visit my mom's grave

My mom died suddenly 18 mos. ago. It was winter and too cold to put in the headstone at the time. I attended the funeral but have not been back since the stone has been placed there. I live across the country from where she’s buried but I will get there.

I went through really bad depression when my mom first passed away 1 yr and 10 mts ago. I’ve been once about a week after that and that was only because my dad made me. I never wanted to go but now i think i’m ready. I want to go.

I went back home, for yet another funeral. My best friend’s mother passed away, a bit sudden. I was glad to be heading back home though, knowing that I would get the opportunity to see mom’s grave and all. I knew it would be hard because it was the first time going back but what made it worst of all is that the house I grew up in with Mom and Grandma and grandpa was sold to the state. They are expanding the highway, so they were going to tear it down anyhow. I had planned on sneaking on the property, taking some window frame to make me a picture frame or something… anything. I needed a piece of that house. Something for the memories. Well, when I got there it was just an empty lot. They had torn it down the week before. The WEEK before. Not even a piece of grass. I walked the property, scoping to find anything. I managed a few shabby pieces of shingles. Then to my surprise, in the far corner of the property line, the Spring plants were coming up. I don’t know if they were peonies or begonias, but I remember how they always bloomed so big and full! Grandpa had planted them when I was a teen and each year they came back prettier and plentiful. My sister and I went to Walmart and bought some little shovels. We had no idea what we were doing. We dug them up best we could, just a few of them. I took them home and planted them in a container. About six of them will maybe make it. I am praying they will as it is the only piece of the place left and it means so much to me.

We visited mom’s grave. It had settled a lot and was a bit uneven. We put flowers and decorations on her stone. Sis lit her a cig and stuck it in the ground, and we poured her favorite “Pepsi” into the ground. Yeah.. tradition. And before we left, we dug a bit of the dirt from her plot, put it in a baggie and gave to my friend who is going to Hawaii in October. Mom always wanted to go. My friend will sprinkle that dirt in Hawaii. Leave a piece of her there….

I wish I could hear her voice. The “before she was sick” voice, before the cancer invaded. Love ya Mom.

Its really hard for me to do this. My mom left my life when I was a teenager and I have had a pretty rough time visiting her grave.
I really need to do this!

It’s been two years since we buried mom. I haven’t been back to the graveyard since then. Over 500 miles away, makes it even harder. She was so diligent about keeping her mother’s gravesite nice, she visited it daily while her health was good, brought flowers, talked. I miss her in ways I never imagined.