Embrace my Emotions

I can fully say that I’m embracing my emotions, or open to allowing them into my heart and consciousness. Coming from a non-emotional family, I’m proud that I accomplished this goal.

“The best way out is always through.”
- Robert Frost

This sums up everything I feel and know about fear. The only way to let it go is to go through it. I try to do this every time I feel scared. It’s hard, sometimes I avoid it with my eyes closed and my reasoning shut. The times that I’ve been able to walk through it by feeling the fear, I was amazed at how easy and unthreatening it felt. It’s the thought of my fears that have the strongest bite, the real fear has no teeth.

I am so embracing my emotions right now, my arms are wrapped tightly around each one of them. Yahooo!

Emotions travel in layers and can dance with many different partners all at once. When I consciously listen to the talk that goes on in my mind, I’m amazed at how many different thoughts go through all at once. It’s the same with my emotions. I can feel several things at the same time too. And they don’t all make sense on the surface, and I’m allowing for them to be there – no judgement or guilt. I’m accepting my feelings as they are. When I really think about these ‘silent’ emotions, it usually leads to something deep and alive.

Part of embracing my emotions is to let them out too. There’s no use in caressing my feelings if they just stay inside. They must roam freely and openly. Like children, they need to dance. The happy and positive emotions are easier for me to express, the negative, painful or remotely angry ones are tough. I think part of me is afraid the person receiving these emotions will be crushed by the force of them. This sounds melodramatic to me, but this is an actual fear. Though the times that I actually do it, being genuine with my feelings, I’m amazed at how intact people remain at the end of it.

I recently had an open conversation with my mom about several things that have been on my mind, things that I’ve held off telling her because they’re painful and I didn’t know how she would receive them. She listened and took in what she could, and said she’d think about the rest. The greatest part about this conversation was the relief and strength I felt afterward. Letting out all those emotions made me feel alive and real. Real. It was like, “So I can say my truth and the world isn’t going to crumble? Amazing!” I felt this and it changed me profoundly.

Embracing my emotions means opening my arms to sadness too. These last few days were filled with painful tears. I’m up and then I’m down. I guess this is part of truly living – it calls for courage to face everything that comes up. I think this is why I’ve always been attracted to the theatre, all those actors fearlessly letting out their emotions for all to see. They were doing what I couldn’t and I loved them for that.

I’m feeling all yucky today. It’s a day where nothing is particularly wrong, but I’m feeling completely out of sync with everything. Like my drum beats are a fraction off. Instead of fighting this feeling and getting agitated, which I almost did a few times today, I’m going to embrace this emotion and flow with it and see where it wants to take me.

I’m feeling incredibly restless at the moment. It’s the need to do something, and not knowing what. It also has to do with my heightened awareness of everything that’s going on inside me. I feel like I want to do everything at once and wanting to go in all directions, I’m stalled in one spot. This is a horrible feeling. But I’m going to stay with it and walk through it.

Amazing things are happening to me as I become fully aware of all my emotions; I’m letting go of old, worn out ideas and thoughts. Letting go of these things makes room for inner peace. Because of it, I’m falling asleep quickly and my lifelong insomnia is gone. This, on its own, is amazing. And it motivates me to keep at it, to keep being present and alive to everything.

I’ve been exploring what certain things really mean to me through my writing in the last few days and noticing the emotions they bring up – things like money. I always thought this was a simple thing for me, I’m not materialistic and so I assumed that it had little emotional meaning for me. Through my writing and free associating, I realized that there is a mountain of emotions flowing for me in this area of money.

My parents didn’t have a lot of money to spend when I was growing up and they had to work extremely hard to make a good life for us. I always felt guilty for wanting things, even just wishing for them made me feel ungrateful towards my parents. Money was also a constant source of tension. So a sense of lack, guilt and agitation are what I associate with money.

I was overwhelmed when I realized this. It made complete sense and yet I wasn’t expecting it. I never took the time to truly explore what it meant to me. It was something that I assumed I understood, and now realize were simply assumptions that I adopted from other people.

I’m starting to dig deep into every part of my life to see what’s really there. The veil is lifting and my eyes are open. It’s scary to go this deep, and sometimes I don’t want to, but it’s important to me.
This December is dedicated to exploring my emotions. I’m going to spend it in quiet, so that I can hear my true voice talking to me. There’s a lot of outside voices, other people and the media, to dig through to get to my genuine thoughts. This month, I want to be with myself, quietly and peacefully.

A lot of days I go through asking, “What am I doing with my life?” I wonder what I’m contributing to the world because I don’t have a regular job, I’m not inventing anything, not curing anything, not winning any awards. I’m a writer, my contribution are words – these esoteric thoughts that flash in my mind and only my mind. But I haven’t written a best selling book or even have an idea for a book; somedays I feel like I’m wasting my time. Creativity can’t be measured in any tangible way, and I reassure myself that this quiet time is necessary for my writing and contentment. Sometimes though I feel like I’m aimlessly wandering through nothing and that bothers me.

I’ve chosen this life and I love my words. Seeing them on the screen makes me immensely happy, happier than any job I’ve ever had. I still wonder what I’m doing and where I’m going. I have a finite amount of time on earth and my question is this: am I living it to the fullest?

I’m doing this and it is changing me.

More smiles.
More inner peace.
More contentment.
More happiness.
More ease.
More life.

:D