices and embellish good memories with a glowing light that was not, in fact, ever there when the events actually occurred. Either way, these trips down memory lane do not contribute to my happiness and well-being—either I’m reopening old wounds or painting the past in an artificial light that makes the present seem dimmer by comparison. I am working on focusing on the present, noticing what it is I have right now to be grateful for (and there really is a lot), and trying to revisit the past only in the service of forgiving or making amends.

I think I had a lot of resentment in the past, for my parents, my extended family, my friends and maybe even myself. I no longer feel resentment.

My parents did the best that they could in difficult situations. My extended family were insensitive but they just were being themselves and they didn’t realise I was sensitive. My friends were just caught up in their own lives and I shouldn’t have been demanding towards them, I had to learn how to rely on myself.

In hindsight, I had low self-esteem and I was seeking approval from all these people in my life and then I got upset when I was not getting it. Even if they had given me approval and praise, it would not have been enough – because you need to accept yourself first and foremost. I have accepted myself to a large extent now and am working to improve those areas that I don’t like.

I feel like I don’t have a problem with the past anymore – it has made me who I am and I’m okay with who I am, so I’m okay with the past and there you have it folks, I think I am done here.

week. I keep seeing how emotionally tied I am to people and situations from my past….

This one is gonna take a while!

I always say the past is the past, leave it alone and live for today. Yet, I must be a hypocrite because I still let the past bother me at times and I dwell on certain issues with it. Like I was cleaning out all my documents and pictures from my pc today and I find pictures of me and my exbf and old friends and it just got to me. I got angry cause of the one old friend who stabbed me in the back and of how the exbf’s treated me. Its the past for a reason… let it go. ugh. I’m working on that. As for those pictures – GONE! They were deleted.

im really expecting that the day will come that i will truly let go of my painful memories of the past. im trying though its hard.many things had changed, many time, sacrifices, love, expectations had been wasted. ... yesterday i saw my ex on the net,suddenly i felt this pain on my heart again.then i said to myself that its time to let go totaly. i wanted this to happen several times,& thought i did. maybe the key is to re-focus myself to let go of him & hold on to the blessings that will come on my life.to expect that new and greater things will flow upon me.im tired of this pain, bitterness, & sadness inside of me. may peace, true love, joy, healing & freedom be upon me.

Not letting go of the past has affected my present and i know it. I must let go to secure and protect my future

again, by decluttering and getting rid of some items that my family gave to me after a loved one died. they thought I would like the items, and I did keep them for the past 5 years, for sentimental reasons. Today I realized they were just sitting in storage, with no love and nowhere to go, because they are not the kinds of things I would decorate with. I just kept them to hold on, after the loved one died.

I decided to gift them to Goodwill, because I know/hope someone will want and appreciate them and display them with love. I feel this is more honorable to do, in memory of said loved one.

In a physical way: I let go of more items that are linked to memories for me, but that I did not use. they literally did nothing but clutter my spare room/office. I almost took a few things back a few times, but I didn’t, in the end.

So, I’ve been burned a lot of times in the past when it comes to friendship. People I’ve gotten close to have always walked out on me…

well, maybe “walked out” isn’t the right term, but it’s not like they “ditched me”, since I wasn’t anyone’s girlfriend. Hm, could I use that term, though? Never mind. Let’s just say, I have had a lot of people claim to be my best friend, say they care and then just turn mean and not want anything to do with me anymore.

It hurt – you start to think that it’ll all your fault and wondering if you’re just that unloveable. I don’t mean to sound like a sad case, but it is that way, it just is. But I’m the fool, really. Most people would close themselves down when facing the same issue over and over again – wouldn’t they? – but not me! No, I just kept on putting myself out there, getting hurt time and time again.

It seems like everybody always leaves me, and it’s either out of their own volition…or they pass away.

Anyway. What I’m here to do is to STOP being this neurotic (“when will they leave? have I already done something to mess this up? IS being this neurotic the REASON why I mess up?”) and just enjoy my friends. And to STOP thinking ”...while it lasts”.

You’re probably not going to believe this, but at the moment I just stumbled upon a song (seriously, had never heard it before, I just saw that the Weepies had been touring with Indigo Girls and thought it might be worth checking that band out, too) called “the power of two”. It says exactly what I want someone to say to me.

Now the parking lot is empty
Everyone’s gone someplace
I pick you up and in the trunk Ive packed
A cooler and a 2-day suitcase
Cause there’s a place we like to drive
Way out in the country
Five miles out of the city limit we’re singing
And your hand’s upon my knee

So we’re okay
We’re fine
Baby I’m here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I’m stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
Well look at them together then well take them apart
Adding up the total of a love thats true
Multiply life by the power of two

You know the things that I am afraid of
I’m not afraid to tell
And if we ever leave a legacy
Its that we loved each other well
Cause I’ve seen the shadows of so many people
Trying on the treasures of youth
But a road that fancy and fast
Ends in a fatal crash
And I’m glad we got off
To tell you the truth

‘Cause we’re okay
We’re fine
Baby I’m here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I’m stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
Well look at them together then well take them apart
Adding up the total of a love thats true
Multiply life by the power of two

All the shiny little trinkets of temptation
(make new friends)
Something new instead of something old
(but keep the old)
All you gotta do is scratch beneath the surface
(but remember what is gold)
And its fools gold
(what is gold)
Fools gold
(what is gold)
Fools gold

Now were talking about a difficult thing
And your eyes are getting wet
I took us for better and I took us for worse
Don’t you ever forget it
Now the steel bars between me and a promise
Suddenly bend with ease
The closer I’m bound in love to you
The closer I am to free

So we’re okay
We’re fine
Baby I’m here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
Im stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
Well look at them together then well take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that’s true
Multiply life by the power of two

- Indigo Girls

Love,
X