accept myself as I am

Whether it’s what you see in the mirror that you don’t like, or your personality you can’t stand… you won’t be able to live with yourself if you put your inner demons in the backburner, because they won’t let you go, EVER, if you don’t shoot them down as soon as possible.
You can be told a million and one times that “nobody’s perfect” or that you’re “unique in your own way”, but it WILL NOT change your thinking. Someone can dedicate all of their time to try and help you and it will go to waste. Eventually, you’ll just come to realize it, when YOUR specific time comes, why you are the way you are and when that time does come, the rest won’t matter. When you can look at yourself in shallow water and see past the conformist issues everyone worries about, you’ll see yourself. You might even see how much better you are than them.

May it be a physical or emotional discomfort that you have with yourself, mine being mostly physical, you need to realize that it does NOT matter.

Even as I write it, it may sound as if I see myself perfect and I’ve done all this and found myself, but no. I can hear, I can write, I can say it all want, but I’m not there yet.
Lately however, I’ve been taking tiny, tiny, ant-like steps to getting there. And somehow I think that when one of the things I want to desperately do in life, adopt a child, I’ll make a huge, tremendous leap to finding a meaning in life and either accepting myself almost completely or just… not giving a damn about it. Because it won’t be about me anymore.
So I can’t wait for that day. =]

In these last few days I’ve been feeling completely out of sync with the world. Like everyone else is doing the cha cha and I’m moon-walking. The more I try to focus and be in the moment, the heavier this separation feels. I do recognize that I sometimes take what seems like steps back before I move forward in a totally new direction. Maybe this is the backward step before the start of a new adventure.

I hope so.

I was watching Oprah at the gym today, walking on the treadmill to nowhere in particular. The topic was ‘the secret life of hoarders’. And what a home this woman had: clothes, junk and stuff piled six feet high. Nowhere to walk or sit. I wanted to scream “Get out! Run! Burn it down and start over! Arrrhhhhhaaa!” As the show dug deeper into why this woman accumulated all her stuff, I started to see the junk as an accumulation of her pain.

I get this.

I think we’ve all been there where our hearts are aching so badly that we just want it to go away. A shopping spree, a tub of ice cream, anything to make the it stop. I get this.

Even though I’ve never hoarded anything and my house is tidy, I can see how I accumulate emotions and past hurts. The woman on the show did it in an overt way for all to see, I do it covertly in silence. The one thing that stands out as my ‘hoarding’ is: my space. I enjoy spending time with myself, sometimes too much and then I realize that I have to get out and start dancing through life again. And it always happens in cycles: I start to really enjoy doing things on my own, I spend more time on my own, then I look up to see that I am alone, and then I start to make plans with friends. I’d rather it be a balanced way of living with equal time with my friends and myself.

No other way for me to be~

But I also realize there is more I can do. Sharing with WaterFall Nymph has helped me see this~

I got to know myself much better in these past two weeks through my writing and talks with a good friend. It felt like a massive excavation into my core. And inside me is a lot more than I ever expected. Things that made me smile and traits that I use to turn my nose up against when I saw them in others, were all there inside me. I’m honestly seeing all parts of me, in particular the darker parts that I always averted my eyes from. I feel like I’m going into a new phase in my life.

One of the big shockers was my desire for drama. Seeing others play mind games and manipulating each other would make me shake my head with a silent, ‘tisk, tisk’. I thought I was so above it, I don’t need drama! Wrong. I do participate and spin them out in my life, in my own way. Most of the times these dramas play out in my head, but they take up just as much energy as the ones out in the open. Revelations like this are helping me see myself as a whole and understand the causes of what’s happening in my life.

The excavation continues.

i am 16, 5’4”, and i weigh 123 pounds. is this healthy because i need to learn that i am who i am and i keep telling myself that i am fat. am i? HELP

It really has been about accepting the things I thought were unacceptable. I am nice to myself now, instead of saying rude things in my head that I wouldn’t let anyone else get away with. And forgiving myself for mistakes. And loving myself, with all my unique imperfections. Now I focus on my positives and achievements, instead of the negative. It also helps to surround yourself with positive people. Don’t let negative people bring you down! You deserve better!!!!