write my story about my struggles with nerve injuries and being a musician

A few friends have been insensitive toward my arm concerns. While I don’t want to be coddled, I want people who really understand where I’m coming from and can empathize and I having trouble finding that. I’m probably more likely to find it among my musician friends.

The friend I wrote about a few entries ago who’s been more or less using our friendship exclusively to vent about her relationship concerns has been especially insensitive. She more or less told me to stop whining and get over it. In a moment of fear and vulnerability she told me to “calm down jack ass”. She tried to tell me that I was a hypochondriac and the last three items on my list of possible issues behind the numbness (in my last entry) were impossible because she claimed that arm/hand numbness were only a result of a pinched nerve in the arm. She acts like a know-it-all on medical and psychological issues when she often doesn’t know what she’s talking about it. It was just her whole tone and approach that bothered me. And then right after telling me I was being stupid about this she goes into blabbing about her relationship again. And normally I’d listen like a sucker but her concerns were really inane. I mean she just had a wonderful weekend with her g/f and she’s been apart one day and is blathering on about how she misses her. And that was all she was saying when she was talking to me. It was very tempting to tell her to get over it but I’m not one to do that, even though it is annoying and insensitive and even though she dismissed my own feelings and concerns countless times. With each interaction with this girl, my patience is wearing thin

Then there are people who try to simplify the problem:

One person told me to not worry about it, thank happy thoughts and keep smiling and it will soon pass away. While she meant well I find that almost comical even if there is a tiny bit of truth in what she’s saying. If there was a miracle cure where you could smile away carpal tunnel and all those nerve injuries, I’d have a smile glued on my face 24/7. I almost wish that was such a cure.

Then there was another who suggested that due to my arm troubles I find another calling besides music and I totally went off on him for that. I’ve been there and done that and I came back for a reason. I totally argued passionately about music with that. I know he meant well but I stand up for certain values like that.

Here’s that little interaction

Me (5:36:27 PM): this is a really scary time for me. I’m afraid I’ll lose my ability to play eventually and I’d be losing something that means so much to me.
…
Me (5:41:00 PM): ok look…you like sex right? I’m trying to find something comparable for my love for music, but I don’t know if this is a good example. how would you feel if you were slowly and almost irreversibly losing your ability to have good sex and there was very little you could do about it?
Friend (5:41:36 PM): haha.. its not a huge part of me.
Me (5:41:43 PM): well what is a huge part of you?
Me (5:41:54 PM): imagine that…
Friend (5:42:01 PM): ideas, i guess
Me (5:42:04 PM): that’s how I feel.
Me (5:43:03 PM): I don’t know if you could slowly lose your ability to think…but what if you were slowly getting retardation or something…
Friend (5:43:10 PM): look, you are more than a music playing robot. you are a human being. LIVE!
Me (5:43:23 PM): imagine you find something you love, a calling
Me (5:43:26 PM): brb
Me (5:45:47 PM): you know what you last said could be seen as insulting, I know you didn’t mean it that way or at least i hope so I’m choosing not to take it that way.
Me (5:46:16 PM): I know I’m not a music playing robot…but all the emotions and joy and love an ecstasy I feel when I play…
Me (5:46:35 PM): the synergy and powerful connection I feel when I play chamber music or a duet.
Friend (5:47:06 PM): well, i used to be involved in performing arts. i felt like I was becoming an empty shell, a replaceable nonhuman robot.
Me (5:47:24 PM): the wide range of emotion I capture and recreate and experience when I make music…
Me (5:47:30 PM): it’s this I am losing.
Me (5:47:34 PM): it’s a passion.
Me (5:47:38 PM): I don’t feel this way
Me (5:47:41 PM): I used to. But it was more in the sense of feeling replaceable, and that only came when my first arm went numb.
Me (5:47:59 PM): but music is so much more than playing a part and filling a physical role.
Me (5:48:55 PM): for me performing is a passion, a soul connection.
Me (5:49:43 PM): I guess you could say I’m in love with music, not just hearing it and experiencing it as a human being which is an important part, but being a part of it…being involved and creating it.
Me (5:49:46 PM): I’m in love with that.
Friend (5:50:52 PM): we weren’t meant to just do one thing with our bodies.
Friend (5:51:12 PM): if you vary your activity, you may feal better.
Friend (5:51:20 PM): *feel
Me (5:51:35 PM): and if I lose my ability to play, it will be like losing someone I love extremely deeply…but remember how I said that in some cases of love, you feel the other person has a part of you? well that part of me would die with them.
Me (5:52:01 PM): that’s why this arm thing is so troublesome to me.
Me (5:53:35 PM): and to be a professional musician I need to practice a lot; it’s a lot of competition, but I’m doing it for my love of it, not the competition
Me (5:53:46 PM): when you find your calling you don’t want to turn back.
Friend (5:54:17 PM): is it your calling indeed?
Me (5:54:30 PM): I tried searching for another calling the first time I had an issue with numbness…THAT was when I felt like I an empty shell. Nothing else felt quite the same
Friend (5:54:43 PM): what about psychology?
Me (5:54:57 PM): empty shell, it didn’t really move me like music does
Me (5:55:02 PM): it was more of an interest. A strong interest though. But that’s not the same thing as a passion
Me (5:55:11 PM): but in an air sort of way
Me (5:55:24 PM): there was no fire behind it
Me (5:55:27 PM): no passion
Friend (5:55:34 PM): interesting
Friend (5:55:59 PM): what about theater, movie making?
Me (5:56:51 PM): look, I’ve spent years practicing and I’ve dabbled in all the other arts, and while I appreciate them I know music is what lights up my heart and soul
Me (5:57:02 PM): it’s my inner fire….I just know it
Friend (5:57:09 PM): alright
Me (5:58:53 PM): and for me, if there’s no passion behind what I do, I know it’s probably not what i’m meant to be doing

All I want for Christmas are 2 new pairs of arms without any pain or damage. Since there’s no way I can get that gift (unless there are any volunteers here totally jk) I’ll just vent about the ones I have instead.

I talked to my friend in med school about my left hand issues and at this point, my numbness can be a number of things. Here are the known possibilities:

- cubital tunnel syndrome and an inflamed tendon at the root of my thumb (this one has pretty much been ruled out because my thumb pain is gone but not the numbness in my 1st 3 fingers…so the numbness in those fingers is being caused by something else)
- cubital tunnel syndrome and carpal tunnel (not very likely that both would happen at the same time and start happening at the same time)
- Thoracic outlet syndrome (my friend said at this point it would be mild if this was the case)
- compressed nerve somewhere else in my spine.(he mentioned the possibility of the dorsal root being compressed…I have no clue what any of this nerve talk means, only that it makes my arm numb )
- MS (an unlikely possibility…but it’s scary because at this point it’s still a possibility and it’s scary because my mom has it)

So I’m waiting for my renewed insurance forms to go through (sent them in on Sunday) and then once that happens I’m going to a doctor to see what this is. It’s been a scary weekend here. I haven’t practiced since my jury, I’ve cried myself to sleep a few nights (when I was actually able to sleep and not being kept up by worry) and my mood has been darker and less optimistic. The mood thing has been carrying into other areas of my life. When I got cubital tunnel it carried into my sense of self-worth, and a lot of it was due to the danger my music career was put in by this. The self-worth issues strangely carried into other areas of my life such as friendships and relationships. Last time, I also had bully problems in a music class and a lot of it was related to my loss of agility due to my nerve problem, so it was all intertwined and it makes sense that I had self-worth issues. But I’m noticing them again now and I don’t have that external stress that I had last time, in fact I think I have a more supportive network. I think it’s just the whole risk of losing my ability to continue doing music, which is something I’m very passionate about. This feels cruel, especially after recently getting in touch with my love for music.

I’ve been taking a few days off from music and I miss it already. I hope I won’t have to take many more off.

This is a different kind of numbness…

My hands and forearms have been aching a lot this week and there’s been some strange things happening this week. I know I shouldn’t be typing this now but i’m scared and I need to get it out here’s all the arm related things that have been happening:

Monday: banged my right elbow against the piano really hard (probably banged my funny bone) in my practice…noticed a little pain throughout my arm that day in my practice but nothing unusual

Tuesday: did tons of typing and some practicing… noticed the cubital tunnel pain intensifying a bit, also noticed mild pain in both wrists… at night my thumb and first finger of my right hand had this throbbing pain, probably that was the most intense pain of the day

Wednesday: everything that ached tuesday ached wednesday. Took off a day of practicing, still did more typing than I should have

Thursday: played for 6 hours that day because of my lesson, my practice, chamber music and an extra rehearsal. I had a stressful little thing happen in my lesson and I tensed up big time, I noticed weakness and a little lack of control in my hand during the fast passages of the Mozart. and noticed the pain most during my lesson (the 2nd hour of my 6 hours) and my solo rehearsal (at the end of my 6 hours of playing) T’was painful. The normal cubital stuff was there and also the wrist and thumb issues in my right hand. The and thumb/first finger pain had no numbness associated with it. I talked to my doctor/musician friend and he said it might be de quervain’s tenosynovitis, which is a tendon issue and is not as scary as cubital but sometimes may be more painful. Did some typing but not as much this day.

Friday: Played my jury (my final for my private music lessons) The thumb and wrist stuff was the most noticable today but today wasn’t as bad as wednesday or thursday pain wise. It was managable even though I the pain I felt was probably not good. The pain got a bit worse at night. I also noticed that the left side of my left hand (down to my elbow) had a weird warm sensation…this bothered me a bit because it was the cubital tunnel numbness area and I had a feeling it might be coming on in my left hand too which would suck

Saturday: woke up and my left side of my left hand was numb in that warm area last night . The numbness was the first thing I noticed with the cubital tunnel in my right hand so I was freaking out a bit. My left hand was doing all kinds of weird things today. The numbness in that side of the hand was present all day, it was dull most of the time but became intense in the evening. I thought it was just cubital tunnel again in that arm, but there were a few strange things that happened later that day. In addition to that, opening candy wrappers and packages and containers was difficult and there was some pain in the left wrist when I did it. I’ve noticed this pain in the center of my wrist when I press my thumb tip against my middle finger tip or my 4th fingertip, and it was also intense when put my thumb over my first finger and pressed down. I get this when opening wrappers and doors. That pain also shoots down to my mid-forearm on the palm side. There was also a cold sensation going down my elbow which comes and goes but is not as noticeable as the other stuff. That evening, every finger in my hand went numb, my whole hand was numb from my wrist up. That freaked me out. I was wondering if it was carpal and cubital combined, but the progressiveness of the numbness was suspicious. I still don’t know what it is but I’m going to a doctor tomorrow. There’s also been pain from my wrist to my elbow and lately it’s been shooting up past the elbow.

I haven’t been sleeping well this week and I had an aching pain in my shoulder early in the week. It was also cold so that could be why this is acting up. But i’m scared about this left hand stuff, I really do not want another RSI that could interfere with my music. Especially since i know this is my passion. How long will my dream have to be deferred due to this? I feel like my arms are all breaking down. I was hopeful last year when it seemed my problems had vanished or at least remained dormant. But ever since it started to get colder this year and ever since i decided to become serious about music and practice like I used to before my first cubital episode, things have been going down hill a bit. I’m scared… i want to put this all behind me… I don’t know what this left hand crap is but it’s going to add to my issues and my fears.

My friends here don’t really know what’s going on with me in this regard so I thought I’d repost some journal entries from my livejournal to share what’s going on.

(this was written November 23rd)
I just joined a community for injured musicians so happy to be there. The first time my cubital tunnel syndrome symptoms became intense and started meddling with my music activities I felt so scared and alone. Lately they’ve been surfacing a little again. I’m still scared but I know I’m not alone this time. It was so nice to find a community for this. I read this one emotional entry written by this flute player and the feelings and frustration and helplessness sounded so much like my own. I was nearly in tears after reading some of the older entries in this community. Finally…people who understood how frustrating and frightful this issue was. In addition to that, there are more people who understand in my non-online life too. The flute player from my quintet had a similar problem with her shoulder and she took a year off but is determined to follow her passion and pursue music. She doesn’t know it, but her entry on myspace really inspired me and was one of the factors that lead me to question my own path in music.

In any case, I wrote about my journey through cubital tunnel/music in the community and I’m reposting here. Some of my old readers know the story through my old entries but I weaved into a more fluid story here. I’m so glad I rose above this and rekindled my passion.

Anyway, I’m new here. I play oboe and English horn and I recently decided to pursue music again. Here’s my story:
I was practicing English horn one day about 2 years ago and noticed that my pinkey and half of my ring finger went numb and it was so numb that it was difficult to move those fingers. I freaked out and stopped I took a few days off hoping it would go away. But then it didn’t and I found out it was cubital tunnel syndrome. I wasn’t as proactive in seeking treatment as I should have been. I went to one doctor and they told me to either stop playing for awhile or to take it easy. Since I had a recital and a demanding 1st oboe part in orchestra, I settled for taking it easy (or rather toughing it out), but this was difficult and miserable for me. Music is my life and I enjoyed practicing so much and I really missed doing more of it and I was depressed that I couldn’t practice as much as I needed to. I ended up moving my recital back a month and focusing my practice time on my orchestra music, which I was struggling with because it was very technical.

I became depressed, scared and helpless in orchestra because I wasn’t sounding as good as I wanted to and I was losing my agility. In addition to that, I was having a musical bully problem in orchestra. There was this ultra critical clarinet player who made rude comments about my playing whenever my technique faltered. She would also tell me, and everyone else who would listen that I shouldn’t be a musician and that my playing was dragging the whole orchestra. I already felt terrible for not playing up to my full potential and helpless because I couldn’t practice like I used to. This person even had the nerve to outside my practice room and loudly criticized my practicing to another person, or would criticize the fact that I was taking a break. This bullying was a constant thing and with my arm injury I was especially sensitive about this and I really did fear I had no future in music.

I’m ashamed to write this, but I dreaded going to orchestra to the point that I had trouble waking up for class and overslept a good handful of rehearsals. (I’m usually very responsible so this was way out of character for me.) Of course this caused a great deal of problems and a lot of people got upset and the bully problem intensified. I managed to play a very good concert but I was moved to 2nd oboe for the next concert (she was actually pining after my solos for the first concert and probably saw this as a great opportunity) and I felt very replaceable and started thinking of my injury in that light.
Here’s a little quote from an old journal entry the expresses my sentiments: “I feel like a broken glass right now in regards to music. I just realized that I am so replaceable. In real life, if a glass cracks or breaks, you throw it away and buy a new one. That could be me if things don’t get better. Its already starting…”

I also had to lay off my class piano that year because it became too strenuous.
At the end of the semester, my symptoms started to fade and I played my recital well.
But I continued to take it easy with my music because I was afraid of a relapse. Music was my main passion and my goal was to be a professional oboist but by the end of the semester this dream began to fade. I lost my drive when I wasn’t practicing as much as I wanted to as well. I started searching for other passions and tried to find another calling. I discovered and developed an interest psychology and for about a year I was totally lost in regards to my career. Aside from a bit of numbness here and there, my hand problem remained dormant and I was afraid of aggravating it by over practicing, so I continued to take it easy. Around February of last year I discovered expressive arts therapy and decided to pursue that after taking a semester to a year off to get my life in order for that. Even though I believed it was a good cause and I enjoyed a good handful of things about this field, I wasn’t passionate about it like I am with music and didn’t take a very active role in pursuing grad school for this. I didn’t feel much drive either.

I graduated with a BM in music performance but I was planning on going into expressive arts therapy. Now I’m currently in the middle of my year off and in addition to I’ve been taking a chamber music class, lessons and orchestra at a different local program. I’ve been practicing more and I’ve been rekindling my passion for music which is going strong now. So strong that I’m determined to go back into music because this is my passion and I’m driven to play and I’m going to do what I love. Lately I’ve started to practice more intensely. I also have been playing more English horn, which is something I haven’t done much of when the arm problem was dormant.

Unfortunately I’ve started to notice the pain come back, especially when I play English horn. This time I plan on being way more proactive in my treatment. The first time the injury was active, the most helpful thing for me was changing my posture and changing my daily activities so it put less strain on my arm. I also did yoga, wore an arm-brace to sleep and took vitamin B6. Those were all helpful and I’m going to try to do more of those activities, but I’d like to do more, I’m currently looking into more ergonomic ways to play English horn and I found this neat floor peg that takes the weight off your arm/neck.

Anyway, that’s my introduction. I’m so glad to be here and I don’t feel so alone in all of this now. When this issue first surfaced I had practically zero support. Even my musician friends didn’t understand how scary this was for me. Though things have improved since, it’s still nice to read and chat with people who understand.