confront my father

So I finally got up the courage to send my father an email and confront him about the manner in which he left when he walked out on my mother and how he didn’t make an effort to preserve his relationships with his kids. I’ve never told him before how I felt or what it did to me.

I hoped he would respond sympathetically and, at the very least, admit that he had done things wrong with us. Instead, his reply was full of defenses and excuses. He blamed my mom for everything (including my current feelings which, for the record, are entirely MY OWN) He writes as though I have “seen the light” and finally want a relationship when in fact I am trying to get closure on the questions that have bothered me for years. He really, honestly did not seem to see my point of view or how badly hurt I was. He thinks we’re ready to be father and son again, just like that. He doesn’t understand how serious this is or how far I am from that point. I realised how delusional and out-of-touch he must be to think that one email will heal 12 years of neglect!

I still want to reply, but feel overwhelmed by the number of points I need to set him straight on. I am also completely demotivated by the thought that this could degenerate into backwards and forwards nitpicking. I have decided to wait a couple of days before replying so I can work out what is most important, for me personally, to pursue.

...I did it. I can now mark this off my list.

... my biological father lives in North Carolina, one state away from me. I only know this because I found him on the internet, I never met the guy. He had a twisted relationship with my mother and she wanted nothing to do with him. Two years ago I found out I had gallbladder disease, something not common among 20 somethings unless it was genetic, but it certainly never came from my mother’s side. I want to get medical history so badly, but am scared to call. I don’t know how he’ll react, and I don’t know exactly how I’ll react emotionally. I do know that if he were to just hang up on me, I’d go the legal route to get the information, but I don’t want to have to go there. I just need the courage to do it.

waste of time, it was like talking to a brick wall

but it had to happen. I’m glad I did it.

Well my laptop kicked the bucket and with it my letter to my dad. I’ve been thinking since I wrote that letter that it would be a better idea instead of sending it, to talk to him. I just think that it would be better. So now, I’m thinking I need to revisit the letter…write it again and give him a call…wish me luck!

I finally sat down and wrote a letter to my father. It was really hard not to sugar coat things and to be totally frank and honest about the way I felt…but I did it. Now the hard part comes, actually mailing it or reading it to him. He lives 800 miles away from me so I’m either going to have to send it, email it, or read it over the phone. I’m not sure which is worse or which is better. I’m just glad I went this far. Truth is, I found as I wrote the letter I realized one thing….he was human…he makes mistakes….and as I wrote on I realized I was forgiving him. I think that is the key….forgivness.

The best place to start is at the beginning. My father ever since I can remember drank. Looking back I understand what he was doing….like all people who drink to access….forgetting. In the process of forgetting the things he should have been dealing with he forgot how to be a better father. Now I’m not saying he didn’t provide because he did. He went to work every day and worked all kinds of hours BUT….there is much more to being a father than to provide for your family….you have to BE THERE. I watched him verbally abuse my mother and then at the end decided he wanted someone else, this of course after he traded the bottle for the bible and tried to change my mothers and my way of thinking (example: breaking all my mother’s old elvis records that were worth a LOT of money and she charished them). Finally, my mother decided that it was time to go and divorced him… for two reasons that I can think of…she was tired of the abuse and because he decided that her best friend was someone he would rather hang with than his family. Now, he is married and both him and my mother are much happier and I got a great brother out of the deal but I’ve NEVER had this talk with my father. Never told him how it hurt me….never asked why he didn’t own up to it….and how he could live life just thinking what he did was ok without saying he was sorry. Now, I see I’m making some of the same mistakes my mother made….and I know that I need to break this cycle of hurt but should it start with this talk? Would I gain strength from telling him how I feel and letting it go so that I can go on. And why do I think about how dad will react to something whenever I make a decision in my life? ITS MY LIFE! If anyone has any insight on this….please please please let me know!

He might be dead. He lived in Biloxi, Mississippi…a major spot hit my Katrina. The entire area is gone. Hundreds of body bags. I might have lost my chance.

I really hope I haven’t lost my chance.

I can’t go on if I missed my fucking chance…

My father is an alcoholic. He knows how to hide it to work in society though, so he works in a bank which is hard to believe. He is very distant from me and my brothers. I don’t so much mind him being far away from me. However, my brothers are now both teenagerts and he should at least talk to them every now and then. I have seen him around town with his girlfriend(s) and I really do feel sorry for him. But I have not been able to have That Big Talk with him. I know he won’t listen. Still, I need to let him know how we feel.