understand my role as a stay at home mom

This goal is almost finished since I started my new job yesterday. But I’m not sure ten hours a week counts yet.

On the DH front something must have sunk in as he’s be helpful in a way that I think could realistically continue and he’s been more courteous in game watching making sure to help get dinner on the table sooner so we can all eat together. We also implemented a whoever cooks cleans their own dishes which has solved a lot of frustration. We cook about equal days but his dishes were always so much messier than mine since I clean as I go. I’m really happy about this.

Baseball has consumed our life. It affects dinner time, bed time, and weekend outings. It’s been “off limits” after DH had to sell his truck and besides weekly poker games it’s his only real hobby I’ve tried to be very patient and understanding. Problem is that it’s consuming his and our life for 3-5 hours a day. We’ve been fighting about following through on chores for months now considering I don’t ask him for much and he seems to “forget” so much. He’s a hard worker in that he is a great provider but he is a total home body (especially this past year) and could care less about keeping a house decluttered and clean so IMO I’m labeling this as lazy. I wish I could put the tv in the basement. I really don’t know what to do.

Yesterday after a particularly heated fight SB and I left the house to go to a park (while DH watched the first game of a double header) but the park turned out not to be a real park so we stumbled on a Sicilian store/cafe and ate Italian cookies and gelato while the owners Russian wife and I discussed immigration in the US. I felt so happy afterward I brought home a pizza and stopped by a specialty store for pepperoni. Part of me was happy that DH didn’t go because I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have the encounter but I do feel sad that we seem to be growing apart in our interests and our approach to life in general. I think this is the part where the honeymoon ends and something else sets in but I’m not sure where to go from here.

I never saw myself as a “mom” type. I’ve always gotten along with children but was never (and still am not) the person that wants to hold anyone’s baby or ohs and ahs over a stranger’s baby pictures. But with my own child I enjoy every moment we spend whether it be cuddling and looking at books or changing a diaper. I sometimes even miss him after I’ve put him down to bed. It’s such an unexpected mess of emotions that sometimes it’s overwhelming. If I could just focus all my energy on SB instead of chores and bills and house stuff staying home would be the best job in the world. that said I can’t help shake that feeling that raising a child isn’t enough. I know that sounds wrong but once he grows up and no longer needs me so much anymore I may look back and wonder who I am besides mom. I’ve always had grand expectations from myself. Ideally I’d want it all but I’m realizing as the mom something’s gotta give. I feel very strongly that I should be doing something job wise. I feel like I have a lot to offer. Especially in human services. But I’m having a very very hard time figuring out how I’m to balance the two. It hurts to think even for a minute my little boy would perceive anything I do as abandoning him. We’ve spent pretty much every minute together since he was born. I know he won’t even remember these years but I will. I cherish the time we are spending together and am going to try to make this a smooth transition for all of us.

I went on two interviews this week for part time positions. Both seem like wonderful opportunities and if it wasn’t for SB I’d jump on them in a nano second. I had no idea it would be this incredibly hard. I can’t stand the thought of not being with SB all the time. I can’t stand the thought of trusting someone else to take care of him. I’m happy the interviews went so well and we could really use some extra income but this is tearing me up emotionally.

I’ve recently learned that while people may be born with genes that predispose them to violence and crime they are unlikely to fulfill them with decent parenting. What a relief. I guess there can still be surprises but I find a lot of comfort in knowing the worst monsters in the world were abandoned or abused by their parent and my SB will never have to experience or become such a person. A bit irrational to even contemplate, I guess, but since sociopaths have always fascinated me I’m happy to know actively playing a loving role in my son’s life really will make a big impact in the world by ensuring he won’t turn into the next Jeffery Dahmer.

DH is out of town and I just found out that we’ve had the carseat installed all wrong this whole time. Fortunately for me the mom who helped me realize this was really nice and helpful but I feel like a horrible mom. Plus we need to buy a new one since he is getting too long. I’m so overwhelmed. There are so many choices and now with our big mistake I’m so worried about buying the wrong one. Everyone is talking about the Britan but it’s $200-$300. This is the first time I’ve really felt like I’m in over my head. I wish we had family close by. I am so incredible lonely.

We just read the original offer letter from the current company specifically citing that we would owe them not only the sign on bonus money (net) but also 100% of the cost to relocate us, hotel, moving, incidental check and all. Not looking too good at this point.

Crazy thing just happened. The DH called to let me know a job that he had applied for three months ago and turned down still wants him. The salary would be higher and it is near my mom’s house where we had originally planned to move THREE MONTHS AGO. I know I should not be encouraging my DH to quit his job, the job that paid to move us to MA 3 months ago, and accept this one so we can move down near friends and family and live rent free until we pay off our bills but I may not have the integrity to help him do the right thing. In my eyes the right thing isn’t to stay loyal to a company who doesn’t have our family’s best interests at heart and if this really is a legitimate offer, with written contracts and such it may just be worth all the aggravation and money we’ll have to pay back to the current company, to graciously thank them and hope they understand that we gotta do what we gotta do. It’s a long shot but they may just be the opportunity that we were looking for. It also helps that DH admitted to being hard-headed and seemed very sorry that he so hastily accepted the job offer he did. Is it really so terrible to quit a job after 3 months? UGHHH, Conscience do not lead me to believe doing the “right” thing is really better for us as a family. I’m lonely, we’re broke, and I already feel like I’ve been barely holding it together for months.

We got some bad news yesterday. My DH was told his company would be shutting down for three weeks this summer and he won’t be getting paid for most of it. This could not have come at a worse time. Ideally we would have plenty saved up for a time like this but three moves, a baby, me being out of work, and some other big debts have made this virtually impossible. He’s pretty stressed and so am I but I don’t want him to be so worried since he’s not at his best when he’s stressed and the last thing I need is for a mopey DH. I gotta figure something out. There is still the possibility I will return to work sooner than later but I looking at that option as a last resort. I’ve really settled into this mom thing and won’t be letting it go so easily. Sure there are good daycares and wonderful sitters but no one else will treasure every single smile and babble he makes like I do and I can’t imagine sharing those things with people who won’t appreciate them as much as I do. I’m be willing to pay double later what I’m costing us by staying home now.

It’s been years since I’ve thought about not fitting in because of class or culture. I grew up in the DC area where cliques are pretty important but have managed to avoid them for years. Now that I’m in New England I’m having a hard time figuring out what class of people we are. It shouldn’t be important but it is. I met with a local stay at home mom yesterday for a play date and couldn’t relate to her at all. While she was nice I found she lacked ambition of any kind, her words were, “I always knew I didn’t want to work.” It surprised me. I’ve heard women say, “I always wanted to be a mom,” or similar things but to be blatant about staying home with your kid because you don’t like working, well I felt at least she could have made herself a bit more presentable or interesting. I was polite and friendly yesterday but it really bothered me to see a sloppy woman with no goals. I guess that makes me judgmental but I felt angry. I’m not sure how to describe why I felt so angry. I was mad that she didn’t touch any of the food I brought and mad that she had let herself go so much (her daughter was three but she was clearly wearing her boyfriends clothes). Maybe she’s got something figured out about life that I don’t since she didn’t come across as the crazy woman who worries about everything that I am. She was content to live a mediocre life. On the other hand I don’t quite fit with the attachment parenting group either. The women tend to be a bit older and much more settled down, certainly not just starting out with lots of debt like my DH and I are. I actually got anxious when thinking that someday they would come to my own house for play dates. Our house is clean and functional but I’d probably be apologizing for it’s small size and the ugly furniture we have. I felt shallow thinking like that. I feel like there is no in between class here. It’s either blue collars working long hours and hitting the pubs or the white collars coming home to large houses sipping espresso and wine. I’d like to think that class didn’t matter, I’d like to think I could be friends with just about everyone but I can’t stand being around people unwilling to help themselves move forward in life and I’m done feeling intimidated by people who don’t need to look at price tags anymore. I’m confused with my nasty thoughts and insecurities. I feel like such a foreigner here.

PS this is a rant and there is no need to lecture me on my stereo typing social classes, I’m educated enough to know not everyone fits one mold but I think many people who have been to New England would agree that the difference between the has and has nots is quite significant here and even worse is that both often fit many of their stereotypes to a T.