trying too hard to keep up. Balance with all this political and financial drama unfolding seems such a far-away goal. Am taking life way to seriously and need to start eavesdropping more on 43t.

PMS doesn’t help. 4 years ago

of feeling like there is something to prove. somehow better. somehow more. 5 years ago

goodness i love this sunshine and warmth. heading outside doesn’t seem brutal and exhausting, au contraire, it’s just JOY. Tho it makes the snow-oriented goal(s) on my list much harder to achieve.
I also joyfully gave blood today. but the pint less has left me more frazzled than usual.
Carlos, the guy who took my stats, joked with me & said:
Oh, wow, i like your top. (now now now- it’s just sporty attire & not at all boob revealing)
And he pointed out the details on it. He then said- oh- i like the color of your watch. You must have a nice beautiful home since you pay attention to details.
I laughed at him, knowing he was playin’ me, and said- Yes, Carlos, I do have a nice home that i like just “so”.
He pricked my finger for the hemoglobin test.
I bullshitted on and said- But, I think it takes time and you have to make it a priority to enjoy nice things. Honestly, I barely feel like I have the time to keep it all in order anymore.
He glanced at the results, nodded and said- your iron level is a great. Then grinned at me and said, You know, honey, my wife does not do any of that kinda stuff, you know, I look after all the details. The pretty things. Even our garden I like beautiful.
I chuckled and said- well- I work too hard to live in this state. Keeping things beautiful takes a lot of time.
He next held my wrist gently to take my pulse.
he said matter of factly and looked me squarely in the eyes- You need a man.
He noted my pulse and I blushed tho he did not say it in that way.
I said playfully and boldly- I got a man! What difference does that make? If anything- I have more to deal with!
He thrust the flat plastic thermometer into my mouth and I was silenced as he said, You both need to take care of each other.
He wrote down my temp and then pumped up my blood pressure cuff and the silence continued until the pressure released.
He smiled at me and said- Life is a beautiful thing…too beautiful to be a slave to this world. You need to enjoy it.
My big brown eyes met his smiling ones as he slid the cuff off my arm and he shooed me into the next room with the cots. 5 years ago

wrapped, sparkly, colorful and shiny and bright. pre-christmas crazies done. on all fronts.

my life is very planned as my work entails hourly scheduling. so every minute is accounted for….therefore, on my days off i like to know how things are going to go so i can adjust appropriately. so i asked mr. man (by the way, our first christmas together) what was up w viztin’ his parents (divorced…GREAT! double the fun!) to which he had remarked a few weeks ago- we usually go up to my mom’s on christmas day (up north from nj) and then my dad (down south from nj). oh the joy. why? oh yea- my days off are precious to me. because they are so few and far between. so backtrack to tues eve. Went to see I Am Legend (btw- which i thought sucked but I am not into sci-fi almost cult-ish experiences unless it’s quentin)and the night was over and wed a.m. i say: Hon- so what is up w christmas, i need to schedule my clients etc. next week and am in limbo. (place i HATE!) He says….oh….....yeah…that. well, i was thnking we would drive up this weekend.

ohhkay. it’s 6:10 a.m. and I am leaping out to meet my first client and i bit my tongue which wanted to lash him to pieces and say:
ARE YOU FLIPPPING INSANE BUT I TOLD YOU I DO CHRISTMAS EVE W MY FAMILYTHATS THEONLY NIGHT W THEM AND ITS ONLY A FEW HOURS AND I AM SUPPOSED TO SPEND DAAAAAAAYS WITH YOURS ON A PULL OUT SOFA BED THAT MIGHT BE AS OLD AS I AM YOUNG AND I SNEEZE NON-STOP AS THE SPORES FROM THE 70’s HAVE COLONIZED AND MAY BE ABLE TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD AT THIS POINT NOT TO MENTION I STILL HAVE TO BUY THEN WRAP AND GET THIS CHRISTMAS THING TOGETHER? AND THEN WE COME BACK TO SEE MY FAMILY AND THEN THE NEXT OFF TO SEE YOUR DAD AND THEN WHAT IS LEFT OF MY TIME???

But, instead, I inhaled and said: okay, well, have a nice day but my eyes were spewing what I was feeling.

i held out til 7.20 a.m. patience, eh?

i called him and then hung up.

I breathed and let it go. when we finally spoke that night- he said- sheesh… plans have changed we are going to see my mom christmas day.

okay- sigh of relief for me. after which i set the rules and said- well, i am not up for driving to your pop’s. i hope you can understand, besides i already have people scheduled for the end of the week. fine. hung up. and welcomed a new day. yesterday. and got home exhausted, the usual, yet very edgy and melancholic and uneasy. night time now so talked on the phone and I put it out there to him-what i was so incredibly scared of saying and could not say so i talked around the world before I realized i needed to get there:

WHAT ABOUT ME?

rush out of NJ here and thru NJ there and back out of NJ to there. this person and that one. but… what… about… me? what about us? this relationship we are trying to build. when will our chrsitmas be? my voice started quivering and my hard ass attitude melted to sniffling and tears. and i realized i didn’t at all feel like a priority. when was i going to have christmas with him?

i rattled off the days of when we were doing what and going where and said- that leaves when FOR US??? THE NEW YEAR? and tho i was mad it hurt me so much to say that. then i relaized i was trying to control it all. when to set OUR christmas, when to exchange gifts, i even hinted at gifts (yes- jewelry. i know- never hint just say it but one day i will exit disneyland) anyway, now chrsitmas felt forced and manipulated with him. Why can’t just spending time together be enough?

i then reminded him and re-explained that my christmases at home were….insane and out of control. so i do my best now to try to avoid disappointment. by having it all mapped out and directed by myself.
he then said:
so you are saying that you are already going to be disappointed. you haven’t given me the opportunity to even impress you. you made up your mind to be disappointed. how do you think that makes me feel?

o m g

My silent tears doubled their march down my cheeks.

Was this true? kinda. but….but…i am just so tired of diappointment. it has nothing to do w the gifts. just everything about the effort.

i am not sure if he understands. i don;t eventhink i understand. but i just want to be loved. be first in someones life. its not as if we have kids to focus on.

so, christmas in the town of bedlam is well on it’s way. this is when true colors shine.

please please please shine bright. 5 years ago

deleted.

couldn’t do it.

too scared to even write about it.

maybe next time. 5 years ago

on whether to change the goal title to “achieving balance” yet that has such a new age-y ring to it. My inner hippie loves it, but the other part of me rolls her eyes and groans. but the control thing sounds so harsh and….unilluminated. all which seem to describe my current STUCK feeling.
STUCK.
love my job- but STUCK working two others ones SO i can love my job making barely enough to survive. what does that mean? do i have to UNSTUCK and bite the bullet and go back to paper pushing that drove me NUTS? but then i will have the cash and, instead of current anxieties, OTHER ones.
love calm and rationale- but despise passivity. of course they aren’t mutally exclusive, but this current situation is frustrating. have yet to determine if it’s me. IS IT ME?? and it’s always bigger than what i think it means.
My friend said to me:
Ginger, lower you expecatations for happy or before you know it, you will have missed out.
What? So i need to SETTLE?
No, not settle, that is your brain talking.
So, i feel stuck in this limbo world. Of course I can choose to be happy. But instead I am still feeling lost and unanchored. And hugely passive aggressive. Not a good combination, in fact, a recipe for emotional chaos.
lovely feeling to take with me into the weekend.
so i put away the sugary gummy chews. and need to clean up this home. maybe that will help clear up the other trivialities.

but life is grand. said with sweet sincerity. 5 years ago

addressed and fixed! Yay Mr. Man!!! that only took about two months. now, this could mean very very bad things for my out of controlness esp. concerning domestic chores. Or, I might be able to get MORE done as I will not be obsessing about the wirless, and, as my laptop is in my living room, i could potentially DO things inbetween surfing 43t… 5 years ago

grinding leg-shaking fingertip-rubbing a.d.d. kinda day. not even close to seeing the dawn of sanity anytime soon, it seems.

need

to

slow

down. 5 years ago

absolutely positively out of control. 5 years ago

Yes- the fact I have to pat myself on the back for actually folding all (LOADS and LOADS) the laundry on my couch at the end of my bed and…..drumroll, please…VACUUMED the bedroom, is really pathetic, eh? But that’s where I am, folks. It was nice to see the morning sun trail the fresh vacuum tracks across my carpet. 5 years ago

How do I just DO IT???? 5 years ago

Fruckin’ nitemare down there. 5 years ago

have turned into a holding pen for anything. and so much mail. It’s now mortifying. it would only take an hour or two to clean. Unlike the basement which is another holding pen for more crap and even more mail. 5 years ago