Write a Daily Journal

Just want to make a note of this as I was very cheerful and motivated this morning, then remembered something my BF did and suddenly my mood went on a landslide down the hill. I think it’s partly my problem for allowing things he does to affect me so much in such a negative way. But I also want to acknowledge that this is happening and he brings me down. Mhm.

I am happy to announce to myself that I have succeeded on maintaining my journal :D

Got it only for free. So good since writing is just free too.

I have a blog on livejournal, but can’t write everyday since I don’t go online on daily basis. But one magical day, I won myself an organizer from Fullybooked, my fave bookshop at the time. It has this page where once can write a full paragraph everyday, so I will. My goal:

a) Write my day to day goal or reflections
b) Make my penmanship better.

I want to write daily but I’m not doing it so far. I used to and it was helpful for me. And I like writing here as I can type very fast and as I find it clearly arranged here what I write but I do hesistate to blurb out my most inner thoughts into the internet. I’m not sure this is appropriate and safe. At least that’s how I feel. Mhm.

Loving this illustration by the lovely Gemma Flack. Fits my frame of mind as I’m learning to accept that the boy I love comes with some toxic baggage he choses to hold on to very tightly. It’s a lot and the sheer weight of it is dragging me down, so I can’t fly anymore like I used to.

I find myself in the sad situation of having to deal with the repercussions of a complaining, malicious, spiteful, domineering, intrusive, unpleasant tyrant aka his ex-wife. I try to remember that all is temporary and that I can chose how I spend my life time including how much time I’m willing to waste feeling uncomfortable and unhappy like this.

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Tuesday, AUGUST 26th (day 03):

I had troubles fallig asleep last night. Was lying in the dark with a pounding heart and very tense. I watched a bit of telly at first (usually relaxes me and makes me tired). Didn’t work. I focused on my breathing and tried some relaxation techniques. I guess at some point I fell asleep. The last time I remember the time was 02:00. I did a tiny bit of snoozing in the morning. Got up at 08:20 (had the alarm set for 08:00) and felt jaded. After stretching, tea and shower felt better. I feel motivated to go to bed early again today. And I want to go to Yoga today and buy some sleeping tea.

Had a whole weat bun with sunflower seeds and Nutella for breakfast. Good.

Today I had the runs after breakfast. It’s probably coz I didn’t eat well yesterday and also perhaps stress related. Will make sure I drink alot and eat well today. I’m glad I wrote this down, so if it goes on and I have to see a doctor: I will be able to say since when I’ve had it.

I’ve discovered that I like routines. In order to strive with a clear mind and a calm heart a guiding grid does me good. I like stability. I want to acknowledge my need for routines and re-establish healthy routines that I can exercise where ever I am (I don’t have a 9-8 job anymore and travel alot for my work. The only one I’m accountable for at the moment is myself – and the tax office of course. Whoa!)

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Monday, AUGUST 25th (day 02):

Every Monday I want to chose three or more goals for the week. This week (35) I want to focus especially on these three goals:

. be me
. go to bed early
. drink more water

I’ve just finished cutting the stalks of my gorgeous orange lilies, cleaned the beautiful glas vase that holds them and put a little miracle powder in the fresh water that keeps them blossoming for longer. While I was doing all this I felt happy and realised how much joy I feel when I arrange flowers. I’m so happy when I look at beautiful flowers and vases. I love to surround myself with beauty and it sparks over to me and fills me with peace and joy. Thank you to my wonderful boyfriend for buying lilies for me almost every week we’re at home (he knows lilies are my favourite). I thank him for his care and love and for bringing beauty, happiness and love into my life. His love for me shines out of every blossom and reminds me of his kindness and loving affection for me. I feel very grateful and happy. I’m loved and in love. It’s wonderful that I take the time to write it down, manifest and realise that I have everything I need already in order to be happy. I just have to learn to trust it and realise that it is ok for me to enjoy it.

I want to eat healthier. Good that it’s only day one. I had one ramen soup to which I only added fresh onions. I tried to make up by having Natto with spring onions. That was my lunch. Had no breakfast. Forgot about dinner. Had a snack before boing to bed (sesame seaweed nuggets) plus Natto with spring onions (at midnight). I’m not gonna beat myself up about it, but I will make it my goal to love myself more and look after myself better.

I’m thinking right now that I might have a tendency to magnify the not so good things in some of my friendships and relationships while at the same time I don’t praise the wonderful things enough perhaps (still thinking about this as not totally sure yet). Today I did something nice: After I wrote an entry about how happy I was arranging the flowers my boyfriend gave to me for my ‘be happy’ goal, I re-wrote my journal entry into a thank-you-letter where I shared my happiness about the lilies he gave me with my boyfriend and thanked him and told him how much I love him and that I’m grateful for his love and care. I wrote it on lovely lilac letter paper with flowers on it and writing the letter made me happy – again. This is great.

I want to make it a steady habit to drink 2L of water every day. Today, I drank 1L of water, 2 cups of tea (English tea) and one can of Calpico Water. Not too bad.

I want to make it a new habit of going to bed early. I may need to work into this gradually but deffo consistently. OK, I’m going to bed now (just need to have a little snack, wash face, brush teeth and make a good-night-tea (oh no, I don’t have any, I need to get better organised). I’m shutting the laptop down now (00:04). It’s a start. Good night!

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Sunday, AUGUST 24th (day 01):

OK, I’ve got started online. Hooray! In the past I would write my goals on study cards and spread them out on the floor, think about them, change them and then figure out the order of importance. Then I would put them in the current order clipped together in my desk drawer and whenever I felt I’m losing track: I would get them out and look at them. It worked.

So now I’m trying the online version and will see how it works for me. I’ve never had 43 study cards, that’s for sure. I had less cards that were less concrete. For me it was a way to keep track of what is most important to me (i.e. 1. happiness, 2. health, 3. music, 4. become a working musician, 5. creativity, 6. writing, 7. tavelling, 8. studying, 9. PR (my initial profession), 10. money and so on).

My previous system has helped me crystallise what I want to do and be: A happy, healthy, working musician, making a living by being creative and doing what I love most; using my verbal skills for writing song lyrics and poems as well as speaking my mind in articles for magazines (hopefully books one day), travelling the world, studying at university, doing PR for musicians (incl. myself) and labels and being independent and self-employed. I’ve come a long way, but there are things I need to work on. I’m living on shoestrings at the moment (that’s not healthy) and I need to make better use of my time, focus on my current goals and concentrate on my daily duties, have a reasonable amount of breaks and leisure time and be more structured in general. In short: I need to rock steady.

Keeping track of my goals has helped me find out what I want to do most utterly and then just doing it one step at a time. Now I need to consolidate what I’ve acomplished and take better care of my health, my home and my social life.