Put the past behind me

But I’ve got to do this. I’ll never be truly and completely happy if I don’t.

is it just me or do humans remember more bad stuff than good? I want to forget all the crapiness and negativity.

Abandon all the bad friendships in the hope of saving new ones. Forget all the past criticisms and failures to encounter praise and success round the corner. Forget all the Heart-Aches and Heart-Breaks to fall without fear into a new Love.

Yet to retain all the wit and wisdom that has been learned from the past so I do not continue stumbling naively on committing the same mistakes – that’s the real challenge.

temet nosce – know thyself

I know there’s a lot of people out there who can relate when I say that you just need to get some things out of your system before you become . . . I guess, a sensible person. For a time, I thought I needed to be lazy, ignorant, self-indulgent, destructive, petty, and the list could go on. But I feel like all that’s getting old – boring, even. I’m starting to feel like the only moments I’m alive are when I’m making some movement in the opposite direction. This has been happening for a while and I’ve had set-backs but they’re starting to feel less and less natural, less intuitive. I think I’m on the verge of leaving vices behind permanently, or at least the attraction of vices. I’d like to make another big push.

To get on with this process, I’m attempting to keep a journal with a daily confession of something I’m ashamed of. Then once I’ve had a little time to get that out of my system, I’m going back and writing down why I forgive myself. Hopefully this will help me truly let go of some things that are bothering me, and help me in my continual self-evolution.

So I’ve been holding on to him, to this dream, to the first time I’ve loved someone and I need to move on because I know he has and I need to.

The problem is that it’s really hard because I was the one who broke up with him and I have regrets because I only realised what I had when it was gone.

So now I need to push past this.

I want to because if I don’t I’m not sure if I can trust others completly

this is a hard one. I don’t know if I can put my past behind me, but I’m gonna try

ok, so since “the wedding that never was” i have had these strange, well…crushes. people that i see potential in. only i see way too much potential and not enough reality.

the first was who we refer to as my future husband. he is now my ex-future husband. all i knew when i was smitten was that he was cute, funny and we could banter. banter is important to me. plus he had blond curly hair (swoon). then he made out with my cousin. DONE.

then there was the cute bartender refered to as the youngin. so he was 21, so what? again, funny, cute, the banter was there. again, made out with my cousin. DONE. are we seeing a pattern? yah, she should get her own post. now i realize that all of that was a blessing in disguise. these guys are all wrong for me…too immature, too financially unstable (not that i am lookin to be a gold digger, i just want someone who can at least pay their half), and too skirt chasing.

then there came the last, call him k. this one my cousin did not make out with. so instead i dated him for 3 years and we had a child together. i would not change any of it as far as the monkey goes, but some of the other stuff…oh man, i could write a book! i let myself get sucked in by all of the charm and REFUSED to see the bad. until it was too late. by then i had defended him to all who had seen his true colors from the start. so instead of cutting and running when i first spotted a problem i stayed. i tried to be the steady, the loyal girlfriend, the committed partner. only he wasn’t doing the same. when he admitted an addiction problem i tried to understand. when he got a dui in MY car, i got mad, but i stayed. i even drove him to and from work, in the middle of the night with our infant in the back seat. (i know alright, i know) he would disappear for days at a time with no explaination. spend all of his half of the rent/utilites/food money and then be mad that he had to pay half of my credit card bill that paid for it all. my last straw was when i had to go back to work after having the baby and he was to watch her in the morning. i came home early one day to find him outside drinking a beer with one of his cronies while she played inside. so i FINALLY sucked up all my pride and moved me and the monkey back in with my folks. we still see him pretty often and he still sometimes gets under my skin enough to play mind games. but at least now i am out of there and working on another of my goals: to get out of debt.

as you can see, since the original hear break there has not been a whole lot of good progress. just a string of disappointments and one really great kid. now i need to move past it all. i would like to show my child that i know how to be happy, so that she can grow up to be happy too.

i am now 30 and ready to move on with my life. i have made some bad choices in my life, some have been made for me. it has been 6 years and i still can’t seem to get over the one that got away. my fault? his fault? no one’s fault? (that one is the worst) since we will probably never speak again, i guess i will never know. i just can’t seem to move on. the only guy i’ve dated since him i chose for his exact oppositeness (i know its not a word, move on) so that there would be NO comparison. well, that did not work out. (shocking, right?) so now i would like to move on. forget about the marriage that never was. i just feel so much regret, so much loss for the life we could have had. i really did love him. i know enough time has passed that i should be done with this by now, but for some reason i am not. hopefully by actively seeing a change i will start the process of moving on and achiving another one of my goals, to find love. wish me luck!

So I was going to come on here and write about how I need to put the past behind me more firmly because though I am mentally settled with my past and choices occasionally it blind sides me. I had a blind sided moment yesterday and knew that it was something I needed to work out real quick to keep going. So I decided to get on here and sound off when I saw the best entry from people who have done this and it reached me and gave me the push I needed to get back into line. The past, the choices, the consequences are all behind me because I chose Him. This is now just me expressing my gratitude for his infinite grace and acceptance. Looks like I am going to be just fine. :)