get married...again

Do I want to get married again? Really truly without a doubt?

I’ve concluded that yes, I do. But I’m not sure when or to whom.

I find myself in this odd place. No one would notice it from the outside, but on the inside, I’m filled with questions. I remember married life. All of it.

Maybe I’m thinking about this now because one of my best friends is engaged and getting married next year. Maybe it’s because I’m in a relationship that is solid enough to have a future. Maybe it’s just because I’m turning 30 in May. But for whatever reason, I find my mind wandering…noticing the subtle marriage dynamic all around me.

I was young when I got married the first time for all the wrong reasons. The failure of that relationship was a torpedo for the rest of my 20s. But a more curious side effect is my difficulty in opening up to the possibility that marriage is even an option for me. I’ve dated many people. Had a few relationships that could be considered serious. And before this relationship I’ve been in love twice. The first time I couldn’t even be open that I was with him to anyone. The second, well, the second has been talked about within an inch of it’s life and I just don’t feel like blathering on about it anymore.

What then, is the first step for building trust? Time spent together? Honesty? Being brave? I’m afraid of conflict. When you fight, everything falls apart. I couldn’t even tell my boyfriend that he hurt my feelings without bursting into tears. (Not my chosen method of communication)

Marriage is about laughing as much as possible. It’s about building a life with another person. It’s about sharing my weaknesses hoping that my partner will be strong when I’m not. It’s about being strong when my partner is weak. It’s about quiet time and bills, and house payments, and truth, and about fifty billion other things.

The hugeness of that scares me, and I’m not sure when I’m ready to risk again.

I wonder if other people feel the same.

There’s such an intangible quality to it. It’s pretty deep to say to someone else, “I choose you, just you, forever.” And there are days when I wonder if there is ever someone who will want to choose me, who knows. My divorce didn’t leave me bitter, it left me broken. Now I’m healed, wiser, and so very cautious. I have learned to be content no matter what, and I know that I’d rather live my life alone than settle. But I also know that when it’s right, it works and can be so beautiful.