Live into my Dream

I need to renovate my Dream. My ego has a constant thirst for looking good and it never gets enough of it. Even my goals are coloured by it. I’ve just realized this, or rather, I’m seeing it in full. It makes me sad that this Dream I had for myself was created out of a need to show off and be admired. I thought I was being genuine, but no. Now that I know this, I’ve stopped trying to make it happen.

I have to take a step back.

What do I really want? I thought I answered this when I dreamt my beautiful Dream for myself. So why am I staring at the first step again? I’m frustrated but not defeated. It means digging deeper, more silence and another burst of courage.

I’m constantly amazed at how much light can come out of darkness. Yesterday morning was awful. I woke up in a horrible mood. Emotions from the past was coming up and poking me with sharp sticks. Later that night I read about how we’re not our past or even the recurring thoughts that fill up out minds.

I’m not my past? All these nasty thoughts running through my consciousness are not me?

I instantly felt better. That I’m not my past, not any of the should’s that loop through my mind was freeing. In that space I was free to let go of the horrible morning. It brought up a question, though. A major question.

If I’m not my thoughts, then who am I?

I have a tendency to overdo the things I like. When I discovered the delicious organic spelt ginger cookies, I bought two bags and then fretted when I ran out but couldn’t get more because of the piles of snow blocking my way. When I discovered the Secret and the Law of Attraction, I almost went cross-eyed trying to bend my mind toward the positive.

Some things, though, need time and patience, pulling back and taking it easy is what it needs. Last night I had a moment where my whole body lived in the Dream that I have for myself. It was as if I was already there. It happened in a sudden stroke without any thought or preparation from me, it simply appeared, and I knew it. I felt lush, like falling into one of Renoir’s dreamy paintings. I touched it, tasted it, and felt it. That moment was so delicous that I want to be there always, but the more I tried to recreate that moment, the more elusive it became.

I think I’ll surrender it to the Universe and see what happens.

I don’t know what comes first, internal change or outer change. Maybe they happen at the same time – one urges the other on. As I excavate all my personal dark places, adding light to my fears and negative spaces, my home is becoming brighter too. While I type this, I’m inspired by the collection of books standing on the bookshelf next to my writing desk. It’s filled with words that touched and changed me. Rumi is there, next to Tuesdays With Morrie. Toni Morrison, Anais Nin and Rilke are all smiling at me. This shelf use to be filled with books that needed a place to live because there was no other space. Just a collection of random books without meaning.

I’ve decided to only keep things in my home that make my heart sing. And when I did this I realized that everyday I’ve been staring at books that fall flat on my heart. Now when I look over, I see all the books that made me laugh, cry and think, knowing that I changed after reading these books. They even look more colourful.

I can’t understand why I ever kept stuff that didn’t make me feel good. There were a lot of ‘whatever’ things that I kept out of fear – fear of wasting money, fear that I’ll need it some day, and fear of letting go in general. I don’t think I’m afraid anymore. It’s no coincidence that I’m actively clearing out my personal cobwebs, and my home is becoming more bright and beautiful.

I’m beginning to live into the dream I have for myself.

I realized that I have create a healthier relationship with myself before I can live into the vision that I have for my life. I’ve been wondering why certain parts of my life were stagnant while others flowed happily. It’s because I have frustrations with myself that I’ve never dealt with, that I didn’t even know were there. The lightening of this suddenly struck me a few days ago and turned me into a puddle of tears. I was aware of the things I needed to work out with the people in my life, but never did I think that the biggest relationship I needed to heal was with myself.

I’m excited about this discovery because it may be the last big obstacle in my path.

I’m off to get a bag of Wherther’s chocolate toffee.