forgive myself for being who I am.

So I finally admitted out loud how much I don’t like who I am, pretty much everything, the way I act, my lack of dedication to many things including work, school, and weight loss. Mainly weight loss, I think. I subconsiously set myself up for failure and then hate myself when I fail.. something my boyfriend said in not so many words, but he’s right. I think. I try not to think about any problem that I might have, but ignoring it isn’t the answer and I need to at least start thinking about things, so I can face them and hopefully change into someone I like.

sort of cruel when I read it on my list, but it’s not really. I have no particular hatred for myself. On the contrary, I am my very own lovely and wonderful best friend. I love who I am: my depth, my soul, my unquenchable thirst for ideas.

And yet, I spend way too much time comparing myself to others with negative result. The reason isn’t that I don’t like myself, but when I am out in public I sort of don’t know how to be. You know? Everything is great when I’m on my own – except that I don’t want to spend my whole life with just my own company.

No, this isn’t coming out right. I have a quite social life actually. I live in a very close-knit community and I have people around constantly. I love that. But still I spend way too much time comparing myself to others, especially about my looks and social skills. I guess it’s just that I feel a lot of pressure to be something that I cannot be – more bubbly, more cheerful, more together. Instead I’m the intense, moody, complicated, chronically meloncholy one. I don’t mind, exactly, but I feel like such a failure for my failure to connect more intimately with people.