Despite the fact that I was too stoned to yoga, it up today. I have been going rather fatefully and, in time, I will be THE baddest yoga babe of all time. And FYI – I can already put my leg behind my head so beat that! 4 years ago

Things are so hectic right now that I am working hard on honing my yoga babe presence off the mat. A random list:

1)Big work deadlines including one this week that I just won’t make.

2) Huge layoffs in the industry, every industry I guess. So close to the holidays. Makes me anxious, but also sad.

3) Realization that my husband is doing absolutely everything he can do to support me at home: weekend cooking, early morning point person with our daughter. Yesterday, he mopped and vacuumed and did laundry and put up the tree.

I am grateful, but I was also sad because I could see he was exhausted and hadn’t had a ton of down time.

Funny, I work myself to the bone—up at 4:30 some days, in bed at 11 p.m. a lot of days. But I don’t like to see that overworking mirrored in the ones I love.

To tie it back to yoga, it reminds me that last week in class, our teacher said sivasana, or the final relaxation, is the most important pose of all.

Here’s hoping for rest, and downtime, and peace of mind * for my family and yours * this holiday season. 4 years ago

Went to a yoga class this week for the first time in almost a month. Every part of my body and more importantly my mind and dare I say, soul, was craving it.

Work has been so hectic—hence my absence from 43T. When I come home, I try really hard to be focused and present with my husband and little girl. I’ve been sorely missing the me time.

Anne Sexton once said, put your ear down next to your soul and listen hard.

That’s what I felt I did in yoga this week. Started listening again. 4 years ago

I didn’t feel like going to yoga today. 1) Spent all morning in meetings. 2) The class is challenging 3) Feeling more than slightly overwhelmed by all that’s on my plate.

But I came to the very simple conclusion that I will never be a yoga babe if I don’t practice yoga. So I went and it was great. I muddled through the tough parts and the parts that are easier for me (standing poses as opposed to vinyasa series) felt really nice.

In other news, my little girl is teething and wailing like a wounded animal which just about breaks my heart. I’m appreciating my husband for meeting me half way especially after a girl’s getaway weekend when it became clear how many guys I know are really dropping the ball. I’d like my husband to take the ball and run with it like Peyton Manning. But I’ll take half way.

And I guess that’s about it. It’s been a strange year. Strange and sad. It reminds me of the first line of the Bell Jar… “It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the Rosenbergs and I didn’t know what I was doing in New York.”

Which is not to say I’m feeling Sylvia Plath-ish. It’s just that, for me, it has been a sad and sulky year (as opposed to queer and sultry.) And I think that I’m making my way through it. And without yoga, even only once a week, it would’ve been a lot tougher.

P.S. I did a lot of child’s pose today in yoga, when I was tired and couldn’t keep up with the vinyasa. It’s very humbling. For me, like admitting that I’m not as good as the rest of the class. (Though my yoga teacher would hate to hear talk of “good” and “bad”—it’s 43 things and I can be honest, right?)

But tonight, when I was putting the bambina to bed instead of singing her a song, I told her about my day and I told her that I went to yoga so I can be a better Mom, a better friend, a better partner to my husband, a better friend to myself. And she took the bottle out of her mouth and smiled at me. Which has got to be the best child’s pose ever. 4 years ago

There’s a 45 minute lunchtime yoga class about 2 blocks away from my office. I went my very first day at work, but haven’t been back since. Went today and was so happy.

It was a vinyasa class and a little challenging for me, and there was a point in the class when I thought, “Why did I come? It’s so stressful to get away from the office. This class is so hard. I’m still nowhere near being super bendy girl.” But I did it. And I’d love, in an ideal world, to begin every week with a Monday lunchtime yoga class.

But I’m not even worried about routines. I’m just getting it in where I can fit it in. And today was a good one. 4 years ago

So the class i was planing on taking got canceled but no worrys i will become a yoga babe.. eventually. 4 years ago

Had a really great talk today with one of my mentors. Was explaining that a rift I’m having with a close friend was tearing me apart and I keep replaying our “fight” over and over again.

It’s something I do all the time when I’m stressed and sad, I just play the movie over and over again in my head.

He said that I shouldn’t expect not to play the movies in my head. In some ways, it’s human nature. What I can do is give myself a signal to get up and exit the movie theater.

I like to draw so my plan is to keep a little sketch book and that by making the break from obsessing/movie watching to doing a quick sketch, I can make a practice of not dwelling.

I thought it was such, such good advice. So tomorrow, I am getting up early to go to yoga before work and I am dedicating my practice to him. 4 years ago

After a week on vacation (and a week of recovery), I’m ready to get back on the mat! On tap for tonight: Power Yoga with “Yoga Cyborg” Rodney Yee. (That’s just my personal pet name for him. No actual human should be able to do the things that guy does.) 4 years ago

The computer at sign in reports that I hadn’t been there in nearly two months. I’ve taken a few classes at another studio and done some on the road, but caramba.

Still I got up at 5 am to be there, begged my husband to take the bambina to his folks so I could have the early morning and then went to a 6:15 am class.

It was hard. And hot as promised. But I feel good. And happy and lucky that husband was so supportive. Busy week ahead and I wanted to start it on the mat! 4 years ago

Went to yoga class on Sunday evening, even though my favorite thing to do on Sunday is laze around with my husband and little one and do absolutely nothing at all.

But I thought I’ll never be a yoga babe unless I take some steps toward my goal, so I went and it was lovely.

Sometimes the hardest part of being in a yoga class is the intensity of the emotions in the room. Sometimes I feel like that Feist song, “I feel it all.” I feel the competitiveness of the too thin girls with body issues and I feel the rigidity of the middle aged left wing women who were hippies and are sorely disappointed with the world and are certain to be the first one to lean on the horn when we get to the parking lot and it’s all backed up.

I feel my own loneliness and sadness of losing my brother this past winter in a car accident and from the snippets of before class conversation, I know that other people are dealing with loss too—aging parents, miscarriages, failed marriages.

There are moments in class when I feel it all and I think what could be more sad than a bunch of problem laden Americans chanting and trying to do this thousand year old Eastern practice.

Except I think the really important part is that we try.

In her Nobel Laureate speech Toni Morrison said, we die—that may be the meaning of life, but we do language, that may be the measure of life.

As I manage my ongoing grief about my brother, balance the weight of it against the other sadnesses I’ve overcome in my life, growing up in poverty, having an abusive father, I feel that yoga is a cornerstone of my wellness.

To paraphrase Toni Morrison, I cannot avoid death—that may be the meaning of life, but I do yoga, which is, if not the measure, then certainly the foundation of my effort to live a healthy and positive life. 4 years ago

Boy, am I creaky. It was slightly terrifying, since I’m pretty challenged even when I’m going on a regular basis.

It was a beginner’s class but I was still sweating bullets and I don’t think it was just the lack of AC.

But I’m glad I went. Met up with my baby and my guy and I felt like it makes me a better Mom, it makes me a better wife. And it makes me a better me because I’m calmer and more in touch with what I really feel.

Taking the beginner’s class was also a good reminder to me that when in doubt, I can always begin at the beginnning. 4 years ago

Staying at this lovely hotel, room with a terrace, and had this idea that I’d get up and do yoga everyday before breakfast seminars at 7 am. Only two obstacles. 1) It’s rained every day so terrace is soaking wet. 2) We get in every night around midnight and then by the time I call home, do a little work and get to bed, it’s 2 am and I’m up at 5 (or 6 and scrambling.)

So my compromise is that I’m doing three sun salutations every morning. Looking out at wet terrace. Imagining the yoga babe I’ll be one day.

Meaning, one day, I’ll do yoga every day. Some day the simplest poses will flow more easily—if I could only get my leg to pull forward from downward dog to lunge without looking like I’m some reject from “So You Think You Can Dance.”

I read an article yesterday about a woman who says she practices yoga with the goal of achieving nirvana. My goals are much less lofty. I just want to be able to do a vinyasa series with some degree of confidence and grace. I’d like to incorporate the peace I feel in a great yoga class into my daily life. I want to be able to do headstand. And if pressed, I wouldn’t mind those little yoga biceps and a tight yoga tush. Sounds like nirvana to me. 4 years ago

I’ve been away from 43things for a week, but it feels like forever.

I don’t have a lot of cheers to give, due to inactivity, but I’ll dole out everything I get, all weekend long.

Working a lot this week, didn’t do any yoga. But I’ve been practicing daily metta, or loving kindness
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metta)

Trying to practice metta has been very interesting, it means that even though it’s been a gonzo week with my days starting at 6:30 am and ending anywhere between 12:30 and 2:30 am, I didn’t beat myself up for all that I couldn’t do: yoga, thank you cards, a favor I’d promised my Mom. I just got up every morning, exhausted, looked in the mirror and thought, you know what, I’m doing great. I’m really proud of myself for doing the work and getting the job done.

This kind of complimenting of my self happens about as often as a solar eclipse.

And when people were acting out at work, as they often do when it’s such a stressed out short term project, I tried to show them a little metta too.

As the next couple of months are super super busy, I want to keep up the metta of being gentle with myself, but at the same time I know I need a kick in the pants.

For example, yesterday. I had to drive four hours to a conference. Got to bed the night before at 1, woke up at 5, typed up notes, in the car at 6. Exhausted. Left the perfectly good orange in the fridge and then as I started to feel sleepy on the road, pulled into a gas station and had a giant Red Bull and some Ho-Ho’s. At 6:30 in the morning!

I’ve got to do better. I want to cut myself some slack. But I think that in the long term, eating well and making time for even a little yoga, during this whirlwind work period is a way of being gentle with myself. I think maybe putting my physical and emotional health on a back burner, even though work is a really, really good excuse, isn’t showing myself much metta or loving kindness at all. 4 years ago

Last night, I was so so raw about my brother. I feel so vulnerable having written it down, but I’m glad to see that entry here—evidence, I think, of feelings I try to hold back.

This morning, I got up and went to yoga. My first class in over a week. Driving there, I thought about my brother’s car accident. What if I got hit and my car exploded, the way his did?

I knew that God forbid something terrible happened to me, what I’d want most for my family, my husband, my daughter, my parents, my friends, is for them to be able to heal and move on, to enjoy life for the gift it is.

If it’s what I’d want, it’s what my brother would want. I’m not there yet, but I’m trying.

The picture I’m posting today is of child’s pose, which to me is all about humility, but it’s also about rest—sometimes, good enough is good enough. Which is where I’m at right now. 5 years ago

So I meant to set my personal challenge to be once again, for the third time in a row, “Clear Clutter, Especially My Junky Office.”

But by accident, I set it to be a “Total Yoga Babe.”

I was really bummed out because I see yoga babe as a long term challenge, not a timed thing. But then I realized, you know what? Maybe I need yoga more now than I need a tidy office and cupboards. Maybe my subsconscious was trying to tell me something. And I kind of love it. So I’m stepping up my game and committing to a short daily practice for the month of June.

Scary, but fabulous. Pool image, because that’s how a really good yoga session makes me feel: beachy, summery, challenging but mellow laps. 5 years ago

So I just signed up for yoga classes next month. Can’t wait to see how they go. 5 years ago

Today I participated in a giant yoga class (600 people!) in support of breast cancer survivors and research. The day started off shaky, I was running late to meet my friends, I felt totally stressed because I had to work this afternoon and I was afraid I was squeezing too much in, but once I got there—and felt the magnitude of the event, I was really moved. And the teacher was so awesome. Her studio’s not super close to my house, but I’ll definitely drive to take a class with her again. My grandmother died of breast cancer and I think about her so often. She was the proverbial rock in our family and helped so many people. She was like the definition of that parable, stone soup. She never had much but somehow the more she gave, the more she had to give.

I’ve been feeling a little low this week, not supported in my work, competitive and losing the competition, Jill of all trades, master of none.

But on Friday, I spent a few hours doing volunteer work with an awesome and inspiring woman. Then yesterday, I bought tickets and went to the museum with my husband and baby. Then today yoga. And overall, I’m feeling much, much better.

Marian Wright Edelman said that service is the rent we pay for living. It’s one of my guiding principles. But this weekend, I discovered that it can be even more—it can be the antidote for listlessness and too much self-involvement.

This image is from the “Feel Your Boobies” breast cancer awareness campaign. So I’m putting it up there for all my 43Things gal pals. Wishing you good health and a great week. 5 years ago

Because we’ve been working on the house the past couple of weekends, I haven’t gone to my ashtanga class, and I’ve been sick, so I haven’t been practicing at home for two weeks either. After work on Tuesday, I decided it was time to get my butt in gear again and did the Power Yoga DVD. Wow. I can’t believe how quickly my body falls out of routine. I made it all the way through the series (with the exceptions of half-moon pose and warrior III, because I was so wobbly I was afraid of taking a header into my drum kit), but I could absolutely tell it had been 2 weeks. =^( 5 years ago

Went to hot yoga for the third time in the past two weeks today. Pouring rain here and if I hadn’t arranged to meet a friend for a lunch time class, would’ve never made it there. So it was a smart move.

Class was hard, hard, hard. But teacher was wonderful, wonderful. Really muscular bald guy with all kinds of tattoos and a true gift of gab. His talking, and telling stories, helped me work through the toughness.

He said that the 90 minutes we spend on the mat, enables us to do yoga for the other 22 and 1/2 hours in the day—when we show compassion, patience and acceptance to the car that cuts us off, the boss who doesn’t appreciate us, etc.

For me, the off the mat practice was managing my baby girl who was a handful today. And my guy who kind of dropped the ball on Mother’s Day in a way that really, really hurt my feelings.

My cool tattoo teacher also said that all the discomfort we feel in the heat, in trying to get into the poses, goes away if we don’t go away. Meaning if we keep coming to class, keep giving yoga everything we’ve got.

Which I guess is the ultimate metaphor for life. If we keep showing up, then the hard stuff doesn’t exactly go away, but we can get more flexible, more fluid, more yoga like in our life as we are in our poses.

Something like that. I’m not as Zen as tattoo guy. So I may not be able to explain it, but I got a lot out of it.

Namaste, everyone. 5 years ago

On Monday, I went to a hot yoga class. I tried it once about six years ago. It was nearly an hour’s drive away from where I lived at the time and while the class was indeed the promised sweltering 108 degrees, I left feeling decidedly lukewarm about the whole thing.

This new place is about a 15 minute walk from my house and was recommended by a friend. I went to a 6:00 am class, which was tough but great. I liked the feeling of being an absolute beginner and the way, at least in this class, the emphasis was on holding poses and sweating through it.

Sometimes, I feel like I can go through a series like sun salutation and never really get parts of it because I don’t practice enough to ever overcome the challenging bits. In this hot yoga class, I can see how I can, over time, really master the poses that are taught.

It was a little startling to do yoga in front of a mirror. My post pregnancy body is kinda like a post war zone. But like my friend T. always says, “It is what it is.” Maybe the benefits of hot yoga won’t be simply physical, being forced to look in the mirror and show myself some tenderness could be good for me.

So I’m in. Will try to go again on Sunday.

My goal for May is hot yoga twice a week and Anusara class once a week. If I can manage that, I think I’ll be well on my way to being a yoga babe. 5 years ago

I’ve read in several different places that yoga (and pilates) can actually lengthen your spine, essentially making you taller, and I always kind of thought this was one of those wild claims made by the “yoga cures all” crowd. But then I was rubbing the nape of my neck this week and realized I could actually feel the spaces between my vertabrae. Weird! 5 years ago

The ashtanga class must be doing great things for me. Chris (a.k.a. Scrooge) actually told me he wants me to keep going to classes after the punch card Mom bought for me is finished. It’s $60 for a 5-class card, which doesn’t sound like much, but when you’re trying desperately to pay off your debt, it makes a huge difference. So I figure the class must be something good for me. =^) 5 years ago

Last night, I made it all the way through the hour-long “Power Yoga” DVD. I still think Rodney Yee is a yoga cyborg, and I’m nowhere near as fluid and freakishly strong as he is, but it was a great little ego boost (very un-yoga-like, I know) to be able to stick with through the whole thing. Also, I was incredibly limber for my run this morning, which was awesome. I did a few downward dogs to warm up, but my hamstrings were already nice and stretched. What an amazing feeling!

So I met my goal of practicing at home at least once this week. Next week, I’m shooting for two home sessions (Tues & Thurs) in addition to tomorrow morning’s ashtanga class. 5 years ago

I went to the ashtanga class again Saturday, and I’m so glad I finally decided to start dragging my lazy butt out of bed for this. I feel so much better after I go – energized, balanced, ready for the day.

My goal for the week is to practice at least once at home in addition to class. I love how limber it keeps me between running days, and ultimately, I’d like to practice both Tuesdays and Thursdays at home, but I’m going to start by adding just one more day to my routine and go from there. 5 years ago

This week at the ashtanga class, I couldn’t seem to do anything right for the first half hour or so. I was behind the group during the sunrise salutations, and my hamstrings were so tight from running on Friday that downward dog was torture. I started getting really frustrated, but I reminded myself that part of practicing yoga is accepting that not every session is going to be a great one. Sometimes they’re going to royally suck. So I kind of resigned myself to sucking but slogging through regardless, and the most amazing thing happened. I started to relax and take it a little easier on myself.

And what do you know? I achieved circle pose for the first time ever! I’ve always had trouble with it because I have weak wrists, but I’ve been using hand grips when I walk on the treadmill, and evidently it’s helped. I can’t take all the credit though. The instructor, Judy, said something that made the whole thing click: “Lead with your belly.” I was so excited I started laughing (not very yoga-like, I know). =^) 5 years ago

1) I miss my bambina, but I think taking a few nights to practice yoga, eat well and rest makes me a better Mom.

2) I shouldn’t have brought my computer. When I’m not on the mat, I’m checking e-mail and corresponding with work. Next time, I’ll unplug a little more.

3) Despite my consistent efforts to run my own race (see earlier entry about Marlo Thomas), I still open my eyes during practice and peek at the super bendy yoga girls with the flawless bodies. Mustn’t compare! Must not compare!

4) I know Kelly Ripa is probably a femmebot, but for some reason I’m finding her kind of cool these days. I read an interview with her where she said her goal is to never have her daughter hear her say, “Do I look fat in this?” I second that emotion. Big time.

5) When I feel sane and balanced, one of my personal mantras is: “What if I’m doing it all right?” What if I am exactly where I’m supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing and all the supposed setbacks are actually like those guys waving traffic from a closed, possibly dangerous, street, leading me down a road I could’ve never imagined on my own. It’s a good feeling. That I could be right when I so often feel so wrong.

6) Am I crazy for expecting people at a yoga retreat to be a little friendlier? We have these group meals and some people are just cold, like I’ve cut them off in traffic, not practiced yoga with them and then said hello.

7) Just talked to my husband on the phone and I love that he can still make me laugh so hard. He’s hilarious. Hilariously genius. Makes me feel lucky. Which is a great feeling. Because sometimes when we’re home and all his faults seem magnified, I occasionally have this thought: “Go away. Go away so I can miss you.”

Now I’m the one who’s gone away and I do miss him and the pleasure of staying up late to talk to him on the phone is a rare treat. All night, I felt like Ingrid Bergman chatting up Cary Grant in Indiscreet. 5 years ago

Last night, I did 20 minutes of Rodney Yee’s “Power Yoga” DVD. It seems very similar to ashtanga class, which is very cool.

Does anyone else suspect that Rodney Yee might be some sort of highly advanced yoga cyborg sent back in time to destroy us? No one should be able to move from standing forward bend to plank pose like that. 5 years ago

I did the ashtanga class again this past Saturday, and I think I’m falling in love. I love the intensity of this class. I’m a total noob, and I really struggle to keep up, but it’s just fabulous. I read that ashtanga’s purpose is to purify the body through the release of toxins (via copious amounts of sweat), and I can believe it. As I think I’ve mentioned previously, I sweat like a fat 12-yr-old boy, so by the time I’ve finished an hour and a half of ashtanga, I’m practically swimming, but oh boy does it feel great! Afterward, I’m so geared up for the day. I’ve been incredibly productive the last 2 Saturdays after taking the class! 5 years ago

Inspired by SoVeryAudreyH to get my butt in gear and stop slacking on this goal, I actually got out of bed at 6:45 on Saturday AM to attend an ashtanga yoga class, and I’m really glad I went. It was much less crowded than the Wednesday night class (one of the reasons I’ve been avoiding going back), and it was a much nicer atmosphere. I still felt like a total newb, but at least I went and did my best. No one can ask anymore from me, right? Anyway, revved up from the class, I actually cleaned my “exercise room” and steamed the carpet so I can practice at home this week. =^) Thanks for the kick in the pants, SVAH! 5 years ago

Took a 2 hour restorative yoga workshop on Friday. Was so stressed. Traveling for work, ride never showed up, was 1/2 an hour late for this yoga class at a place I’d never been before. But I made it. And I just sunk into these restful poses. And it was so good for me.

For a long time, I felt really discouraged and a little cynical. But I feel hopeful again these days. That good things are going to happen. That good things are, in fact, already happening. It’s like when you go to the mailbox and you know there’s a 99% chance that it’s just bills and junk mail. But there’s a 1% chance that there’ll be something great in the mailbox: a check or a letter from an old friend or an invitation to a great party. I’m feeling the 1% of hope and expectation and it feels good. 5 years ago