be conscious, aware and present during conversations with my girls.

I realized when I had somebody else fighting for my attention that I have become very good at being present for conversations because you HAVE TO BE JUST TO KEEP UP!

I think I am doing a lot better than I was before mostly because of the concentrated effort.

As I was telling my daughter about a book I am reading “the Art of Living Consciously” by Nathaniel Branden, I was suprised to hear her tell me that she and her sisters have discussed this aspect of my behavior amongst themselves. It wasn’t something I did purposely or continually. I know that for the first two years after I left my husband I was living in constant fear. Afraid that I was not going to be able to do exactly what I was doing, be a single mom, support them alone, remain healthy and sane. It was only when I was fired from a job, thrown down into the hell I was so afraid of and managed to survive, that I finally realized that I would be okay. I started listening more, especially to my youngest daughter who seemed to have always been ingored. As I read this book, I find that I have used a state of unconsciouness as a way to hide behind things I didn’t want to see. I even did it today. I ws telling kailey about those medical bills, how they had gone to collections and apoligized for how this is affecting her. She was mad and I tried to be patient. Our conversation turned to other things and then I realized that I had tuned out. I was disappointed and angry with myself for not being more responsible. I left for work shortly afterward. I now see that I hurt Kaily not once but twice, first when I was not being responsible and second when I tuned her out after she made the effort to come home to see me. I guess I should be happy that I can at least recognize what I have done, I am open and present to my bad behavior and willing and able to work on it.