develop and maintain clarity

It would be inaccurate to say nothing has changed. The fact is, a lot has changed in the past 3 weeks. I’ve found a new clarity that has eluded me for so long. Everything now feels brand new and each day is a blessing.

That does not mean I don’t have my off days. Some people can still tick me off. At times, it’s hard to make sense of things. Bad things still happen to good people. But I have submitted myself to a higher power knowing there is a reason behind everything. And my duty is to be more discerning and not judge the situation from merely a superficial level.

I have closer bonds with my friends. I am no longer envious of my super A-type colleagues. I am still driven but I don’t need to prove it to everyone, just to me and occasionally my boss. Haha.. I feel like I can be kinder and more compassionate. With my son, I am more patient and less likely to give in to his whims just cause I can’t bear to confront him sometimes. I am kinder to my parents even if they still drive me nuts sometimes and I pray for them everyday.

I used to think spiritual faith was over-rated. How I’ve misled myself all these years. But He is all forgiving and merciful and I believe His love comes before His wrath. Truly this Ramadhan has been a big blessing, for me and for those around me.

Is it possible to be unhappy and completely invisible at the same time?

I was at a meeting attended by two old friends. They were more than just friends, they were my mentors. One of them, SP asked me point blank, why did I look so sad. I was thrown aback by her statement but immediately realise that perhaps my head has finally caught up with my heart.

I need to process a few things before I can be completely sure. I know I’m miserable doing what I do. I’m still figuring out if this feeling is fleeting or if it’s a symptom of deeper issues.

SP suggested that I outline the work environment that would make me happy. I remember doing an exercise not too long ago listing the pros and cons of my current work situation. While it made me more objective, it did not make me feel better.

It’s scary that SP and SZ could see it all too clearly. I wonder if I am that transparent. And if I am, why isn’t anyone else asking me the same question.

It’s almost midnight. My son is home and will have one week to go before school breaks for mid-year holidays. We’re kicking it off with a movie date on Wednesday, off to catch the latest installment of Narnia.

I feel better but still somewhat on the verge of tears. I wept quietly as I watched one of the episodes from 8 Simple Rules, the one when the husband just died and the wife read his last article to their children. My son was watching My Girl, the ancient flick with McCaulkin in his cutesy heyday. I had to leave the room when Vada and and her dad talked about how much they miss Vada’s mum. I think I still have unresolved issues but at least I am functional.

I know I’ll feel better tomorrow. The weekday begins again and I will fall into my daily routine effortlessly. What does it say about a woman who finds comfort in the humdrum routines of everyday life? I wished I was more courageous. I wished everyday was an adventure a lot more exciting than figuring out where to go for lunch. But who am I kidding? This is my life, for now.

Being grateful helps. Thankful that I arrived home safely with my son after our 2-hour trip back from his dad’s place. Thankful that my parents are in a good mood. Thankful that I was able to move my spirits and still do my bike workout. Thankful that despite everything that has unraveled albeit in my head in the last 24 hours, I am still keeping it together.

This is who I am. I am uncertain about a lot of things. Yet I soldier on and nobody really knows just how afraid I truly am. How I am scared shitless at the prospect of growing old alone. How I envy my parents or my siblings even as they argue their stupid fights with their spouses. How I wished everyday wasn’t the same as yesterday. How I wished I would feel more alive instead of dying slowly inside.

Those are a lot of wishes I just wrote. Maybe to some they sound wishy-washy and weak. But it takes a lot for me to simply make these wishes. It is not easy for me to even admit these things, even to myself most days. But doing it here helps, a lot more than you know.

Thank you to everyone who has commented kindly and lovingly in my previous post. While loneliness does not make us feel any less lonely, I am one among many, and around here, I am among friends.

Thank you.

..I try my best, I really do, but today I feel so defeated. Today I feel like this is as good as it gets. And it is not the kind of good I’ve always dreamed of. It is not the kind of good I secretly pray for every other night.

I wonder if my parents worry about me. I wonder if they wonder whether I’ll truly be happy ever again. Despite the odds going either way, I put my best face forward everyday. I don’t want my parents to ever worry about me.

But today threw me a curve ball. One that I did not expect. And it plunged me into a spiral of despair. I am still fighting it with everything I have.

I was at a wedding today. A colleague finally married another colleague. They’ve been dating for years and finally, they’ve been blessed with a happy ending.

The people at my table talked about some of the weddings they’ve been to. Someone mentioned that she wished wedding receptions include a chocolate fountain for dipping strawberries. I joked I’ll have one when I get married just to give her that wish, though it might not happen for a long time. She just laughed it off.

It’s silly how simple remarks like these trigger feelings that overcome me in seconds. I guess it does not help when all I do is stay home and live like a hermit. I crave companionship but I know I’m not at my most engaging self right now. I know better to turn to solitude when I’m not even sure if I would laugh or begin crying within the next hour.

I trivialize this and say its hormones. My friend says its futile to deny these things. But I dare not succumb to it, fearing I might not snap out of it.

There are so many things I wish I could say. There are people I could say these things to, but I am struggling to find where I should begin.

We are not meant to deal with loneliness. But sometimes this is all we have. It cloaks us and makes us invisible. It becomes a mask we wear so that others will only see what they want to see. Loneliness is like an old friend who betrayed me today. It caught me by surprise, cause I thought I have passed this. I shouldn’t feel this way anymore. But I do, today I really do. And there’s nothing I can do except wait for this to pass.

I am in a bad place right now, in my head at its most neurotic and depressive.

I detest everything that lands in my Inbox. Each time someone comes to tell me something, I feel like walking away. I just want to bury my head under a pillow. Or run on a treadmill until I’m so tired I can’t stop crying. I hate everything and everyone right now. My chest feels tight and I regret eating that stupid porridge lunch. The meeting earlier filled me with even more dread. A senior manager kept going on and on and on about how his unit is kicking ass, as if I bloody care! Screw this, I’m leaving while there’s still daylight!

..and undermined.

I undermine my ability to be great when I pretend I can remain ahead without putting in the work. I am overwhelmed now by just how badly behind I am, drowning under an ever-growing endeavour list. I have stopped calling it a to-do list coz I can’t possibly get everything done as fast as I need to.

The battle continues..

Don’t look too far ahead
Stay with me
Don’t go where I will not follow
You’ll lose me

Don’t worry about tomorrow
today is far from done
Don’t drown yourself in sorrow
you’re not the only one

For today is all we have
This very minute, the present hour
I am done with living in the future
Let me linger, here in today.

..when one is able to focus on one thing at a time.

Just don’t forget to breathe.

I had a goal on clarity some time back. I realised I need to have it back, I need to work on this, now more than ever.

My break is over and the reality of work and what needs to be done invade every thought in my head. It is so easy to lose my grip on this. I was working on some key issues for next year and it feels as if I’m peering at the edge of a bottomless abyss. The more I think about it, the more holes I see where my plan is concerned. I wish it could be simple but simplicity comes with a cost. That cost is hours of research and reading, analysis and endless brainstorming. Or am I making this harder that it needs to be?

Even as I crave for simplicity and fluid thinking, I worry that I’m over-simplifying it too much. I do not want to come across as half-baked or superficial. This is too important for me to bluff my way through it. Heck.. bluffing has never been my style, and I am not about to start now.

So, I remain glued to this seat. Going through my slides again and again. It feels as if I’m becoming myopic. I need a break, I need to step away and let this simmer for a bit. I hope by then, clarity will grace my consciousness and this won’t seem like such a gargantuan undertaking.