Remember the good memories about my nana

My Big mama used to say
“When it comes to giving, better more than less” It sounds better in Sindhi but it still holds and if I’m ever considered Generous, she gets the credit for those times.
My stinginess of course is my fault :) .

I remember a time when we were sitting around a table playing cards and I started singing to myself (I still do that sometimes). The song was Khabi Khabi , its about someone singing about his love. So my Grand mom goes playfully
we should find him a girl so he can sing to her (I must have been 12 at the time) I am so sure I blushed but I still remember the way she smiled , you could see it in her eyes.
I find very few women that can smile in their eyes :) .
Everytime I hear this song in some way I can still see her smiling at me.

My childhood had many reasons to make me sad (nothing I want to go into) but Big mama would make it all right with Chocolate.
She would save me an extra one and hide from the other grand children and give it just to me.
Okay I know this may not really be the case and it wasn’t so much that I got more chocolate than others that made me feel good. She saw I was hurting and tried to fix it with Chocolate.
That’s what counts.
I give chocolates for similar reasons, I want to brighten someone’s day. And everytime someone’s eyes light up cause of the chocolate, I see the old me in them and I remember my big mama :).

I used to hang around the kitchen when my grand mother was cooking. Especially fun were days when she had the entire house staff in the kitchen cooking (usually for Langar where people cook to feed the entire temple of people).
She would conduct it like an ochestra but still put her hand in every task.
She had a saying that works better in Sindhi but translates to
“You have to have a hand in cooking, cause how the food comes out has more to do with how you feel than what you mix in it.” The word hand here serves as a double meaning (it does in they way she said it in Sindhi.
It means you physically do the task but also that you have a talent for it.
Kinda hard to explain but still The kitchen was a great memory.
Recently when I started missing my Big Mama, I started teaching myself how to cook. I like what comes out of the process but more importantly I like the way I feel when I’m in the Kitchen.

that’s what we called her

Well last night my nana passed away. When we saw her it was a relief to see her so peaceful compared to all the other times we had seen her. The nurses told us it wouldn’t be long before she went so we stayed with and held her. I like to think she could hear and feel us holding her hand so she wasn’t alone. But just watching her gradually breathing less and less until she had finally gone was peaceful in a way as we knew she didnt go in pain, she just fell asleep and never woke up. That moment took away all the bad times we’ve seen her and I’ll never forget it. I’m just happy that shes not suffering no more.

I’ve always been close to my nana and shes always given me everything spoilt me rotten! Now shes dying shes got lung cancer and in a way ts like we’ve lost her already because shes not the same person anymore. Over the past month or so all the good memories have just been replaced with how she is now and its so sad I don’t want my memories of her to be like this. I want to remember ‘my nana’ and not the nana now. I love her to pieces and always will and now I need to stop thinking about the bad things now and remember all the good things. The only sad thing about that is that it makes me want her back so much as t all came as such a shock that she was dying it just kind of happened and her confusion came on quite quick.

There are so many things I could think of but they are all stuck in the back of my mind. I need to find them and keep my real nana alive even when shes gone.

(I love you nana forever and always xxx)