kiss him again

and texted me “Just landed in Mumbai. You’re my first text.”

he told me he has a date on Thursday! So much for him not wanting a relationship…

I’m so glad I kept this in “given up goals” and haven’t kept resurrecting it everytime I feel like this is something I want to do.

and I think that probably I am hoping that it will develop into a relationship and that is why I am considering it. Like if I sleep with him he’ll magically fall in love with me.

I don’t know.

I am seeing him on Saturday, when discussing what we should do and where to go, he texted me that I had to choose from A, B or C and wouldn’t tell me anything else. I picked A, which he said was getting a hotel and having lots of sex! So I told him he shouldn’t say that when he told me he isn’t interested, he corrected me and said he is interested, just not in a relationship. We talked about how we felt, now I am not sure what to do.

It is very easy to flirt with him as I have been there and done that already. But I am not sure how I would feel this time around, being older, wiser and knowing that sex now involves emotions for me. He asked for a photo and I sent one because I knew he thought I wouldn’t. I know I have a great body and having danced means a state of undress doesn’t necessarily mean the same thing to me as it does to other people. But perhaps it was stupid of me to do that when he is the other people. But if I only did it to tease him, I have the power, right?

Perhaps I should remind myself of the title of this (abandoned) goal, that by kiss I meant feel cherished by him and did not mean only have sex.

Hadn’t heard from him for 2 weeks and then he texts on Valentine’s day saying he was going to a rugby match and how was I. Grr!

And anyway, why would I want to be with someone who has not only been banned from driving twice, but has just picked up 6 more points on his licence? I’m not sure I’d even get in a car with him, let alone want a future with him.

I must learn to be more discriminating and respect myself more.

I am giving up. Talking to him today made me see that he is a businessman and I’m an artist, he is a workaholic and I’m a free spirit. I originally thought that our personalities would complement each other very well, he needs to relax more and I need grounding and I thought we could balance each other. But I was wrong, as although I can understand him (even if I don’t always agree), he can’t see where I am coming from at all. And in fact he made me feel a bit crap about myself.

I sent him a message quoting some of the nice things he said to me and asking him to clarify my confusion and tell me that he has in fact changed him mind since writing them. We agreed to be honest and I need to know for sure for closure.

Edit: his reply.

Re your note above, I am very confused.I have not changed my mind about anything, I love spending time with you, however like I said before I am only in the place for friends with anyone at the moment and I am enjoying doing different things with different people. I don’t want a relationship, i want to have fun and enjoy myself with people I feel comfortable with. I am afraid thats all I have to offer at the moment

So J called me to arrange meeting on Sunday and said something so completely outrageous that I am now certain I will never achieve this goal and will just have to get over him. After him being keen and everything, to him saying he is scared to get hurt, I thought he might just need some time. But today he came out with this gem:

“I’m really enjoying being single. Just think Lucy, if I had a girlfriend, I wouldn’t be able to see you.”

And I was speechless, wanting to say, “But if I was your girlfriend, you could see me ALL THE TIME!!!!”

But I didn’t, as it seemed glaringly obvious to me and if he couldn’t see this then we’re obviously not on the same wavelength.

AARGHH.

Never gonna happen.

until the day I can see him again. It will be a long time from now, but my lips can wait for that special kiss.