am feeling like crap lately.
body aches. and minds tch tches at me, telling me well if you don’t exercise, of course you’re gonna ache all over for no good reason. can’t get to sleep without tylenol. 5 years ago

right now.
my heart is beating fast. my face is flushed. and I feel the acid rushing into my stomach.

why am i so affected by stupid things that my family members say? How do I control my reaction to them? 5 years ago

something comes along and shakes it…

then, when you’ve successfully clung on and that situation has passed, something else comes.

if it’s not one thing it’s another.

this is why great souls go for meditation and etc… because there’s always “something and something” that will come and try to shake you off the rope, no?

right now, i’m worrying about a close friend who has gotten into a… situation which will be difficult to extract herself from. she tried to break up with someone who was acting more and more unstable, and his response was to go over the deep end. I am deeply worried about her safety. 5 years ago

i wish to pass this test 5 years ago

8 cheers. i will resist giving them till the paper is emailed to its proper destination. 5 years ago

am in the home stretch now… i worked on the paper till 3 in the morning, and then again from 7:30 till 9, and then whenever i could spare a moment throughout the day, lunch, breaks, extra mini breaks when at the reference desk… etc…

it’s now close to 15 pages long?

now need to correct a few errors, find a few pesky quotes and create the dreaded bibliography.

thank you so so SO much for your support last night/this morning.

hugs to you all!

love,
b 5 years ago

this is what’s happening.

deep breath.

the last couple of days have been very very weird. and unsettling. i have been in major stress mode, but still, i kind of had it under control, especially after my professor gave me an extension. I thought i’d have my research paper done by now. but i don’t… and now it’s finally FINALLY due tomorrow. and it’s not even half done yet, though i did outline it at least, before I lost my brain….

again… this is what happened.

there’s this annoying woman at work who has gotten under my skin over the last couple of days, and i just don’t know what to do. I found her to be annoying from day 1. you know, how someone just rubs you the wrong way, and then the very sight of them irritates you? At first she annoyed me by being too nosy. For example, she watched me eat, and then commented on what I ate. I hate that. (someone staring at you when you eat)... Also she asked me lots of questions about where i lived. Now, maybe this was just her misguided attempt to be ‘friendly’ but i found it to be overwhelming… And then, she developed a really bad cough but still kept coming to work. I am one of the biggest germophobes around, and so you can imagine how flummoxed I got by the fact that she Coughs. In. The. Air. NO COVERING OF MOUTH.

Constantly.

Recently, she has begun to cover her mouth. With her Hand. Which hand she then proceeds to use on one of the terminals that is shared by at least 10 people. Plus, our office is tiny, cuz our library is tiny. I don’t think i have ever before worked in such crowded conditions. It’s frustrating to be working in such crowded conditions even when everything is going well, but when someone is too uneducated (and clueless) to properly cover their cough (with their sleeve, not their hand) then it just drives me BONKERS.

So you can imagine my consternation when the Cougher pigeonholed me in the breakroom the other day, to tell me that the locker that I was using was her locker, given to her when she started working there a few months ago, (months before me.) I was in a hurry to get out the door, as I only had 45 for lunch, and was starving for a deli sandwich. I was kind of irritated by her assertion that this was her locker when I had been given this locker by the office manager… But i was horrified to think of SHARING it with the Cougher. Ugh. Plus i had no idea what she meant, as I had been told that this locker had previously been used by parttime staff, but that they would make it available to me.

So. I just said quickly, and possibly dismissively, (in retrospect), that she should talk to the office manager about it… _{I didn’t really want to eat up my precious lunch minutes going over in painful detail stupid details about a stupid locker with this stupid woman. not to mention staying in her vicinity, should she cough.}

so then.
Later, I found out (from her) that she had indeed been told in the summer that this was her locker, but that since she wasn’t using it, that the parttime staff had started using it. I think this was just a case of her being annoyed that someone else was using something that she herself could have used but chose not to… you know, like when a kid hardly ever plays with his toys, but then the neighbor kid comes over and wants to play with them, and all of a sudden the toys become oh so attractive, and he goes, “mine!!!”

and on top of it, this Cougher is now angry with me, at ME! Even though she should really be mad at the Management for not MANAGING this situation in a diplomatic way. Somehow, this is now MY FAULT. I suspect that this is partially because I didn’t want to linger to listen to her in the break room. She’s mad, btw, even though, upon realizing that i had been given that which ‘belonged’ to the Cougher, i told her that I would take out my things, and give up the locker to her. “No,” she said, “I’m mature. I can handle these things. You just keep the locker.” and then proceeded to glare at me.

Yeah. Real mature.

And now, whenever I have to ask her a question, she first pretends not to hear it, (oh SO mature we are, aren’t we?) And when she can no longer ignore me, she proceeds to answer me in a rude manner. While I apologized to her several times for having taken “her” locker, this doesn’t seem to register, even while each time i tried to make amends this crazy Cougher said, ‘listen, i don’t make a big deal about it. I’m mature.” yeah right.

so this utterly mundane and laughably stupid drama has been going on the last couple of days, on top of which i have no to little sleep due to late nights trying to write my paper. There;s been a vicious cycle of staying up late, brain being fried the next day but trying to stay up late anyway.

So finally yesterday i came to my senses and realized i needed to go to sleep early, very early, and then wake up early to work on my paper… I was so sleepy by the time that I got home, that I was practically hallucinating. So then guess what happens. I was so so so so tired that I fell asleep without realizing that the apt door (not front door to bldg) was unlocked. Plus i left the light on in the main hallway. When my roommate came home, she was upset about this, which is fair enough. But what does she do? She opens my door, which, because it’s sticky, came open with a loud bang, startling me. (I was in one of the deepest, most delicious stages of sleep one could be in.)

and then, even though she realized i was sleeping, she proceeded to say, in a loud voice, ” the light’s on and the door was unlocked” and then she closed my door.

It’s fine that she was upset. I was negligent and she is entitled to be annoyed. But is she entitled to ruin my sleep for this matter? Could she not have written a freakin’ note to me? or brought it up the next day when I would be AWAKE?

Mind you, she has told me that my eating breakfast on the kitchen table is disturbing to her in the early morning, cuz she can hear my spoon clinking in the bowl (the kitchen table is in a small room which adjoins both of our rooms). So, to accommodate her, I’ve been eating breakfast standing up, in the tiny kitchen, or at my desk in the living room.

Could not this same person have the decency not to wake me up on the one freaking day that I was to get decent amount of sleep????

all of this has caused me to lose my power of concentration, because i’m constantly dwelling on one or the other situation. I am trying to write my paper, but it feels like my brain is so scattered. I am exhausted. I am upset. I can’t think clearly (at least not research-paper clearly)

what to do?

i tried singing a small prayer… it helped temporarily and was soothing… but at this point, i really need 24 hours of sweet sleep… which i cannot afford. because this thing is really due tomorrow.

i feel screwed. 5 years ago