make peace with my father

he’s difficult and unyielding (though he’d never agree! :)

i’ve tried so many times and so many ways to smooth our communications, but nothing seems to work. i have resigned myself to maintaining peace, though my real goal is for us to interact in a truly harmonious way.

...although making peace has more turned into a ‘getting to know my father.

Since entering this goal, life has really happened in my little family. One child became two children (Nov ‘06). Happy families became single mum with two babies (Mar ‘07), and in all this my father has just been there for me.

I couldn’t ask for anything more. He has turned into a gentle old man, whose last few years should be spent with his grandchildren – not ripping up old wounds that, when all is squared out, are really best left alone to heal after all.

I am still sad that, back then, he wasn’t there for me. However, over the past year he has truly compensated for that absence, and more importantly than making peace with my father, I am ready to forgive him.

I therefore wish all of you all the best with this goal.

I consider mine reached…...
Lise

I made peace with him about 3 years ago. I learned to accept that he does not love. My sisters helped me learn this. They knew it long before I did. So, perhaps really I made peace with my hopes and expectations. I do not need to be loved by him to have made peace with him. He has been broken – by life? I don’t know. His is a sad and lonely life, and I pity him and respect his choices of pushing everyone away. Perhaps that is what peace is. Accepting the truth as it presents itself. I am glad to know how to love and to have had an example of how not to love.

The last time I saw and spoke to my farther i was an ignorant little 8 year old that didn’t understand why her daddy got up and left. After about 10 years now that he’s dying. He feels the need to talk to me and my sisters. I’ve written many letters to him, but they never seemed to reach the mailbox. My dad is dying now and won’t be here next year, but I can’t swallow my pride and say “I forgive you”

i think its time to throw away the hurt and hatred i have from my childhood. i’ve learned that things happen for a reason, so its only fair to say my father left for a reason. i don’t know what that reason is yet, but i wouldn’t mind finding out. i’ve held so many grudges against him since i was young, and i need to let them go. he’s still my father whether he’s around or not.

My father passed away on Thursday after being in a coma for 6 days (he had a serious accident and head injury). I told him what I needed to say and made peace with him. I believe that he heard everything I had to say and that he’s with the Lord now, waiting for me to get there. We are right with each other now.

When I became a parent I slowly (very slowly) came to realize than my father was not just a parent, but also a human being. He was flawed and damaged and had been hurt very badly as a child. He had done his very best as a parent. It was sad, for both of us, that he wasnt able to give me the love I needed as a child. He had loved us in the only way he knew how, by providing a better life than he had, by taking care of us and making sure we were safe.
Once I “got” this I reached out to him and told him I loved him and gave him a hug every time I saw him. It was strange for all of us but after a while it got easier.
Now, years later, he is my best friend, truly, and I love him for who he is.

My dad was an awesome father to me and my sister when we were young but he turned out to be a not-so-great husband and left my mother for another woman three years ago (he had been cheating on her for a year and a half). We have not seen him since. He has made contact with my sister and I on Christmas and our birthdays consistently, but that’s pretty much it.

My dad wants us to “accept” that he deserves to be happy, but it’s made me sad that he feels its ok to be happy at the expense of my mother, my sister, and myself. He drug my mother through a nasty divorce (they were married 27 years and were childhood sweethearts) and tried to get out of his financial responsibilities to my sister and my mother, who was a stay-at-home mom while he climbed the corporate ladder.

For the most part I have forgiven him and let him go (it was strange getting married and not having him there, but it was the right thing for everyone), but I realize that one day I will have to face him (my sister’s college graduation is coming up in May and he will probably try to be there). He is very unpredictable and for lack of a better term – a liar. He got remarried to his mistress in November and did not (and still has not) bother to tell me or my sister. My sister is younger than me and has borne the brunt of emotional wear and tear because she got four less years with him than I did.

Right now he and I are at an impass. The conversations we have are the same every time. He insists that I’m being stubborn and just need to move on with my life and I remind him that he lied to us all and then abandoned ship - not just on my mom but on his daughters. He refuses to take responsibility for what he’s done and yet expects us to treat him with respect and obedience because he’s “our father and will always be” - all without the courtesy of a sincere apology. I do not see myself ever having a relationship with him again but I want to be able to face him. I guess that’s not really making peace, but it’s all I can hope for at this point. It’s all just a mess. Sometimes I wonder who that man was all those years…did I ever really know him? Did any of us?

I am a 32 year old female. Throughout my childhood, my father (71) worked hard, and travelled loads. Something he’d agreed with my mother, who never worked – aside from looking after my sister and me.

When I graduated College, I moved abroad for 7 years, and have subsequently never gotten to know my father well – meaning we are by no means close – but other than that – we have a very good relationship, over all. We now live within a shy 1 hour drive from one another, seeing each other several times per month.

Last year, I had my first child. This, sadly, coincided with my father being taken ill, and hospitalised for 8 weeks. It really wore him out, and he has started showing signs of ageing, really fast.

He has also stated that, he feels ashamed for not taking the time to be with me when I was younger, and not taken proper time to get to know my son. For many years I recented him for not being there for me, and he knows this, and this is where my goal comes in.

I have decided to give my father peace of mind, in order that he can settle into his old age without guilt or shame. I want him to know and accept that the past is the past, and that we should be able to forgive and forget, before it is too late.