Concentrate on having healthy relationships (familial, social, professional, and romantic)

I have enough frequent flyer miles to get me and my boy to someplace in Europe. Unfortunately not to Ireland, which takes 240,000 miles for some reason as opposed to 60,000 to London, but if we do decide to try for Ireland, Simon has said that sometimes RyanAir offers flights for pennies. Other destination possibilities include Germany (he wants to see a friend there – I’ve never been to Germany), Scotland (I’ve never been there, but both of us want to go), Denmark (I have dear old friends there I miss a lot), maybe Italy, though I’m not sure my son would be very interested. His top choices are Ireland, Scotland, England, and Germany.

Does this mean I can go to Europe next summer? Um, not unless everything in Europe is free once you get inside. But at least it’s starting to look more like a real possibility. Travel has always been something that is very important to me, and I really want to share it with my son!

One thing I am happy to be teaching my son is how to give and receive apologies.

Do I snap at my son? Yes. Does he snap at me? Yes. Do I get distracted at times and ignore my son’s presence? Yes. Does he do that to me? Yes. Do I sometimes yell at him, and does he sometimes yell at me? Not very often, but hey…feet of clay, you know?

But we can apologize to each other sincerely, forgive and understand, accept apologies without celebrating victory and expecting prostration by the “defeated”. There is no “Well, I’m sorry, but you (insert counter-accusation here).” There is no “I’m sorry if you’re so sensitive/you can’t take a joke/you can’t take criticism…” Quite the opposite of the role modeling I had, so I count that as an achievement on my part as a parent – and certainly a testament to his character as a person as well.

the nicest weekend with My Man. He came over late Friday, I made dinner, we took a walk, watched a movie, next morning we went to the firing range all day with friends and then out to sushi with them, on Sunday we had a late breakfast/early lunch overlooking the ocean, went for a quick one-hour hike and really good conversation, went back and had iced tea and shared some cheesecake and more good conversation, again looking over the ocean, tootled around a bit.

I like those kinds of weekends.

“I love you” to my mother. I do love her, but I have a hard time breathing when I have to say it out loud to her.

I’m wondering if somewhere down inside I see saying those words as putting me into a vulnerable position, and since I have learned to be on my guard with her at all times, saying the words are like showing her a chink in my armor. Or maybe it’s hard to say I love you to someone who is not genuinely willing to listen and resolve problems, who sees every attempt at opening a dialogue as an assault and goes on the attack. Maybe it’s a big, bloody pile of violently severed conversations that I feel pressing on my chest every time I say, “I love you.”

Salad, wine, Italian (chicken) sausage and peppers (and onion) cooked on the grill, plus giant shrimp for him. Then he asked if I’d ever cooked apples over a grill, which I had not. He does this when he’s camping. So we had those with a little vanilla ice cream. Curled up on the couch together and watched a little TV until I conked out.

Those kinds of evenings are nice.

1. Seem to be finding more ways to spend pleasant times with my mother, and yet still keep boundaries delineated so that I am not leaving openings for attack. We’ve had two nice dinners together, including one on my birthday.

2. I fall into the trap of being Nice much of the time. I am getting better and better about not doing that, such as this weekend when the hotel accidentally assigned someone else to our hotel room and I was in the shower when they waltzed in. (My Man wasn’t there, he had run out to do an errand). I wasn’t Nice when I poked my head out of the bathroom door and told him to leave right now (poor guy was confused as hell), and I was understanding – but – not – Nice to the young woman at the counter who made the mistake. And I made sure we were compensated.

3. Anyone who has known me on here long enough knows what my greatest fear is. And yet I overcame Abject Terror and went sea kayaking this weekend. It was one of my surprise birthday gifts from My Man. We went out with our sons (plus another couple and guides) – way out, like a 1/4 mile from shore in these teeny tiny little kayaks. At sunset. Which, as any true selachophobe knows, is prime feedin’ time! But I did it and it was absolutely wonderful and beautiful and I didn’t feel scared once. (It was twice, but only very briefly.) I highly recommend it!

I typed a big long rant here about what a horrible p-- my ex can be, but I am trying very hard not to do that anymore, so I deleted all of the gory details, but sometimes for your own survival you just really need to say

WHAT A F-ING P--!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARGHHHHHHHHHH!#$%^&^&*()(*&^%$$%^%$#@@@#$#@!!!!!!!!!

(And a few of you ladies out there as well…you know who you are.)

Make a note.

Tonight, go to your woman. Say, “Take off all of your clothes and lie down on the bed.” She may act surprised, make a joke, or say, “What is the meaning of this?” Tell her gently, “Trust me. Just do it.”

Turn off the bedroom lights. Ask her to roll over onto her stomach. She will not be able to see what you are doing. Get a bottle of good body lotion (perhaps with a natural, not perfumey scent) and give her a massage. On her back. On her arms. On her legs. Don’t forget her feet and hands. Nice, long, soothing, sensual strokes. Get all of the tension out of her back and shoulders. No talking, just soothing.

She may think that you are expecting something in return, and will be thoroughly surprised when you say quietly, “Whenever you’re ready to get up you can go take your shower/a warm bath.” Or pull the covers up, give her a kiss, touch her hair, and walk away.

It’s a nice way to show your woman how you feel about her.

My Man and I have been dating for a year and a half now. We’ve been exclusive since June. I usually do not let him stay the night when my son is here, though I made two exceptions: 1. New Year’s Eve, I didn’t want him on the road with all the drunks (he has a 30 minute drive home on a dangerous road), and 2. Very recently, my son had some friends over and a lot was going on until very late in the night. My bf was here, too, helping with feeding boys and setting up video games and such. The boys were very involved with each other, and it was very late, and we just went to bed upstairs and, yes, slept.

My son says he knows D. stays over and that he sleeps in my room, so what is the difference if D. stays over when he’s there or not? (Those are his words.)

Sometimes I think we’ve been together long enough that it should be something we can start easing into, and other times I do worry about the impact on my son. My parents divorced when I was young and they were much more quick and open about new boyfriends/girlfriends staying the night. (I’m not talking revolving door, it was people that they were going to be dating for at least a few months or even a few years.) I know I would get attached to their boyfriends/girlfriends, and then they would be gone. I’ve been very clear with my son that D. and I care about each other a lot, that he is a very good person, and that we are committed to trying to make this a relationship that works; but also that there are no guarantees in any relationship, and there may come a point when it doesn’t work and we will no longer be together.

He’s also old enough, too, to know about the “private” aspects of an adult relationship. My personal opinion for me (not for you, Dear Readers…if there are any of you left after this long ramble) is that I don’t feel the need to wait until marriage for intimacy (I was already married for a very long time, so I’m not rushing back into it now), but I also am not into casual sex. For me, that comes with a relationship that appears that it will be around for a while at least. He knows that D. and I dated for several months before the first time he stayed over. (This was all part of several conversations my son and I have had, some initiated by him and some by me. I try to answer his questions without sharing too much that is beyond his maturity level.)

Hmmmmm, that’s a very long and convoluted post. Not sure I’m even looking for advice, really. Just typing thoughts that have been rolling around in my head…

So my son pulled a sleepover ambush on me. What I mean is, he said he was inviting his friend over to play video games, and when the friend’s mom dropped him off, she asked, “So what time should I pick him up in the morning?”

?!

I got punk’d.

Enneehoooooo…

He and his friend are sitting in the living room, laughing like crazy as they annihilate each other on the TV screen. My son reaches for the sausage-flavored Pringles Simon sent and says to his friend, “Want some? They’re sausage Pringles from England.” His friend said, astounded, “They have Pringles in England?”

Don’t know why, but I thought that was kinda funny.