rebuild my body image

I have HATED how I look lately, especially in pictures. But I actually really like this one, taken at a wedding on 9/27/08. (I’m on the right.)

Doing yoga is also helping. I like feeling my muscles.

Lately as I’ve been on a crash diet, sort of, I’ve been paying a lot more attention to my body’s hungry and thirsty signals. I’d like to think (and I do think) that doing that makes me more likely to give my body what it wants when it wants something … and not cram it full of stuff it doesn’t want when it doesn’t want anything. I feel good about that.

I liked feeling my muscles work when I was on the treadmill today. Okay for positive body thoughts!

Boy, have the heavy steroid doses changed how I look. I have no hair, of course, but now I have a MOONface. I can’t wear necklaces, since I’m so swollen round the neck that nothing fits … and if it does, it looks like a string round a hambone. I laugh about it, and call it HamHead. My sister pets my babysoft and babythin hair and says I feel like a duck, and she calls me “Hammy”. Still and all, including water weight, I’ve gained about 25 pounds since starting the steroids. I’ve bought plenty of new tops lately, to make sure that I don’t feel like my clothes are too tight. Being comfortable is what’s important to me now – the idea of being comfortable in my own skin has been on my mind more and more, and there’s no reason I should be ashamed to have gained some weight – not only is overeating a pretty common stress reaction, at least three of my meds cause not only weight gain but stimulate appetite. It doesn’t mean that I should be overeating or that the weight gain is necessarily what’s best for my health … but it does mean that I can’t completely guilt myself to death for it. In any case, I’ve already made plans to join Curves with my mom (which will make me accountable, therefore likely to stick to it) and to establish some gentle yoga routines and/or treadmill walking once I am done working. Until then, I’m leaving my exercise plan in the drawer – my muscles are plenty sore from just my daily activities these days. But I do have a plan, and that alone is helping me accept how I look now. After all, I’m able to accept that I want to do something about the weight gain, so I’m able to accept the weight gain and the subsequent change in my looks. Even my terribly swollen steroid moonface.

I’ve been thinking of my body as a healing machine lately. A little breathing meditation (I don’t even know if it’s “meditation”, I just concentrate on my breathing and feel my lungs and body working together) has gone a long way with this. Maybe because it’s the lungs I’m trying to heal. I like thinking of my body as working well, instead of hating it because it’s gained fat or lost muscle. I am a walking health miracle right now, as are ALL cancer survivors at any stage of their cancer career, and it’s about damn time I stopped worrying about how my legs look in shorts and starting being thrilled to get shorts on and get out in the (cancer-causing, but what’s not?) sun.

When I first wrote this goal, I had gained a little weight because of stress eating and water retention as a side effect of steroids I took for chemo. At this point, I’ve lost that weight and probably gained it back again … ten or fifteen pounds, maybe. Whether or not I’ve gained it back yet doesn’t matter … since the enormous doses of steroids I’m on right now, plus doctor’s orders to do NOTHING at all pretty much guarantee that I will gain that and then some.

I’d like to sort of re-vision and re-purpose this goal to mean rebuilding my body image in a different way. I’d like to rebuild my image of my body as a valuable and sacred piece of my property and my person. I’d like to rebuild my thinking of it not as a thing I wish I could change but as a thing I enjoy taking care of and existing in a symbiotic and friendly relationship with. My first thought is some breathing meditations to get me going. Since I’m focusing on healing my lungs right now, it feels appropriate.

I’m glad summer’s here. I sorted out the winter stuff and stashed it away. Tried on all of last year’s summer stuff and if it didn’t fit, stashed it away, too, without even thinking about it. Summer means lots of skirts, which are easy to wear even as size changes up and down a little bit. And sandals! I did buy some new stuff, a few tank tops, a few nice t-shirts for work, and a few sweater things to wear over top that’ll make my camisoles look great. That should do for this year, anyway, and all of the new stuff fits nicely. Having my clothes fit better will definitely help with this goal.

I had another good mirror day the other day … which is surprising, given how down I am about what the scale said yesterday. All in all, I’ve gained about 15 pounds lately. Maybe closer to 10. Either way, I’m so unhappy about it. My clothes are getting tight-ish, and I hate how they look. Arrgh.

Every now and again, I used to look in the mirror and be SO happy with what I saw. It’s been ages … but it happened yesterday. Whoo!

Every time I look in the mirror, I feel incredibly fat. I’ve gotten so soft! Two more months of chemo … one month to kick the poison completely out of my system … and then, I have my life back. And hopefully, my exercise routine.