overcome my re-resurfaced anxiety

in fact i think i may be having some sort of a breakdown. all related to health worries – passed out at work on Monday (yes, i had eaten, no i did not get up too quickly) and been having prolonged dizziness for days now. also burning hands, blurred vision and a bunch of symptoms which all sound to me like MS – have had 2 100% clear brain scans in the last few years – one at the end of 2008, plus an EEG for possible seizures. Now the neuro wants to do a sleep EEG but he can’t fit me in till 25 June. Meanwhile work is impossible cos the screen is making me dizzier than ever. the medication my GP gave me on Monday to relax made me hallucinate which did not help, the herbal stuff i went on to instead at his recommendation is doing nothing. I’ve been crying on and off all week, feeling like i’m going to lose it and the symptoms just get worse with all the stressing.

I know MRI’s don’t always rule out MS but the neurologist is not seeming to think i need more other tests to rule it out completely so he’s persisting with the EEG / seizure thing.

The worst thing at the moment is, i cannot tell what is an anxiety symptom and what is a ‘real’ symptom, and i think i’m going to really lose it. this is not doing my relationship with the X-X or Raph any good.

i am making an appointment with a new specialist who was referred to me, and also, have made one with my counsellor Judy for next week Tuesday.

glad to be alone tonight.

but in the last 2 weeks this is flaring up again. going to email my counsellor tonight and vent a little there. i hate being so consumed with fear. i can feel it getting big again.

of course with the new job starting on Monday my stress levels are high anyhow and i’m not only nervous for the ‘first week’ stuff which i always hate, but for the last 2 years i’ve had this weird ‘symptpm’ where my speech comes out all wrong, it sounds like i’m lisping and i screw up the words i plan to say. i’ve had clear MRI brain scans, full neurological examinations (3 of them) and no one can work out what it is – plus most people seem unable to notice it apart from me – even those people closest to me that i’ve asked over and over if they can’t hear me speaking ‘wrong’. they reckon everyone trips over their tongue and that they can’t notice anything but it gets to the point where i don’t even want to speak to anyone and it really frightens me that there’s something wrong that the doctors have missed. The neurologist said the fact that it comes and goes, and doesn’t get progressivley worse, plus that no one including them can notice, plus the clear scans and tests and examinations showing nothing at all, mean i don’t need to worry but this is how i get. freaked out and irrational.

since my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s last year his speech has gotten really bad and i often think i sound like him.

now of course i’m worried that it affects my ability to work at my new job cos at my old job i hardly ever had to talk to anyone. so i’m already fearing that i will end up having some sort of breakdown and leaving and being unemployed etc etc

ugh
i KNOW this is all crap but knowing it is not enough.

(there go another bunch of subscribers who don’t want to associate with a crazy chick) ;)

i emailed my counsellor and asked to see her again early in the new year. hope she has space.

this sucks. i feel like such a freak.