be who I want to be

mommy chooses who i get to be. that person is a jcrew-AE-loving prep… not my favorite. she wants me to be successful, respected, normal… basically my mom wants me to be like my old friend; dedicated, successful and perfect.

fuck that i’m wayyyyyy far from perfect…

i think if i went to a different school i wouldnt be who i am, but the people at my school dress the same way my mom wants me to, and if i change that, not only will mum get mad but the people at my school will think i’m weirder than i was before…...

ah well just fml and i’ll get over it i guess…

[I’ll try hard to make this the last sad, pathetic, ‘who the fuck cares about that, whiney?’ post I make here, promise.]

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to contribute to anything and that nothing would be different if I wasn’t here, and that the things that I want will never happen and that the people around me know that already and are just humouring me when they say ‘Yeah! That sounds great! I think you could do that!’ Sometimes I think I care more about some people that they do about me and to them I just seen a bit needy and desperate, and I know that’s horribly insecure and awful but it’s true.

I think I’m the second choice, I think I try too hard in places where it doesn’t matter much, I think I waste too much time waiting instead of actually doing, I think I care too much about what people think of me even though I really, really try not to. I’m too honest about the wrong things, I people please, I care too much just…in general, and I’m wasting time and that annoys me. This all annoys me. This is the other Gemma, the irritating 14 year old who wont grow the fuck off and leave happyamazingGemma! alone. I’m not like this really, not normally. It just sort of builds up quietly somewhere during those happyamazing moments and then something will happen and then it’ll all….crumble, I guess and stuff wont stay IN anymore. I need to try harder to make these ’issues’ and things go away so the 14 year old me will actually fuck off. Bah. I’ve stopped making sense.

I’m very sorry this is all blah and depressing but fuck it, it’s written now and reading this back in the morning should hopefully give me a little kick up the arse to make me go do things. And then I’ll delete it. Probably.

Off to bed now me thinks.
x

Ps. By the way, I think I sort of hate that you know about the cutting x

I have an issue of changing. It’s hard for me, I’m sensitive to what people think of my outward appearance.
So, I’m trying to fix this problem of mine.

Getting there..

I believe apart of being who I want to be is being able to show my lifestyles freely, which is somthing I’ve been working on doing the past couple weeks.

When people would ask me before the question ‘are you a Christian?’ I would always hesitate, or lie and say no. Why? Because being a christian around where I live is definitly not a common thing. You get so wrapped up in the atmosphere that it’s hard to do somthing and then say you are a Christian. That is not an excuse for what I did that one day in Gym class. But the atmosphere of a place helps what happens.

Anyways, so when I go somewheres and that subject is brought up, I’m not afraid to state my opinion. Just the other day I was talking to my friend and I found out he was a Christian as well! I found this out because I started talking about Church. Because of just being myself I found a great friend I can talk about God with.

I know a lot of my friends aren’t Christian, and probabaly liked me better when I wasn’t one. But this is who I am, Chelsey, a follower of Jesus. And no matter how many times I stray away, I always come back to him. I will always find my way back to God.

That’s what I call being my own person.. :)

I want to be Chelsey, a 16 year old christian hockey lover who is not afraid to show it.

I so want to be who i want to be.

i need to be myself. people need to know, i am myself and i am my own person.

i need help.

/

Ever since I’ve gotten dreadlocks it has helped me not worry about what people think. I didn’t worry too much before, but getting my dreadlocks was a vital part of my personal growth. I have learned more about myself and other people, and that has alot to do with who I want to be. I’m excited for the years to come and reveal more about myself. I’m hoping that the rest of you are learning on your journey as well…

:)

it’s good :)