Create a loving and supportive extended family with friends who are supportive and loving and kind.

I’m still a child at the core. There’s the 5 year old looking up at the world, for a warm hand to hold and searching for the elusive feeling of protection. Then I grew up and the grown up me looked down at the child me and said, “Grow up, you’re an adult now. You don’t need anyone else.” So I pushed that part away and walked into the world in what I thought was an adult pose.

But the child stayed, she’s always been there, and because of this there are constant struggles erupting within. My love for independence is always butting against my want for connection. It’s like that Dr. Seuss story of the two characters standing in each other’s way, but neither is willing to move. With time passing, highways grow around them, but the two are still standing in the same spot, waiting for the other to get out of the way. This is how it feels to have these two distinct parts in me, each wanting something that seems to stand in the other’s way, but neither can see a way to accommodate the other.

But I think there must be a way for me to feel independent and strong, while being warmly connected to my friends. I want to move through my all-or-nothing mentality and see that they can coexist. And coexist happily. I even think that there’s a way for each part of me to help the others get what they want. To live as a hamonious whole person would be wonderful and peaceful.

I haven’t written much under my goals other than my gratitudes lately, and it’s been a while since I’ve marked anything as Done! There’s probably a correlation between actively thinking and writing about goals with achieving them. To get back on track, I’m going to write something about a few of my goals every day.

I adore this goal.

Just thinking about the words “Create a loving and supportive extended family with friends who are supportive and loving and kind.” makes me feel warm. It’s true you can’t choose your family but you certainly choose your friends. This last year, I started to honestly look at myself, my life and the people in it. There were plenty of lessons that I finally learned and moved on from. It was in taking this time to look around that made me clearer about where I want to go and who I want in my life, and most importantly: why I want these people in my life. I wrote in one of my entries some months ago about drawing out a life road map for myself, and I just realized that I have it now. These 43T goals are my destinations and I’m drawing in the roads.

I’ve been very fortunate to meet some great people in my life. I’ve also made friends or actively pursued friendships with people that were completely wrong for me. They were good people, just on a different path. Now that I’m clear on what I want for myself, I’m also okay with walking away from relationships. I don’t have to be friends with everyone or invite them into my life. Being on good terms with everyone is what I aim for, but I know that not everyone is good for me. And it’s okay to walk away with a kind smile. This idea seems so obvious now but it wasn’t before and I felt a great relief when it bubbled up to my consciousness. To not feel obligated to be friends with everyone was like coming up for air after a deep dive into the ocean.

I’m sure there’s still more for me to learn on this journey. Every time I think I’m done learning about my true self, I’m ding’ed on the head with another pebble. It would be my greatest life achievement if I can learn all my lessons when they’re pebbles before they turn into flying bricks.