share stories of the intriguing and not so intriguing men that show up in my life

if he will come back from his trip to Michigan or not?

He has a pay-as-you-go cell phone and he ran out of minutes. He once told me if he was going to break up with me, he would just disappear and I wouldn’t be able to find him.

Interesting.

I am waiting.

I have been having some incredible experiences I don’t feel comfortable sharing here. Just wanted to share that they are happening.

:-)

‘Nuff said.

He sent a sweet email today after I emailed him about “my husband” (the actor portraying my character’s husband) in YCTIWY playing “my husband” again!

He said his one regret in YCTIWY was not giving “my husband” the boot.

Hey, maybe HE could play my husband again! I actually think he would be GREAT in this role… anyway!

Apparently he has been thinking about much of what we have talked about in the previous weeks and our in-person experiences are enjoying a bit of “early in the relationship renaissance”....

Even though we aren’t “doing” anything particularly earth-shattering, we are having a splendid time together.

Last night, for example, we saw the worst play I have seen in, maybe forever, but we salvaged the night with some singing and some drinking and some laughing and some amazing… intimacy.

He is remembering what I am saying, asking for… and the love is continuing.

We will see what happens next.

Could be anything.

starting, or continuing, to grate on me.

I think he is going to be away this weekend after being rather tortured about how he was going to get down here for the weekend, just HAVING! to see me before I leave for Flagstaff blahdy blahdy blah.

Tonight we haven’t spoken but have been exchanging texts that keep getting tangled up in goo of mixed and missed and scrambled texts.

I think he really doesn’t want to come here on a subconscious level, would appreciate a weekend of quiet, but he thinks I think he MUST come see me or something.

I am at the point of not caring, the point of “a weekend without him would be a blessing!” so I can focus on getting my kids to Flagstaff, leaving on Sunday afternoon rather than Monday morning, hanging out with Emma (alone) when she gets home from camp.

Just yesterday I thought he and I were breaking up (its been the ongoing story of our relationship) but I think its more like a communication glitch fest.

Ay. Tired of this.

I keep thinking “If I was free of Railroad Man, I could actually pursue Him and do things like talk to Roger again….” (Roger is a friend-formerly-more-than-a-friend who I really enjoy hanging out with occasionally but as long as I am with Railroad Man, forget that option!)

Anyway, I am going to try to reach RRMAN a couple times before I go to sleep.

A big part of me screams “WHY?!” but there is this weird, undeniable, visceral connection between the two of us.

So, I will call. And then sleep with the phone in my hand, like a sixteen-year-old.

Today I got two amazing things.

A Myspace comment from Him and a special preview of one of his writings from Him and I am feeling so very special because NEVER has he posted a Myspace message to me, even in response to a comment I made… and to share his writing with me? Another “Wow, I am in a special category from other people.”

Saturday night he came to our closing night, surprising us all, and I chatted it up with Him... but he didn’t come to BJ’s afterwards. Railroad Man was with me, and I wondered, a moment, if that was a deciding factor for him? I am probably reading too much into it.

OH, but we had great conversation and some deep eye contact… and as I have said so many times before my face doesn’t know what poker IS

So, today, I bid adieu to RailRoad man ‘til the weekend and am in a quandary ManWise.

RailRoad man clearly adores me. I have had oodles of fun with him, our relationship continues to deepen, but I am enjoying Him more and more lately and his version of reciprocation (or is it imagination on my part?) continues.

A group of us are adventuring up to Pine Mountain Club on July 5 and he invited us to stay overnight at his cabin. I wrote and asked him if he had a Deck because if he does, that is where I want to bunk.

Somehow talking about places to sleep with him felt like the ultimate flirt.

Ayyyyyyyyyyyy.

He friend requested me on Facebook.

This marks the first time He has made any sort of blatantly obvious forward move in my direction ever since he asked me to write a Soul Poem with/for him.

Interesting.

I had no poker face on at the cast party Sunday night. I imagine he read me like a book. (I had a moment when I had to restrain myself from leaning into him, completely. What a dork I am?)

Tonight was an interesting night. He didn’t make it to the show (he better tomorrow!) and afterwards, a bunch of my castmates went to Rileys, a local pub, where we danced and danced and danced.

There were five of us, one brave man. We all danced in a group. I had a blast, haven’t danced that long for a long time and had two soulful conversations in the interim, between dancing, so all in all – success.

My friend, Jennie, texted she was at Silver Fox so Julia, Carmen and I headed over there mostly to cool off and drink a non-alcoholic drink and head home.

The weird thing was, Jennie was there with a guy I dated very briefly in 2007. He apparently was staring at me pretty heavily at a recent poetry event, even though I was there (very obviously) with Tony so tonight was weird at Silver Fox.

I was glad Julia and I made a pact to leave quickly.

I have enjoyed being without a male companion this week, but… its weird, too – I have gotten used to having one, I suppose.

Meanwhile, Ken (Katherine and Emma’s Dad) has been a total jerk lately. With a Capital J, and I am trying to figure out what to do about it.

Oh well.

as soon as I said, “I haven’t” and “so surprising” a poem was born, from a compliment from a friend on Flickr…

See it here

Many of you know my stories of My Muse, now “The-Man-Formerly-Known-as-My-Muse” primarily because how can one muse from a silence stretching across 548 days?

Yes, after 548 days, David and I have seen each other the last two days, both visits lasting over 5 hours that felt like… maybe an hour and a half.

Highly satisfying, soul connected, sohbet-level-friendship.

I can’t put into words what I felt before we met again nor can I put into words what I feel now in relationship to this relationship, only that everything is different and everything is soulfully the same.

Probably the biggest surprise is not a single poetic word has been written, not a single photo has been taken. I am wondering if a part of my still-fragile-spirit hesitates in not wanting to feel the searing pain and blistering that I know is possible (probable, inevitable?) and if I hold back, if I steward my heart a bit….

Time will tell – and perhaps part of this holding back, this careful, deliberate shepherding… is that I don’t know how much time I have.

One thing is for certain. The time I have had, the time I have shared so far still fits within the parameters of “If this is all there is, is it enough?” (except, ofcourse, I do need to give up my second blue-lined conversation notebook, only last night I didn’t get that divine nudge I was looking for… maybe after the weekend is over.)