get what i deserve

Get interested in football (ugh they are all louts).
Converse with my bloke in the language of football.
Become a football babe?
Football, football, football I’ll put a foot in your ball if you like.
Actually look interested when my boyfriend wakes up in the morning and first thing he announces is football-related.
Not roll my eyes when boyf gets texts (about football) and sends messages (about football) to all his mates from college-days gone-by, while he is watching a football match.
Look extremely gracious when he decided to update me on what’s happening to Aston Villa – if they have been promoted, if so-and-so is having a knee operation. If Mr gooble-dee-gook has produced a squiffy-jiffy formation or kicked a nice goal.

Not get annoyed when we go for a rare day-out together and he spends all day checking his phone for football match updates.

Not get fed up with repeated tales of how he loved being at college (anything related to college or his beloved town where he worked in the local pub).
Not get upset when we are doing something new on a day-out and he regales me with tales of how it was great when he did something similar back at college.
Not get jealous of his past even though he seems to want to go back there.

Accept he is a pub-a-holic.
Accept he will always love football in an all-obsessive manner.
Accept he will follow all sports (apart from swimming, tennis, ice-skating, athletics and gymnastics – all the sports I happen to like!) voraciously until death do us part.
Accept he will always be playing on his PS3 until kingdom comes and whenever I happen to disappear upstairs for more than 5 minutes. (And lo and behold accept that he will be playing FIFA 09 or update version on his PS3 until kingdom come).

Accept that he will look at porn when I am at work and he has spare time in the house to “get bored”.

Accept that he doesn’t want to have sex – ever. Although it seems he has no problem with looking at a healthy dose of porn.

Accept that he works flexible hours and we can never plan anything ahead at more than two days’ notice.

Accept we hardly ever have the same days off together (when I start a full-time job again).

Accept that we probably have nothing in common, he doesn’t fancy me, I’ve gone off him, and we should just finish.

It says in my life coaching that I should note what my beliefs about love is. Do I believe in a single soul-mate? (No, that belief went out the window years ago!)

Where am I looking for someone? Where have I been looking before now? (Erm, school. Work. College. Work again. In a club – drunk of course. An ex-boyfriends best-mate! Uni. Work again again. In a pub (drunk again again). Yeah great. Really successful. I was pretty much zapping any chances of finding anyone with anything in common with me by stumbling across blokes in those places. Work is never a good idea. I’ve learned my lesson there.
I go out and hope to bag someone that night and for years after. I can’t be arsed doing all that does he/doesn’t he romance shite. I get someone and the work is done. It’s a bit lazy really isn’t it. I don’t get to know someone very well before I start dating them. I leave it all to chance really. No wonder my current relationship feels like it’s up shit-creek. Nothing in common at all. He’s not that bothered about anything, and I’ve given up the will to keep on trying in the relationship.

Make it easy for a soul-mate to recognise the passion in me. So that means if I enjoy baking – to go to loads of food shows, cookery courses, etc. If I enjoy swimming – to keep on going to club and competitions. If I enjoy doing up my MX5 – to visit the garage a lot??!! Ha! Not interested in a boy-racer. I don’t plap my tits out for anyone’s camera. This means I will have to socialise. No wonder I have never met anyone. I don’t like socialising!!

Be happy with my situation / my life. Don’t look to others and envy their situations because it’s not always WYSIWYG.

...I should get what I deserve – in a bad sense! What comes around goes around! I don’t mean this goal to be like that! I’m not a glutton for punishment!
Reading a life-coaching book, one “powerful question” stuck out for me. “What do I deserve?”
As I have recently realised, I never have a goal in mind when I start doing something. Either that or I stress myself out by trying to get everything perfect first time. Without having a goal I can’t keep sight of why I’m doing something on a daily basis. No wonder I get demotivated.

The question “What do I deserve?” is basically clarifying to myself what I want or expect to happen or have in my life. It’s an expression of what I really want. I’ve never thought about what I think I actually deserve before. If I had done this years ago I might not have ended up getting emotionally involved with so many bastards. I might not have applied for menial employment beneath my qualifications. I might not have gone to a University that didn’t have the appropriate funding or facilities to support my true ambitions. I might not have taken to heart what that silly woman at music college said to me. I might not have moved back to a rural location after graduating, which clearly doesn’t offer the same career opportunities that I might get closer to a city.

I am an ambitious person but got lost on the way. I’ve definitely reached a point where I recognise I can regain control over my life and start making decisions that are in my best interests.

There’s a ton of options I might not have taken should I have had a little more confidence in my abilities. Although, I realise there should not be any regret over my past decisions so I fully take responsibility for the decisions I have made and I have certainly learned from those choices.

After much soul-searching, introspection, self-analysis – whatever it is, I realise that I let other people take over my decisions for me in most cases. I am independent myself – I don’t spend much time following others around, but at the same time I let others influence me very strongly and I make decisions based on everone elses opinions. I’ve followed the flow over the years and it’s not really led me into the best situations but at the same time it’s nice not to know exactly where I’m headed. I like surprise.

What am I trying to achieve? A sense of the unknown, but by taking more initiative and involvement in my own life decisions. Not letting situations and other people influence me so much.
I’m starting to get confused, better stop for now!

I absolutely didn’t want anywhere near me. It wasn’t especially easy, but now I can look at myself in a mirror and not feel bad throw up.

Yikes.

better.