reclaim equilibrium

Okay, so normality is… resuming. However, I’m still on a bit of a go-slow – no point in diving straight back in at full pace! No point, and not so healthy either! The tortoise wins the race, after all.

In fact, this is a brilliant opportunity to rebuild more solid foundations, right?

We recently excavated our upstairs study from piles and piles of clutter. It is now beautiful and usable again. I feel a bit ridiculous that we haven’t used this space in so long. I’m sitting in my comfy chair, with my two reading lamps, listening to music from the stereo downstairs, preparing for my presentation. I have a cup of magnolia oolong tea. I’m trying to believe that I can do what I need to before Thursday. Life is pretty good.

It seems to be my day (or at least my morning) for loafing and reflecting, so I’ll do a bit more before I make myself walk the dog and get down to some serious work.

It is fall here, quite suddenly. I adore fall, normally, but this year I am acutely aware of the darkness, dampness and cold. For the first time, I’m seriously considering buying a light box.

I still battle the anxiety and depression demons. I’m on a waiting list for a (hopefully) better psychiatrist. I hate being on meds, but I continue to take them because they do help some. I probably need to make another attempt to find a decent psychotherapist.

I’m ridiculously behind and overwhelmed at work. Part of this is due to the aforementioned anxiety & depression, which contribute greatly to brain freeze on a regular basis. I also battle my inner perfectionist a lot. I overcommit and agree to do too many things, usually out of genuine enthusiasm for the task, at least initially. Like so many workplaces, especially libraries, we are very understaffed in several areas. We didn’t receive large budget cuts, thankfully, but the library has been running a bare bones, understaffed operation for so long that there is a backlog of work that needs immediate attention. I also overcommit out of anxiety about tenure. There are still tenure areas I’ve done nothing about, like publishing and community service. I’m struggling to learn to be a better teacher and to accept that I will sometimes screw up. This is difficult for me.

So, I don’t manage stress well. We know this. On the other hand, I am very fortunate in many ways and have enjoyed some success in particular areas of my life. We have a fabulous new dog. I’ve been doing a better job of keeping in touch with friends and developing new friendships. We’ve made significant progress in decluttering the house. The upstairs garret, living room, dining room, and front hall are all decluttered, leaving only the guest room, bedroom and basement to do. Not perfect yet, but the house is looking better than it has in a couple years.

I’m getting plenty of opportunities to do professional presentations. This stresses me out to no end, but it is also encouraging to get things accepted. I’m starting to build good relationships with the faculty in my liaison departments. The problem is that this generates more work for me because now they want me to do stuff for them :) I have the freedom to work on the projects of my choice at work, which is awesome. I have great colleagues and some amazing students. I get to do work that matters. I have a job that pays well with good benefits. I’m making significant headway paying off my debt. These are all good things.

So, what I wish is that I could handle stress better. I wish that I used my time more productively and spent less time freaking out, so that more of my free time could be free, instead of spent working or, much worse, trying and failing to work. When I reflect upon how much my life has changed from how it was a year ago, or two years ago or especially five years ago, I’m amazed at what I’ve done. I finished my BA in 2003, after years of struggling with school off and on. Since then, I’ve gotten the MLIS, worked in an amazing paraprofessional job and now a fantastic librarian job. Unbelievable. My younger self would never have believed it :) Amazing.

How could I have forgotten?! One of the hugest, most important things I managed to take away from counselling, was J’s throw-away statement, “That’s just who you are.”

It came up more than once, but the preceding conversation at one point was about – well, sort of about me being a scanner. I find it hard to focus on one thing, I want to do twenty billion – that’s just who I am. Or, that I like numbers and coding and working away, but hate being sent to be the representative at meetings – that’s just who I am.

I’m guessing this is pretty basic stuff, really, but I can’t describe the sense of epiphany that’s followed me for weeks following that offhand comment: “That’s just who you are”. Said in such a way that it was instantly obvious that that’s absolutely fine, there’s nothing wrong at all with being who I am! I want what I want, and I feel what I feel, and really – it’s all okay!

It’s so freeing, really – life changingly so! Rather than struggling to be who I (or perhaps ‘society’, as viewed through my perception) think I ‘should’ be, I have full permission to accept that who I am already is just fine – and I can work with myself, not against. I mean, wow, right?!

I’m currently reading Byron Katie’s book, “Loving What Is”, which seems to me to be the same idea, pushed outwards to other people and situations. She’s right, I’m convinced: sometimes accepting what is is all that’s required for a sense of peace.

Final one of these, I think!

Most of the time when I’m struggling to do a ‘something’, that something is creative somehow: writing, card making, drawing, guitar – I’ve mentioned all these things before. Even my geeky side wants in on the action: I want to create websites! I often end up berating myself for not doing these things I so want, for being lazy, or unmotivated, or just scared of failure. Such a relief, then, a different perspective, when someone quite off-handedly and matter-of-fact-ly uttered: “Oh, but creativity is hard.”

It sounds rather obvious, but it was just such a lightbulb moment for me. I’m not struggling to ‘create’ ‘cos I’m lazy: it is actually a daunting prospect! And sure enough, my planned Risk challenges all revolved around creativity. And I struggled, because I keep trying to tell myself that it’s not scary – it doesn’t matter if it’s rubbish, it’s the trying that counts, blah blah. And then feeling bad for not quite managing to get to it…!

So. Perhaps acknowledging that the act of creating is scary and difficult might help? I hope so! Because no matter how hard it is for me to find motivation and start, I so crave to be doing the creative hobbies I’m interested in!

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I meant to write something about how I/we tend to forget the sweat that goes into creating, as the best creative types make it look so easy – just remember how much practice those people have had!!

I’ve been talking recently about changes I want to make in my life – must get round to writing them down, really! – and a lot of what I’ve been saying sounds like seeking justification. And it is. I’m talking about going to a four-day working week, lowering my salary, and with the intention of using that spare day to chase all the stuff I’m struggling to do now, with a zero-day week! It sounds like madness. It sounds very indulgent.

And then it hit me today that I’m not going after these things just for fun. I’m trying to maintain my mental health, and I mean that in such a real way. I was thinking what a relief it was when doctors started taking me seriously about being depressed, and realised that by dismissing the thoughts/wants for more ‘fun stuff’ in my life I’m the one not taking me seriously!

So I’m thinking of being more ‘unconventional’ than I’ve ever managed in my life. But you know what? I’m allowed – allowed to chase happiness, to try and make the most of my life, even if that starts with some silly and/or crazy ideas.

I can be the person I want to be.

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The thought of this, of being allowed to be happy not because I’ve busted my gut working away for years, but just because I choose to do what makes me happy is making me cry. I don’t know what that means, really!!

(Got a bit distracted from these, but I do want to finish! Although apologies for all repetativeness – I did say everything overlapped!)

In my last session, I managed to introduce my counsellor to the concept of opportunity cost. I’m probably a complete nerd, but that and the law of diminishing returns always struck me as economic concepts that are so damn true in life…

Anyway. Opportunity cost is the ‘price’ of doing (making/buying/etc) something in terms of the other somethings that you then can’t do/make/buy. For instance, I could buy a ferarri, but the opportunity cost would be food, heating, etc! Financially it’s not something I’ve ever really struggled with (I guess I just have my priorities aligned – hmm, that’s a good point!), but when it comes to time the concept of opportunity cost can paralyse me.

For instance: yesterday I had challenged myself to take a risk, creatively – to do something despite the vague fear. I got rather excited by the prospect: another viewpoint to push me past inaction – I would go make cards, despite the crippling fear of utter failure. And I do mean excited: I was all ready, happy to go go go – and then… well, you could say it was the thought of the opportunity cost that stopped me.

See, something in my brain went, “Cards, good; book review, better!”. Ah yes – it’d be good to make a start on reviewing the book I’m about to take back to the library, wouldn’t it? And that was one of my other ‘risk’ ideas, so all good. Except… I ended up somewhat paralysed between the two ideas, and neither happened. Argh!!

It doesn’t make a great deal of sense, logically. I mean, I can end up not doing something productive because something else productive wouldn’t then happen – but as a result, no productivity occurs at all (and not on purpose!). Today I had quite an epiphanous thought: no matter how I fill it, time keeps happening. If I’m not doing something, then I don’t get the time back. Only, more profound and meaningfully put than that ‘cos I wasn’t half asleep like I am now!

It had occurred to me already that this hang up is based on something that doesn’t matter. I’m embracing the idea of being a complete scanner, that I’m not going to be happy limiting my interests and pursuits – I really do have (ie want) to do everything, at least a little! So it’s not so much that none of my interests are important, just that none is more important than the others. So it makes not the blindest bit of difference – in terms of that opportunity cost – if I write or make cards, paint or read. It all wants done; the only ‘cost’ is time lost forever if I do nothing (and not on purpose!).

So here’s that priorities comment back: I don’t have much problem with money, as I know I want shelter, food, warmth, etc first. With my time, however, the change to make is seeing that a lack of prioritisation doesn’t mean everything is worthless, just that it’s all of the same worth – and learn to just go with my intuition on whatever’s most interesting at that moment – and by that I mean, what’s most fulfilling, not just what’s the least effort.

From tiny actions (eventually) producing results, I’d like to think about huge actions. The big changes that I sort of assumed just didn’t happen (to me) without a catastrophe and/or huge amounts of effort. I’m used to change being slow (ie a million years later, she gets that degree and…?), and quite possibly had a sense that bigger changes weren’t ‘me’.

During a lot of my counselling sessions, I’d mention some interests and the cousellor would throw out ideas: I like movies – ooh, had I thought about joining the Film House? Guitar – take lessons. Art – sign up for a class. IT stuff – volunteer work. Travel – book yourself a city break this year. To be honest, it frustrated and even annoyed me: I don’t have time for more stuff in my life! Gah! And those are huge changes/newness – it’s just not me.

However, slowly it dawned on me that I do need to be doing more, just to rekindle my interest in life. And this trapped feeling of no time until I finish studying – not entirely true!

So here’s the point: I have ‘decided’ that these things ‘aren’t me’ – but the only thing making that true is me! Okay, some are very genuine limitations – eg, I don’t want to sign up for more classes while I’m already sitting exams! – but importantly, this is all a matter of choice. I’ve chosen to see myself as ‘not that person’, to not make time for more. But I could.

I can see two viewpoints on this. To get in my mandatory Martha Beck reference, the first is her theory of ‘Wildly Improbable Goals’. I’m beginning to like the idea! Basically, you write down something you secretly desire, but think more than a little unlikely. Just write it down, keep it somewhere. The theory is that this focuses your subconscious and amazingly, more often than not the WIGs come true! Of course there are limitations (I don’t think it matters how often I write down ‘win the lottery’! ;)), but much to my surprise, one of my highly unlikely aspirations popped up almost immediately – I’m going to Amsterdam! o.O

Luck/chance/subconscious can’t be trusted to fix everything, however, so the other side involves something a bit more tangible. But that first step remains to dream – and then realise that in fact, it’s not so impossible.

In my case, I’m currently thinking about my career. I don’t hate it, but it’s not perfect. I envy those people who can find work that doesn’t feel like work, but I always figure(d) that 99% of us can’t have that on any practical level. But let’s dream: what would I really love doing, that would make money? It’s a harder question than you’d think – I enjoy (very occasionally!) making cards, but I have no interest in doing that on a scale needed to pay the mortgage, for instance!

One positive side to my recent depression, however, has been to make me realise what my core loves in life are. There are others, but through it all, my passion for books has never wavered. No matter how down I was feeling, the sight of my full shelves was a good one, I always found energy to read (even nonsense!), and despite being quite irrational, the library fills me with a dream-fulfilled-like joy.

Library? Well, actually, yes – I have always fancied being a librarian! Counsellor agreed with me: she could so see me in that role, so why not? Well… to be honest, and with absolutely no offense meant to any actual librarians, I always saw this as a later-in-life career change for me. Something a bit slower for my pre-retirement age. Sorry! But having that conversation with J made me realise something: yes, it sounds like an ideal career, but I’m not ready to take the pay cut and would still feel like there were parts of my skill set I wasn’t using. Lightbulb moment: I don’t love my job, but I am actually making a conscious decision to stay in it! Wow.

I can’t begin to tell you how freeing that thought was. An epiphany! I’m not trapped in a less-than-perfect situation, I am deliberately choosing the money and stability right now, over anything other.

And as soon as I twigged that, I had another thought: if that’s the case, what’s stopping me from starting to work on one of the ‘unlikely dreams’ – on a small, unthreatening, not life-entirely-changing (at least all at once) scale? After all, I could jump financial ship and head towards my nearest book depository – there really is nothing external stopping me. And if I could do something so huge, I can surely look for ways to do something a darn sight smaller – those slow, steady, incremental changes I’m already comfortable with!

So here’s the current ‘dream’: I’ve already talked about going to a 4-day week in my current job, while I’m studying. Once that just would have seemed… not impossible as such, but so… something. Pay cut for an extra day – sheer, mad indulgence! Another positive from the depression has been reconsidering indulgences like that – I can, and I’m allowed to, even if it isn’t the norm, the big work ethic thing, or something like that.

Having accepted that I probably will try doing this – even if it did need the excuse of my sanity to justify it! – I then thought further. If I wasn’t studying, and had that extra day a week, what might I do with it? My first thoughts were silly (to me) – I was joking with myself along the lines of going to work in Lush, or Waterstones, just for the fun of it. Actually, nothing stopping me – apart from my own sense that that would be a waste of my skill set. BUT – currently work isn’t using all of my skill set! And there’s no room there for my life’s great love, books. Books. What jobs involve books…

Which has all been a hell of a long waffle to say that I’m seriously (that’s the new bit!) considering (a) moving to a 4-day working week, and (b) eventually using that time (probably still post-studying, I admit) to try to go into proofreading. Just freelance, just part time, see how it goes, with that solid job still paying the mortgage. I like proofreading – and I’m very good at it! Still, not all dreams are practical, and it wasn’t until I allowed myself to take it a bit seriously that I realised this wasn’t so crazy. I don’t have to do an English degree to get my foot in the door, it doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing jump into the unknown.

I’m excited. There are possibilities that I would never have considered before – ‘cos they just weren’t ‘me’ – which actually aren’t so crazy.

That was all a bit disjointed – too early for such waffling! But… I see possibilities, and it is good! And even better to realise that chasing silly dreams isn’t as silly as it sounds.

All of these ‘insights’ are closely linked: do something, even if it’s going to be rubbish; do something, even if it’s not part of some bigger goal – both start with “Do something”.

I tend to have such an all-or-nothing mindset. I originally wanted something to put on my CV to show my IT skills, and ended up signing up for a Masters degree, thinking, well if I’m going to do somthing I might as well do the big shiny version. Oh, the pain I would/could have saved myself if I’d settled for the ECDL!! o.O

Likewise, when I think about hobbies it’s very much a case of wanting brilliance straight off. I don’t want to just scribble for a bit, I want to be polishing off a first-rate novel. If I start an exercise program, it’s 3 times a week down the gym/stuff at home other days, aiming to be that Amazonian warrioress I’ve always pictured myself as (!). And as for the guitar – well, if I’m not going to be Jimi Hendrix at the end of it, is there any point? Actually, more to the point: last time I did have a big learning push, I got hugely into chord theory and all that – did I mention I’ve yet to master strumming well?!

Going back to MBeck (as I ever do!) and she has a great example in Finding Your Own North Star about a client who was paralysed with trying to write her dissertation. “Come back in a fortnight with four pages for me,” says Martha. Woman comes back with grander plans, but still no writing done. “Write me a hundred words every day this week!”. Nope, still no output. Her reasoning was, a couple of hundred words wasn’t coming close to solving the problem, so why bother? And so she stalled, unable to get her head around the entirity of the problem at once, and ended up with no work done at all. Even that ‘useless; hundred words a day would have been more progress!

I do stuff like tell myself I need to do a good hour’s studying tonight, and then do nothing. I flick for ages through random tv, feeling I don’t have time for a full movie, and end up filling most of that time pointlessly (but not the good sort!) anyway. I don’t have a fully fledged idea for a card, what’s the point in spending five minutes sticking on a bit of paper when I don’t know what comes next?

Obvious stuff, really: five minutes – hell, one minute! – every day will get you much further than the planned hours every weekend that never quite seem to happen. Little and often, slow and steady, perserverance, consistency, etc etc.

The real benefit of adopting this mindset – if I can, and I plan hard to try! – is that it will let me do everything I take half a fancy to doing. I’ve tried the other way: narrowing down my list of ‘acceptable’ ways to use my time, thinking I would then get more of them done. It didn’t work: I just got bored. This was, I get to do a bit of anything that takes my fancy – as long as it’s something purposeful (so yes, solitaire, napping, tv et al can count – as long as I’m aware of why I’m doing those things at any given time!) than that is SO much more worthwhile (to my life) than restlessly avoiding doing something I feel I ‘should’.

Anything is better than nothing, and as long as whatever you pick makes you happy, any something will do!

The point of this point is that there doesn’t have to be one. A point. Not everything I do has to have some ultimate, big aim in mind; it’s perfectly fine to do things just for the sake of that doing – preferably ‘cos they’re fun!

A lot of my life of late has been about bigger goals. Work is a huge goal-area in itself; studying for exams for a degree for a new career choice; do this so that can happen, etc etc. My couseller spoke of how ‘driven’ I sounded – driven to despair, I would suggest! It’s no way to live – well, a bit, but not everything can be like that. I’d forgotten how to have fun for the sake of it.

And because something didn’t have some great aim – I don’t need to make greetings cards, I can just buy one like anyone else, after all! – I had huge difficulties motivating myself. Or, I’d turn a simple, probably pleasurable, task into some huge goal just to justify giving it time and effort. I must make a hundred cards so (a) I have stock, and (b) I can improve my skills and be good at it, and (c ) I justify all the money I’ve spent buying the materials! Y’know what: it didn’t help!! I’ve made about one card this year so far!!

Thing is, I took up card making ‘cos it was fun. And because it gave me an excuse to enjoy shopping binges on pretty little glittery bits’n’pieces – heck, if I never make another card, I’ve adored those shopping sprees!

A whole lot of my life is like that. I want to write, to play my guitar, to draw and paint, to enjoy exercise for the sake of exercise. I want to be able to meander out of the house for no reason than being out and about and seeing the world. None of these things is working directly to any huge end point, all together, little by little, they do/will improve my overall enjoyment of life.

And the thing is, if I could stop taking them so seriously and just get on with enjoying them, I might even end up with a purpose without even trying!

Finally, worth pointing out that a lot of things I now value highly in my life/skill set started out being quite pointless. I adored computers for the games and the fun, and the familiarity and learning-through-play served me excellently. I taught myself to touch-type by typing out song lyrics off the back of album covers – why? No idea, but it’s one of the handiest skills I have! My adored MBeck is all about doing whatever the heart desires, not for any set purpose, but because only by following your inner wants will the big wants of your life reveal themselves and become attainable.

So. Here’s to no points at all!! :)