Today I will:

• Get back to posting daily on 43 :)
• Go to therapy
• THINK! Think about who I want to become, what do I want and need.

• Work so I can save money for my tattoos
• Wash some laundry 4 weeks ago

Pfiu, this was hard!! I’m fighting everyday my little, darling obbessive-compulsive behaviour, and I think I won a fight with putting this goal on done even if I don’t know precisely everything that has to and will happen in my life. But I have enough to make out of tomorrow a better day, and that is all I need.

43things
- Revise goals monthly, on the last day of the month! Set goals for each month.
- Post on 43 daily. Have a flexible schedule for each day and week.4 weeks ago

Today I had no weed for breakfast. And surprisingly, I did not despair. I know I might still smoke later. But as BipolarBunny says, I mustn’t let the things I can’t do prevent me from doing the ones I can. Maybe with time, I’ll turn my can’ts into cans too.

Today I will:
- clean this mess of a room and do some washing;
- go to therapy; book an appointment with the GP;
- eat as healthy as possible;
- go to uni; try to get some work done, make at least a plan for catching up and let my tutors know I’m still here; I still care.

- remember that change is a process, not an event; you’re changing, girlie; you just can’t see it yet; just keep going; and don’t lose hope.6 months ago

Today I woke up late and slightly regretful. But today is a new day.

Today I will:
- read (a lot);
- go to the gym;
- go to work, and make up for missing it yesterday; tattoos are expensive.

- stay away of unhealthy food; forgive myself for not doing so yesterday.
- calm down; be patient; it’s OK; one day at a time.6 months ago

Today I feel terrible. It would be one of those days in which I would send everything to hell, and do something extreme and stupid. But I will try to make the best of it, as little as I can. Little is better than nothing, they say…

Today I will:
- eat as healthy as possible. (at least make sure not to starve, nor binge);
- drink enough water; drink green tea;
- go to work, even if I won’t make the whole 8hrs;
- nick the barcode scanner from work so that I can sort my books when I’ll have the time (ooops);
- read a bit;

- remind myself that it’s OK if it takes this much time; it’s supposed to.6 months ago

Today it doesn’t matter anymore. It doesn’t matter how slow we go, as long as we are not stopping. Right?

I decided to change my approach completely. I always thought that I need to take life one thing at a time, to stop wanting so many things. The exquisite torture of living with great expectations. As if happiness wouldn’t be a million small things. And the balance between them.

And I tried, for a while, “to be happy with what I have”. But you see, it really is impossible. But maybe, there is no need to want less things, but to be a little more patient. We have enough time, once we stop wasting it. (working on that, too). I can choose to do any of the million nice things that I want to do, and maybe it’s OK if I don’t know tonight which that will be.

Maybe I have to deal with it one day at a time. To take the day and make the best of it, no matter what I regret of yesterday and hope for tomorrow. And never forget that every day is a new beginning.6 months ago

A great holiday because it means that we take a look at our lives and reflect on things that we are thankful for!

In my lap is my black and white male cat, who was found nearly 10 years ago in the Arroyo. And sitting near him is my black and white female cat, who I found 6 years ago eating out of a dumpster and living on the roof of a restaurant. They are both very sweet cats. They know that they were rescued and they love life.

I am thankful for having a house, and a yard where I can grow vegetables, and allow my cats a safe place to live. I am thankful for having a great family who are my friends more than family. I am thankful for living in a wonderful city where people are friendly and care about each other. And I am thankful for having the intelligence and health to do so many things.

I spent a fun day at my sister’s. We cooked, cleaned her house, then ate and played games for hours. Wonderful fun! Great memories! Good times for everyone.

Thanksgiving is the perfect holiday!! 18 months ago

I had to take my Mom to the doctor yesterday and then again today for a test he wanted her to have. I had to drive my vehicle which spends most of its life sitting in the driveway. It worked fine for all the running around, until I dropped her off at her place. Then it decided not to start. I let it sit for 30 minutes and tried again. It started but I could tell that it wasn’t getting enough fuel and it would stall out. So I left it there and got a ride home.

I just rode over to get my vehicle and it won’t even turn over! Darn. I think it is the fuel pump. I am glad that the car decided to behave until I got my Mom home, that would have been REALLY bad if it had not started when we were out. Time to give my vehicle some attention and get it serviced. If it is the fuel pump that’s going to be a bit pricey… 18 months ago

I have been working smarter lately and getting through my tasks. At first it was difficult to work on a task for 15-25 minutes because every new email was a temptation to stop. I realized that emails were just excuses to stop working, and now I let them sit for a while. I try to be in control of when I will read them. Kind of like learning to let a ringing phone ring, it is changing what we have been taught.

I am working through some documentation at work. Just taking one task and working on it to completion where possible. I can see that I am making progress. Overall it may be slowing things down, but it means that I have fewer tasks I am working on at any one time. 18 months ago

Another day that was “supposed” to be a vacation day spent working. At least I am getting paid for the work. I had hoped to have the day to work in my yard, but there are things to do at work.

The good news is that I just focused on one task at a time and worked my way through a small pile of tasks. Happy!!

One more document completed and out of my way. And some great improvements on my major project. Of course a bunch of small tasks were added to my to do list. Making headway is difficult but we are making progress. 18 months ago

Just what I needed, a National day to help me accomplish one task on my list. Today is National clean out your refrigerator day! Yippee. Time to toss the leftovers and clean off the shelves.

I wonder if Flylady knows about this? 18 months ago

If this line seems familiar then you have seen the Muppet Movie. I absolutely LOVED the soundtrack to that movie!! Even though it was released before a lot of 43Things people were born, it has a magical message.

“Life’s like a movie, write your own ending
Keep believing, keep pretending
We’ve done just what we set out to do.
Thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you.”

So why am I posting this today? It fits in with the email message I received this morning from the 30 day program I am working on regarding how to improve my self esteem (or my life if I really think about what I am learning). In the email there was this quote:

I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I’ve written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part. – Shirley MacLaine

What a great concept! I can relate to this approach even if I haven’t acted in a play since grade school! I can have fun playing out my role in my play!! I can write my own ending to my movie – and what a great movie it will be!

So I am going to work on writing that ending. The happy ending that has me being successful in life. And this week will be scene 6 where I rediscover how I could manage to accomplish meaningful work and engage people in my projects. Yes I can play that role this week. :)

The muppet movie ALWAYS makes me smile! 18 months ago

Yes, especially for the person who is being used. I do not blame myself, we all fall into this at times because OUR intentions are honorable and human. We like being needed, or wanted. It’s human nature. Especially when the person who needs us is someone we like or respect. Fast forward a year or two. That need has turned ugly and become a weapon used against us. We are still operating on the principle that we are helping and our help is appreciated. Ha, not so with the user. They are now manipulating us into doing things that benefit them. We are being USED.

I will not beat myself up for falling into this. I will however pay more attention to other people’s motives in the future. How sad that someone I trusted and liked decided that my trust and friendship should only be a means to achieve his selfish ends. 19 months ago

So I am having problems at work because things are getting out of control and I can’t figure out how to get them back in control. This morning I had an email in my mailbox from the website that has me focusing on my thoughts titled “OMG I am so pissed off right now”. Were they reading my mind??? :(

I read the email, and visited the website. I thought about why I was angry and basically the answer is because I feel that my work is being dismissed by people. (The example in the email was that the woman was getting angry when she was afraid, and this made her happy because it drove away the fear.) My anger is not based on fear. It is based out of frustration that I cannot get things to work the way I want them to. That people do not appreciate what I have done. And I don’t feel I am getting the support I need from people who I have supported.

Perhaps my anger is based on the fact I feel abandoned by people I have helped. Cheated. Betrayed. It’s personal.

I shall have to think about this for a while. 19 months ago

Life has been taxing lately. On one hand I have had some success at work. On the other hand, my life has been pretty stressful. Today I had to take my Mom to her doctor’s appointment. Even though I called her and reminded her to meet me downstairs she wasn’t there. So I had to get her but we made it to the appointment on time. Then I went in with her to make sure that she asked the doctor all the right questions. I really like her doctor, but the outcome was that my Mom has another appointment this week – and guess who gets to take her?

Now I fully realize that when I was a child my Mom took me to the doctors. And I don’t resent doing this, but it is stressful and I need to figure out how to deal with the stress. I did request a handicap parking permit, which will help when I have to get her in and out of the car. 1 point for reducing stress.

She needed another prescription, so I got that and added it to her pill container. I had gotten a key to her apartment so I don’t have to wait for her to unlock the door when I visit (which can take a few minutes). I know, this is really not a big thing but being able to let myself in does help. 2 points for reducing stress.

Somehow, no matter how often I ask her if she needs anything prior to my visiting her, there is always something that she needs. Today it was cash. Fortunately this can wait until Friday when I take her to her next appointment.

I got home in time to call in for a meeting. That went fairly well. Then I took care of some work before I had to go to another meeting. And this meeting frustrated me because the ONE person who needed to be there wasn’t, and I wanted to postpone until that person could be there. It was too late, so we met, and most of my comments started with “so and so should hear this …”.

I am getting rather tired of doing other peoples’ work. :(

This morning I wanted to see if I could get through the day only telling the truth. I did very well except when the woman at Kaiser asked me for the fifth time if I had had a flu shot. I finally said “yes” just so she would leave me alone. A minor falsehood but it meant that I did not meet my goal.

I shall try again tomorrow. I want to see if I can accomplsh this goal, and more important, what causes me to fail. 19 months ago

I slept well Friday night but woke up Saturday extremely tired. Aching, exhausted tired. What’s with that? I got ready to go to the farmer’s market and sat on the couch instead. It took me several hours to realize I have a cold! So the day ws spent on the couch, surfing the Internet and watching reruns of football games. I did take a nap. And I found a website that said to sip lots of HOT liquids. Hot tea in the evening made me feel better and I slept well.

However I hadn’t planned for this on my weekend… :\ 19 months ago

Today things worked out! I got through the presentation I was dreading at work. The meeting wasn’t great, however I listened more and also had some people providing me feedback on how I was coming across. That helped.

I had to handle a ton of questions and respond to requests for assistance, many of which were time consuming. But I got through that and could put that aside.

And this evening there was a party for someone I am very fond of. I was really tired and didn’t want to go but knew I would have a good time if I went. I went, I had a good time, and I shall declare today to be a GOOD day!! 19 months ago

And I am only half way through the day. Work is stressful as I try to prepare for a meeting, and there are lots of loose ends to tie up. And I am trying to get my Mom comfortable with her new medicine schedule. And I had scheduled some work to be done on my house, which is moving along well however it means I am home and not physically at work.

Take a DEEP breath. Relax. One thing at a time. Work on the presentation. Good. Now make a phone call to provide someone direction. Breathe. Relax. Have something to eat. Breathe. 19 months ago

Today was not a normal day. Thankfully it will not be a day that I have to repeat. I think overall it was a good day, however there were enough stressful things interspersed that it was wore me out.

The good points were:
I got 3 bags of used coffee grounds for my yard.
The flags I ordered arrived.
I had nice conversations with strangers throughout the day.
My Mom was released from the hospital.
Eating a tomato from my garden.

Stressful things:
Driving in traffic and missing turns.
Parking structures that must have been designed by someone who builds mazes.
Not eating until 5 p.m. and then eating junk (stress relief)
Prescriptions not being ready
STUPID DRIVERSSTUPID MEETINGS at work 19 months ago

Monday. Ugh. After a weekend that was fun but also disrupted. My Mom is in the hospital, nothing serious but it meant early morning phone calls, changed plans, etc. This was not planned. Anyway, I was taking the day off of work to handle getting her home, however I would call and call the hospital and was unable to reach anyone. Finally I spoke to her nurse who said the doctor would contact me. Well she didn’t give me a timeframe and when I hadn’t heard anything at 3:30 p.m. I called.

They want to keep her another night. That’s OK, I just wish I had known that earlier. So my day was spent answering emails, cleaning the house, and trying to figure out what was going on.

Emails. I am so tired of people sending emails that area basically trying to get someone else to do their job for them. I do not have the patience to answer politely and give them a ton of information. I try to be nice, but I am also fairly direct. When did work becoming trying to get my job done when people around me are blaming me for not getting their work done?

It was a really nice day, and I did go outside for a while to drink a cup of coffee. I needed to spend more time outside, but I wanted to be near the phone. Tomorrow may allow me more freedom to spend some time outside.

Today as a 5 on a scale of 1-10. 19 months ago

Another day of a million problems and frustrating emails. :( I just do not understand how someone can ask a question and when you provide the answer, they write back and ask basically the same question over again. Actually, I do understand. The simple answer is the person does not like the answer you gave them and wants you to either do their job for them, or give them another answer. This is like dealing with children – but these children get paid a lot of money and SHOULD know how to do their job.

Rant over.

I am trying to tie up a bunch of tasks that have been on the back burner for months. The problem is that every time I tackle one of these problems, other problems pop up. I guess what I need to do is get my expectations in line and provide the people with a list of tasks and then take vacation while they work on the tasks. Perhaps that would reduce my stress, and let things move forward at the snail’s pace that is the norm.

I could try this. I could focus on something else while people are working. What about if I only worked Mondays and Wednesdays. Monday I could hand out all the tasks, and Wednesday I could check back in and answer any questions that people had. That might be a better use of my time. 19 months ago

Well at least work that is. And what a week it was. Only 4 days and it was all I could do to make it through without getting frustrated. One thing after another of people messing up, and simple things being difficult. And when I went to talk to the people who could help, that got me no where. So I have to decide if it is worth the effort to attempt to improve anything.

Right now my answer is a fairly strong “Nope”!

I know that I can be happy at work. However I need to feel that what I am doing is appreciated, and is helping improve things. I know I do excellent work, though if no one cares about what I do, or they refuse to use the applications, well I would probably be happier raising vegetables or helping people work on their house. 19 months ago

Another day of work is over. Another huge set of problems were encountered and some were solved. How can it be this difficult to run an organization?

I needed some requirements from people and in spite of my asking, reminding, harassing, I cannot seem to get them to send them to me.

I asked someone to update some code and he helpfully pushed the changes into production before we were ready, which broke something. I will fix it in the morning but we could have avoided this.

Someone else was claiming that some work was completed when it wasn’t. This caused extra work for me as I had to troubleshoot the problem and get back to the person who was inquiring about the work. The solution was to remove any controls, effectively breaking the process. I get so tired of people breaking processes as shortcuts instead of doing their job properly. However no one else seems to mind that they do this.

I made progress on a task that has been waiting for months, since we were working on other tasks. That was nice. We need to implement the fix on another piece of software and then I am one step closer to shutting down an obsolete application.

But why oh why do I have to do so many other peoples’ jobs??19 months ago

I am to the point these days that I can only take one day of work at a time. I used to love my job and love going to work because I saw all the possibilities of how to improve things. I worked VERY HARD building new processes and changing how work was done. It was so rewarding watching people learn new things and enjoy their work.

Then people started to think that they had to be the person to suggest change or they wouldn’t embrace it. That was fine to a degree. What they lacked was a big picture plan of how the pieces fit together.

Anyway these days it is more about just trying to keep things moving than it is about improving things. It’s sad because there is still so much that can be improved. But I cannot do it by myself.

I survived today. There were some useful discussions and one change was agreed upon. Someone asked me to fix something that made sense and I fixed it right away. And I am working on adding some information to help people understand another process. It’s kind of like planting a beautiful rose garden, watching it grow and have people appreciate it, and now all you are doing is picking up any trash in the roses because other people are supposed to be watering, pruning and fertilizing the roses. And the roses are neglected… :( 20 months ago

My earlier post prodded me into action. Once I put down in writing, for the world to see, what was holding me back (me) I decided to act. So I put together the outdoor firepit that had been in the garage for 2 years, and went in search of something new to do.

I found my answer on a food blog – there was a gelato place a few miles from my house that got rave reviews from bloggers. I hopped on my scooter and went off seeking new taste treats. The place was small and tucked in the back of a somewhat run down shopping mall. The gelato was AMAZING! The pistachio was almost like ground pistachio nuts in a mild vanilla base. The plum was unbelievably good. And even the chocolate macadamia nut was like eating chocolate covered macadamias in Hawai’i! The servings were small but it was excellent. A bit pricey, however I was pleased to have found a new place to support.

Then I did some errands and decided to try one more ice cream shop. OMG this place is my instant favorite, and while the gelato was excellent, the ice cream here was incredible! And reasonably priced considering. I had two scoops: Guinness and brown butter sage. Absolutely incredible flavors. No dinner for me tonight but it was worth it.

Then I ended my day by going to Starbucks to collect coffee grounds for my garden. The first Starbucks said come back tomorrow, the second one gave me a good sized bag of used grounds. I loaded them on my scooter, and rode home content!

It was a GOOD day! 20 months ago