stay single

Relationship-news from unexpected fronts make me feel weird. Today I was informed that one of my guy friends has found a girlfriend and it feels… strange. The fact that people around me are slowly pairing up kind of actualised in his news – I had never really paid attention to it. Now that I think of it, it’s rather weird, because two of my friends are already married/engaged and have children, another one is going to move in with her boyfriend on the other side of Finland… so many commitments, such deep bonds.

I don’t envy them because I’d want a similar life, I… it just makes me feel a little lonely, to be honest. I’ve all but given up on meeting anyone ‘special’, even though others still have faith in me finding someone too, one day.

I don’t know what I’m talking about here. I guess, the two years I’ve known him, he hasn’t dated anyone and I kind of got used to him being single and… now he’s not. Nothing has changed, I know, we’ll still be friends and all but it just feels strange. And I’m not jealous, there’s nothing like that between us, we’re just friends. :) I wonder who’ll be next to tell me they’ve found someone…

I’m not built for relationships. I can’t live with anyone else but myself, I can’t share myself and my life. Hell, I don’t even want to be with anyone. The only function a relationship would have in my life, would be having an unlimited source of attention and control over someone. I’ve been thinking about this a while now, always too timid to admit it to myself, but it’s a fact; forming emotional bonds is very difficult, almost impossible, for me. I do like a lot of people and if they’re happy it makes me happy, too, and I am interested in what’s going on in others’ lives but… I don’t feel a need to be around any of my friends, or my family, or anyone. I can go weeks, even months, without knowing what’s going on with some of my friends – and it doesn’t bother me one bit.

I’m not built for commitments. I don’t know how to explain this. The thing is, it’s very tiring to notice, day after day, how no-one sees the world the same way I do. In ordinary life it’s not a problem at all, quite the contrary, but how could I ever share myself and my life if the other person doesn’t understand me? In this case opposites do not perfect each other. It feels very unlikely this situation would change or that I could some day meet a person with a similar mind as mine plus build an emotional bond with the said person. I’ve already met a couple of people whose minds seemed to work quite similarly as mine; there’s just no deeper bond, merely an intellectual connection.

The thought of being single for ever doesn’t sadden or distress me, it actually fills me with happiness and tranquillity. Talk about a drama-free existence. If only I didn’t have the desperate need to still try, just in case I’d get proven wrong. I’m clinging on to delusions here, and I’m slowly starting to realise it. How could anyone else prove me wrong anyway, surely I’m the one who knows myself the best? I could have such a happy and fulfilling life if I just let go of these silly thoughts of keeping my eyes open just in case.

There is still so much to do, but at least this goal has a purpose again, something I can work towards.

I wonder how I always end up in situations like these. First there is nothing for months, and now I find myself confused again. Because of men.

There’s J who works for the same company, in a different department though, I met up with him today and he seems like a very nice man. Then I met N yesterday when I was in a bar with a friend, and N is someone who… I find very attractive. (he actually reminds me of a former ‘boyfriend’ a little, don’t know how messed up that is) The thing is, both of them, J and N, can’t be classified as ‘boys’ or even ‘guys’ anymore, they’re men. (well, not too old, 30-something) And… well, there’s a bit of an age difference there, and I can’t help but think that it can’t be anything but a hindrance.

I exchanged phone numbers with N, and it rather felt like there was some kind of a connection between us, and I swear, I’m attracted to him – or at least I was last night. Now I don’t know what to do with him. I’m sceptic, why would he contact me, he’s so much older than me, and if I don’t hear from him, should I just let it be? In a way I’d be interested in seeing how things could go between us, and if nothing else, it’d be nice to have him as a friend. How long should I wait, and should I contact him at all? Would it seem desperate?

And then there’s J. I had fun with him, though at times it was a bit hard to find a topic to talk about but that was just because we don’t know each other yet. I was quite sure he was interested in me even before I went to meet him today, and well, yes. The thing is, I don’t really feel the same way about him. I can’t resist attention, desire pulls me in, but I fear I might raise expectations more than I should. I’m so bad at letting anyone down, not because I don’t want to hurt anyone, it’s more because… well, it’s all that desire and attention. A completely new source, it’d be foolish to let it go right away…

You men. You make ordinary life so much more difficult. I don’t want to run after you, and I’m quite sure you don’t want that either, but how do I know when you’re interested and when you’re not? Exchanging numbers isn’t a promise anymore, so… why is it so difficult?

this is a real challenge because i feel like for me being in a relationship when i’m not ready or the other person is wrong for me
happens all too often.

i will not make any special efforts with any guy.

i’m always very nice, and that gets me in bad situations because then i fall for the guy that won’t commit to me, and uses me.

relationships for me have been more heartbreak than i can bear. i mean it was good while it lasted. but they didn’t last. and i have to remember not to settle anymore, that i’m worth more than the way they treated me.

there is someone out there who will love me for everything i am.
and until then,
i’m absolutely FREE and SINGLE

no more relationships can hold me down

So I think last night I was presented with something that will almost assuredly keep me single for quite some time:

I was asked to be the mistress of the gentleman with whom I had the affair.

Sure, it seems like I’d already be the “mistress,” wouldn’t it? I did all the typical mistress things: we met in a seedy motel for a night of sex and I paid attention to him and then he went home to his wife. But what this man is talking about is a different sort of relationship. I suppose a good word for what I’ll be is “girlfriend”...but my “boyfriend” is married to a woman who knows about me. According to the rules, he and I will both be required to ask permission before engaging in relationships with others, and if permission is granted then it must be disclosed to the third party our relationship.

If I want to sleep with Hairboy, i.e., I would first ask permission from [I guess I need to come up with a nickname for him STAT] If he allowed it, I would go back to Hairboy and say, “I’m in a relationship, but my partner agrees that I can sleep with you.”

I’m not sure if I’m explaining this well, and all of this might change in time. HOWEVER, what a great way to ensure that I’ll be single for however long I choose to be pseudoinvolved with this man! There are few men I’ve been out with who seem capable of even processing this sort of arrangement, much less who would be comfortable peripherally engaging it.

I’m sure it seems strange that I’ve adopted this goal in light of my other goals: go on at least one date per month and explore my sexuality. However, I would like to explain that my sexual and emotional morals do not dictate that I must be in a relationship to have sex, nor must I enter ito relationships with the men I date. Dating is about all I can handle and all I care to handle at this point in my life. I love being young, single and selfish…but I also love dating and sex.

I’ve made a discovery concerning myself. It is something I’ve been aware of for some time already but I was never sure enough to fully believe my insights. Now, however, I’m certain. And I feel… so light-hearted and free.

Now take a moment to read this caption.
“This is how love was, now: Arnold sat and imagined he was being observed tenderly from an unapproachable distance by Amanda. She was everywhere and nowhere at once, watching him, as he sat here smoking on his beach, or whistling a tune in the shower, or listening to a lecture in class on the evils of Evolutionary Psychology. No matter where he went or what he did, Amanda was with him, and this sense of being observed, even as he slept, produced in Arnold a constant, consuming exhilaration from which there was no relief.
Not that he sought relief. In fact, he reveled in the excitement of love as only a teenager can, scrawling page after page of poetry in Amanda’s honor, sending hundreds of messages to her phone every day (which she never replied to, thankfully, because to have real contact with her, to start an actual dialogue, would ruin everything, and this was understood intuitively by Arnold and all the kids he knew).” (caption from God Is Dead by Ron Currie Jr.)

I wouldn’t go quite as far as Arnold in that caption, and my ‘love’ could only be described as a crush but otherwise, my thoughts are exactly like that. And this is the way my crushes work: the excitement, the suspension, even the pain it sometimes causes, they’re all gone the moment there is an actual contact between me and the other person involved (aka the object of the crush). The magic is ruined and gone, and then there’s just reality.

I don’t mean to say that getting to know someone for real is a bad thing, of course not, but when my crushes have no other basis than the imaginary world I’ve created for them, then they die when the image dies – when dreams get their wings clipped off by reality.

I used to be very sensitive about this, it would give me severe physical (not to mention mental) pain for days on end, and recovery was slow. As I’ve become more and more aware of myself and my self-esteem has increased tremendously, ‘getting over’ has become much easier. I don’t wallow in self-pity anymore, I don’t call myself stupid for letting myself indulge in dreams that were doomed right from the beginning. And, most importantly, I don’t think real life is unfair for being something else than my (day)dreams.

Crushes are crushes, and nothing more, and that’s good; how dull would life be if there weren’t these spikes of excitement from time to time? Remember that young man I’ve mentioned a couple of times, who works next to me, who is really cute? Yes, well he’s in a relationship. You’d think that was when I realised everything I’ve written thus far, but no, actually it all came to me before I learned he was taken. It was the moment I sent him a message on Facebook (just to ask how he was, nothing very interesting :)). Of course I didn’t realise it then, but that was the moment when reality took over imagination. It got real, and now I feel like I had been blindfolded before. Sure he’s cute, I would never deny that, but would I really want to be more than friends? No. I bet he’s a great guy, and I’m a great girl, but that’s about it. I was never interested in him particularly, I was just intoxicated by the idea of having a crush on someone.

Why I’m writing all this, is because this is the first time that I’ve really felt only positive vibes about everything concerning the matter; I’m not disappointed at all that he’s taken – I bet he’s happy and that’s great, I don’t feel stupid for daydreaming – at least it kept me busy for a while ;), it wasn’t painful at all to ‘accept’ the reality of things. And I don’t feel down, at all.

Stupid stupid stupid, someone please tell me it’s perfectly normal colleague-behaviour (even though technically we’re not colleagues and he isn’t obliged to notice me in any way) to greet me the way described here? But it could also be something else, right?

Ah, I knew I shouldn’t have started talking about this with a colleague… Now she got me imagining things again. Aww damn.

There had always been a different kind of thing between B. and me. We have been hanging together for over a few months.

But things have changed and I decided to never go to his place and do those things again.

Infact, When I decided to break up with him, I realized that he’s not even mine.

He fucking hurted the little girl inside of me.

I didn’t deserve it. No, I didn’t.

^{Being fuckbuddy thing is not gonna work out for me…}

Ah, this is pathetic. But I want to get this out of my mind, I need to write it down in plain and simple words, with no hidden meanings. Maybe then I can come to terms with it and let go.

There is a guy at work whom I find very attractive. Well, actually he doesn’t work for the same company that I do, but we kind of work side by side, because his workplace is right next to where I work. Anyway, he is very good looking and has such delicious brown eyes that I think I could dive into them. Funny thing is, I don’t think I would have paid much attention to him if he hadn’t started greeting me each time we’d be working at the same time. I don’t even remember how it started, I don’t think I even realised it at first but nowadays… it really makes my day a bit better if he’s at work and waves at me or greets me some other way. Now that I see it written down, it doesn’t seem nearly as special as it did on my mind. That’s a good thing, it’s a start.

Because the things is, my imagination is racing again, painting thoughts that will never happen. Somehow I’ve managed to think that his greetings are something more than just ordinary “hey we work next to each other, so ‘hi!’”. I don’t know how to explain, I’m not even sure if there is anything to explain but it’s like… this is going to sound so stupid but he waves at me or really looks me in the eyes and greets me, sort of like he “makes sure” to greet me every time. And he’s the only one that does that, none of his colleagues never say anything to me. I’m fully aware I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, this kind of thing always happens.

What makes this even worse, is that I’m quite sure he is taken and my thoughts seem so improper and dirty, like I was trespassing on something “pure”. All this makes me sad, because I wouldn’t want to think like this. I guess the first bliss is wearing down already, I’m not quite as smitten as I was at first (I dreamed about him two nights in a row – that was pretty worrying, luckily now my dreams have been about other things) but I still feel these thoughts are wrong. I wish I could get rid of them altogether, this is doing me no good. I’ve never felt like this before or thought that my imaginations were improper, this is new and I don’t know how to interpret it.

I feel like a fool, and laying it all, down like this I let you, too, see just how much of a fool I am but it doesn’t matter. This is the fastest way to get over it and get on with my life again. This is no reason to stop, no reason at all.