identify as a happy and healthy person

It is hard not to think in terms of all or nothing, and let one small slip turn into a cycle downward. Lately, I have not been getting enough sleep, I have been full of headaches, I’ve overeaten, and I’ve had nagging shin pain that makes it tough to run. The temperature right now is -2°F. It is the darkest day of the year.

It is so easy to think that at those moments when I want to crawl into bed and read a book or sleep instead of cooking healthy foods or going to the gym or calling up friends to socialize with over non-alcoholic, sugar-free beverages that the real me has reemerged.

It is tempting to think that the time I spent focusing my thoughts, calming and quieting my mind, and engaging in positive thinking was just filler, just a distraction from true the reality of depression and anxiety.

It is easy to think that the person who packs up colorful, healthy salads and stir-fries for lunch, and the person who goes to the gym on days when she doesn’t feel like it, and the person who gets excited to go to the gym on other days and feels euphoric once she’s there—that these people are phonies and impostors.

But I realize that the happy and healthy me isn’t any less real than the depressed, unhealthy me. And at times when I feel sluggish and lazy, the times when I eat and drink too much, and exercise too little, it isn’t my true identity resurfacing. It is just part of me.

And there is another part of me who is strong, and happy and healthy.

So I’ve exercised at least three times a week for almost the past five months. Today I wasn’t feeling great, but I dragged myself to the gym to run the treadmill so I wouldn’t break my streak. I went easy on the pace, but I did the full time I had planned (5 min walk/ 30 min jog / 10 min walk). I’m still amazed how much better I felt when I was done. I tend to think of fitness in terms of long term rewards, but its nice when the instant gratification comes too.

The times I seem to be inspired to live healthfully seem to come and go in waves. Part of me is a bit discouraged, knowing that even though I might be inspired to exercise and eat well now that “this too shall pass”.

But the good news is, is that I get older, the times where I want to live happy and healthy seem to come more frequently and the times seem to last longer as well. That’s quite an encouraging trend.

I’ve been feeling a bit depressed lately, and I’m thinking that part of it has to do with the fact that I’m not taking care of myself as best I should. I have to believe that junk food and stiff muscles have an affect on the brain.

I do think being happy and healthy go hand in hand. I am prescribing myself frequent exercise and home-cooked healthy meals.

So I went jogging today for the first time in a while, and I wonder if this will happen for me. Of course, I didn’t run very far or very fast, it was my first time in a while, but I realize that every time I have my “first time out in a while” its easier than I think it will be.

I keep repeating the pattern of times of good habits followed by times of bad habits, and I wonder if someday I’ll convince myself that its really worth it to stick with the good habits.

I know its inevitably my call.

I’m much better at identifying as a happy person than I was in years past, (although there is always room for improvement.) But I’m still struggling with the healthy part of this goal. I don’t prioritize exercise, I don’t always think of the healthiest foods as being the most delicious. Living in a healthful way still seems like a chore, not just a part of living.

I’m not sure what needs to come first—thoughts or actions, but I’m pretty sure they will go hand in hand and feed each other.

A few years ago, when I was struggling a lot with depression, a co-worker said something that always stuck with me.

She said that was one of the big challenges in her quitting smoking was that being a smoker was part of her identity. She told me that if I’m ever to get past my depression, I would have to stop identifying as a depressed person.

What she said made a lot of sense, and in the past few years I’ve worked to eliminate that part of my identity. Even though I still have plenty of bad moods, I no longer thing of depression as something so core to who I am.

I just realized the other day, that I may be able to apply the same way of thinking to health.

But the tricky part is, I don’t want to delude myself either—I need to live the lifestyle that goes along with being healthy.

I’ve got a lot of change ahead of me.