feel alive

with gas prices these days, i’m not going anywhere for a vacation. But I feel that it’s long due that I feel alive again. How? i think I need to challenge my most inner fears. Not sure what that would be, probably something todo with fear of failure one way or another.

but it might return to my list.

I like the world so very much.

You know those Diesel Fuel For Life commercials where a lady/man says Are you alive? They did a shitty thing to me. I wonder who made them. They’re brilliant. Like they were made for me. No, I’m not going to buy those products, because I’m smart enough to know they’re not going to make me feel any more alive.

But sometimes I still wonder if it would do something psychologic to me. (I guess it wouldn’t work if I was aware of what I was doing, though! Pity.)

Well okay, it would just make me miserable.

Damn, I’m taking this life way too seriously. It’s just life! Nothing more! It’s just all you’ve got!

I drifted the avenues
collecting wishes and boredom.
Counting pennies
along chianti corners;
lingering at the old horns
and the pianos,
but only in the darkness
can I hear you.

tell me to write something
to give an impression
of my worth.
if the value of a person is
measured by others,
who shall I ask?
my bedroom gets smaller
and darker each day;
tell me a lie if you must,
for God speaketh not.

I think feeling alive takes on many differant forms and shapes for many differant people. To be alive and to feel alive requires that you be true to yourself and forget about all the things that you have become a slave to. The freedom to live and to be alive is often a very strong and unique character trait unfortunatley for those that possess this trait, it often becomes very easy to get disillusioned and caught up in the rigors of everyday life. You must look deep inside of yourself and discover what it is that makes you tick. What makes you smile, and what makes you feel as if you are on the top of the world. Explore the aspects of your life from the standpoint of heart, mind, body, and soul and find those things that make your heart sing. For me as I am sure it is with others part of the journey is the aquisition of knowledge. For without knowledge and learning you may never learn of the things that make your heart sing. You may not be able to escape your bondage easily, however each small step you take will allow your soul to grow another feather on it’s journey to flight.

For most of my life I am able to feel alive or to feel the zest of living. For those times that I don’t feel alive and feel as if I am a slave to my surroundings I must remember to focus on the things that allow me to soar. It is a goal that must be constantly feed or your zest for life slowly dies. I also find that as I progress through this life the things that bring me happiness and contentment change based upon my previous journey. I also find that the things that allow my soul to soar are those that are in their most simplest form; however the journey to be able to take joy in the simple things is often complex as you must first learn to escape that which binds you.

Sometimes I don’t know why I have this goal, as I have this goal as well. They both aim to being happier, since I’m mostly happy when I feel alive and I feel alive when I’m happy.

Back to business.

This sounded way better when I thought about this last night before I fell asleep. I just happen to love the world. I think it’s great that I’m here and able to go through the things that take place in living creatures’ lives. It’s amazing to live.

I’ve lost interest in almost everything.
I want to feel alive.
I just don’t know how to.

Lately I feel like I’m not even here. I’m just doing things the same every day and getting by. When I get stressed I give up. when I’m around people I fake my laughs to keep the engery flowing. And yet I don’t feel it myself. It’s like I’m stuck behind a window watching life pass me by! I’m young. i am so young and I know it. I should be having a lot more fun. But the most exciting thing I’ve done all month was watch a stupid movie or sleep an extra ten hours.

That’s all I do anymore. sleep, eat, go online or watch a movie. I don’t get out and when I do it’s short-lived because when I get back home I’m back to this same dead feeling.

All I want is to feel alive. And I’m going to do that even if it takes near death to feel it. I can’t wait to escape this. I’m ready for something more.

i know i’ve felt alive before but what scares me is the doubt that i will ever again. i guess something inside me has died because everything i do, i do for the purpose of getting that task out of the way. it’s even happening when i’m hanging out with my boyfriend or at a party with my friends. i do work to get it done and just do more the next day. i put on a happy face around people to pacify them and keep up the image of a happy person that they would want to be around. but i’ve lost my motivation for even pretending so i’d really like to find the real thing.