Disclose 43 things about myself

I can’t remember ever doing that before. :) Even when I was in my best shape.

I have struggled with suicidal thoughts (and sometimes more) almost as long as I’ve known it was an option, but things are looking up.

In the parking lot at Target today, I saw a syringe. I thought of an episode of House recently where a patient tried to kill himself by injecting air into his bloodstream. I paused, but I didn’t pick it up. I kept walking. Then I found a dime. A little cosmic reward? ;)

So this guy I went on a handful of dates with….I broke up with him around a month ago, and I tried to do it as humanely as possible, but he wasn’t satisfied with the gentle version of the truth I gave him about why I didn’t want to see him anymore. He BEGGED repeatedly for me to tell him the “real” reason I dumped him, so I relented and told him in detail all the things he’d done, as we were getting to know eachother, that made me decide I didn’t want to keep getting to know him. THEN he sends me an angry, defensive, insulting message, calling me broken and cold. Yes. It is impossible that I just…did…not…like…him, it must be because I am screwed up. Awesome.

blue-black, and for the moment, I am enamoured with myself. :)

Maybe a comet? An exploding satellite? I don’t know. I was driving home from work and saw a BIG orange light in the sky that slowly faded away, I mean it took a solid two minutes to fade. Any idea what it was, people?

That’s right: bow down, mortals. I got to talk to George Lowe for a couple of minutes at a con. He autographed something, even drew me a little picture. :) When I walked by his table a few minutes later he remembered me and said “Bye, Julie!” Thought I would die from joy.

Seriously! But he’s paying for it. Even if I had the cash I’m not sure I would shell it out solely on the chance that I might hit it off with someone…I’d plan a vacation and work meeting them into it, but wouldn’t base a whole trip on how that went.

I know, I hear you: he could be an axe murderer, but I’m depressed anyway, so big deal. Chances are he’s just a nice lonely guy. Wish me luck, eh?

UPDATE: this never happened. He chickened out. Probably for the best.

I had been told I was. It seemed easy enough to win most people over.

Then, abruptly, I stopped compelling anyone. It felt like dying. I felt like a ghost, unable to interact.

I don’t know what changed.

I’m too old, fat and poor, but I’m doing it anyway.

When I was a little girl, my parents discouraged me from dreaming at every opportunity. They wanted me to understand that life can be painful and disappointing. They tried to spare me pain, I think, but it hurts, growing up stunted and hobbled. My goal in life was to be a waitress. Can’t get much more practical than that. Well, I achieved that goal, and floundered around for a long time without something else to reach for. I had to dig deep to unbury my oldest, most cherished dream, the one I could barely admit to myself. I tried to make a little go of it a couple years ago and faced some setbacks. Now I’m dusting myself off and trying again. My parents are gone and I miss them so sorely, despite their lack of encouragement. I am doing this, in part, for them.

UPDATE: dream is shelved again. Preoccupied with something (okay…honestly someONE) else.

Not screaming, just yelling. I take my frustration out on them (verbally) and then I apologize. I’m a terrible mom.