Be less of a perfectionist

It was just realizing that I was losing more than I gained from it. It was always the expense of something else, sometimes it was worth the sacrifice it but usually not.

Details should only be so important if you have time.

Creating the painted rocks as gifts has been such a beautiful process. It’s felt so natural and good to be creating again, and using my creativity to bring joy and colour to the world.

The perfectionist part of me has learnt a lot. When you’re writing and painting on rocks, it’s impossible to be ‘perfect’ – there’s lumps and bumps and curves to negotiate. Some are messier than others. Sometimes what you want to write doesn’t quite fit. But it’s all okay and part of the journey. If I just stay open I realise that it’s like everything in life – sometimes things will look shiny and ‘perfect’, and other times you just have to smile and know you’ve done your best and love yourself regardless.

I need to let things go and not try to do everything.

I’ve been pushing myself waaaayyy too hard lately about my assignments. I’ve been having a bit of a tough couple of months with anxiety, which has been making my brain feel all mushy and isn’t great for assignment writing! To compensate I’ve been putting a lot of hours into it and not making much progress. It’s pretty frustrating and just makes me even more stressed out.

I had a bit of a meltdown today and haven’t done any studying. Instead I’ve done some journalling and talked to Damian and am feeling better. I need a day away from it all. I think if I can clear my mind and have a decent sleep tonight a fresh outlook may just do wonders.

I did so well last semester and I’ve put too much pressure on myself to do as well this semester. And it’s making me unwell. It’s also really unrealistic. This perfectionism thing is just really hard to shake.

In the last couple of days I’ve had a very astute spiritual teacher and a therapist completely expose just how debilitating some of my ways of thinking are. I am an utter perfectionist and it’s exhausting. Uni has really highlighted how out of control it’s getting. I get worried about starting assignments in case they’re not perfect and gasp heaven forbid I get anything less than a high distinction. I just can’t think like this anymore. It’s not working. I have to find a gentler way of doing things.

I keep wondering why I do great for so long and then fall into a heap. Maybe if I didn’t continually push myself to my limits it wouldn’t happen. It’s certainly worth a try.

Of course, I have my moments, but I’m definitely much better than I was.

My job as an editor depends on my perfectionism. And if it isn’t so great for my productivity as a writer, well, that just means I’ll have to channel my perfectionist tendencies in other directions and try to ignore them when I’m holding a pen. Being a perfectionist is a gift, and like all such gifts, it has its dark side. But that doesn’t make it any the less rare or valuable.

I don’t think I’ll ever get over this. I know I can never be perfect, but I feel as if I can always try to get there. Maybe it’s because my brother tells me that I’m a failure or if it’s because I’m trying to impress my parents.. but I think I’ll never be satisfied and always be a perfectionist.
I’ll need a lot of help to get over this. Hopefully, I’ll get over it eventually.

..Just now, I had to edit this at least twice. D:

Actually it became a defect for me. Recently i took the decision to postpone my thesis because i wasn’t satisfied about the project… Perhaps i have to be less exacting?!