tell my mother i love her

i talk to her i tell her.

I have the power to make my mother cry. All i have to do is hug her the right way, and everything will be fine. So this is the chronicles of the baby in the family, was i ever the favorite? and if so, i never showed it, i never talked, i never did anything, So I’m sorry i’ve been away for so long.

I sent my mother a message in the mail, because everytime we talk she always brings up money, and i can’t stand money. and the letter had pictures of me smiling, and i said i loved her dearly, but when i called her i said it had something very important to do with school. This will be the second time i’ve surprised her. for i was home the other week, talking to her, going down that old road, telling her i was in tampa as i pulled in, the door was open, she was doing spring cleaning, and i scared her. but we hugged.

ever get that feeling?

(Although I don’t know if it technically counts, as it was over the gmail instant messenger, and it was an “I love you too” sort of thing… and she had already signed off, but the message would appear in her inbox later. Still – I’m calling it done!)

The funny thing is, I completed this goal during the course of undoing another done goal. (The switching classes one – that independent contract turned out to be hell, so I gladly switched back into my old class.)

Every time I go home I mean to do this, but I just can’t. I’m not really sure what love is supposed to be, but if I love anyone, I love her. However, I don’t think I’ve told her that I loved her since I was five. I’ve told people I loved them since then, occasionally – and always jokingly… people I don’t really love at all. I just can’t tell my mother… and I think it hurts her. I seriously TRIED to say it a while ago, but I kept hemming and hawing until she thought I had something really shocking to say – so I ended out spilling all sorts of personal secrets just to avoid saying ‘I love you.’ This is so messed up. I don’t even want to say it for her so much as for me – to prove I can.

I tried again over Thanksgiving break… completely didn’t work. Blah.

but far enough that i think i can mark this one off.

over my last trip to toronto, and after quite possibly one of the worst months in my life, i had some really good conversations with my mom, including one where i was able to totally open up to her instead of my usual hiding or ‘non answers’ (i’m horrible at lying but good at only giving the minimal answer required).

i definitely appreciate my mom, more so now that i’m older and know that just like my best friends, she will always be there for me through thick and thin.

with all the recent stress in my life, my mom and i have been getting along a lot better – because in the end, who else will you always have in your life? your family…

my mom is visiting me for thanksgiving. I’m a little apprehensive about spending all this time alone with her (my brother ditched on visiting) but at the same time I’m really excited she’s coming out from toronto to see me. I take that as a good sign.

this is totally something i should do – i’m not that close to my mom, though our relationship has gotten a lot better since I moved across the country.

i totally respect her – raising me and my bro on her own and giving us the freedom to go in the directions we wanted to go – but i never tell her or call her enough for her to know that.