figure out what the hell I want to do with my life

Ok. Todays decision:

I’ve decided to finish my bachelor in math ( i love math ) and not finish the bachelor in buziness. Will combine math with something else.

YES!

Everytime i pick up a marketing book, a small part of me dies. Why do something i hate?

I’m up eating chocolate ice cream.

It’s 3:30 am here in Uppsala, Sweden. I’m surrounded by school books, a bowl of chocolate ice cream and I look like a crazy person slash slob slash mad professor. After studying a subject I don’t particularly enjoy all day, I crawled into bed with a book, looked at the ceiling and hoped for sleep. WHERE THE HELL IS IT! SLEEP Come too meee…GAH! Sleep deprivation due to this gad damn goal,I have to stop obsessing about my future like this. And it’s a friday.

Soooo I do the obvious, crawl out of bed and comfort eat, comfort eat some more and google different degrees all around the world and compare it to mine, everything from Harvard courses to the most absurd self made careers. Scrutinize the choices and change my mind, only to change it again.

Yah know, it kinda sucks when you have do well and get half your bachelors in something you don’t like, plus it’s even harder staying motivated cause everything feels pointless.

I’ve always imagined university to be more fulfilling, going to school for the mere thought of learning, not to get some points that i can show to my future employer, it feels more like some kinda training centre. I want my teachers to inspire me and i want to feel challanged. I’m sure i would feel that way if i had made the right choice. One things for sure though, I’ve made the decision TODAY not to torture myself anymore and do something that I’m truly COMPLETLY passionate about.

Why do we tend to do this to ourselves, limit our choices, forget that the sky is the limit. Why the hell should we settle? Man, if i want to produce a show about dancing monkeys in fairy tutus or major in rocket science and make then make a gigantic rocket I should have enough faith do to so… but i don’t…

If only figuring out a profession was as easy as eating all this ( now melted ) chocolate ice cream. ah sweet gluttony.

cross roads suck.
should i go to college?
what college should i go to?
what’s my major?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU GROW UP?

wow i just don’t know.

Interestingly this was something I have wanted to be since I was a little kid, something that my mother always told me I would be great at. And in the back of my head I could never forget, even though the road is really long, difficult, expensive, requires a lot of brains that I didn’t think I had and sacrifices that I thought I was not willing to make. But that deep inner voice just wouldn’t shut up. I don’t even think it was something that I wouldn’t let go of, because I really tried. It was truly a calling, one that wouldn’t let go of me.

this a strange and rather ambiguous goal

what should I do what should I do?
this is a toughy

I think right now, this is a priority. Things would be so much easier if I knew exactly what I wanted.

I don’t think I do anymore.

hmm..

It’s strange so much time I’ve spent trying to figure out what i should study, if I made the right choices, if should go back and redo some things to do something else. To study here, study abroad, study at all for now. What the job prospects are like, will I be happy, will if affect others, and bla bla. Ah so many questions, its ridicolous.

Sometimes I just wish that I could google myself-and all the things that apply to me would pop up!

i had another account but i had to close it…

*I am 21 and I want to take risks, I feel stuck, I feel lost, and I am so confused… some very nice ppl already gave me advice so thank you ! :)

i have started reading ‘what should i do with my life ?’ by PO BRONSON.