learn not to trust people so easily

that is who I am. Perhaps I have some problems with boundaries and maybe by seeing a therapist I will find some better way of dealing with that but right now, I am not going to learn how to not trust people. I am not in a place where I can make that change. There are so many other things that are more important to work on.

I have always trusted people, given them the benefit of the doubt, wore my heart on my sleeve, am candid and revealing about my life, my past, my present and my future. I can’t even begin to count how many times I have been stabbed in the back, had something thrown back in my face, words twisted and used to hurt me in some way or had some insensitive person comment or remark on an admission I have offered. I accept responsibility for that, I put it all out there. My question would have to be, Why? I am not sure if I am keeping good boundaries with people. Perhaps I am looking for something from them that is presumptuous of me. Friendship? Reciprocated trust? Acceptance? Somehow I always feel violated after this happens. I am hurt and amazed that the person has done whatever they did. It is always the same, I never saw it coming, I never expected it. Perhaps I am a bad judge of character. Maybe I need to take my freindships or acquaintances a little slower. I have a need that I am trying to fulfill I guess. A need for a best freind that I never really ever had. I long for that person that I can trust with all of my secrets. I once had the goal “be my own best friend” and that can work for some things but not this emptiness. I have always been a little akward with freindships, trying too hard, wanting too much, I have always felt a little like and outcast. I have more confidence know and more self-esteem and I have worked though some personal issues but there are obviously more. Like this trusting thing. I don’t know how to keep my boundaries. I don’t know how to move from a casual friendship to a deeper friendship without showing all of my hand, spilling the beans about my whole life, without trusting fully. I have never thought it to be a bad thing to trust so easily. I have always believed that there is not great love or great success without great risk. I end up getting hurt, that is the price. I guess I wonder when I will have that success? I wonder if maybe there is something wrong with me, my communication skills or if my expectations are too high. I don’t know. I wonder if I will ever get it right?

I look at the quote here on this page.

“If you would take, you first must give.”
- Lao-tzu

and know that I give more than enough, but is there such a thing as giving too much, or too soon? I wish I knew those boundaries a little better, maybe then I would have more success in friendships and other relationships.