be authentic - believe in myself

“You gotta do, what you gotta do.” I have heard it from two sources. Two very strong nurses, who I admire greatly, say this when faced with staffing challenges at work. They know they can’t win the battle of being short staffed, so they just do their best, always. These two nurses build up strength and confidence on our unit.

Then there are two supervisors who say the exact same sentence, “You gotta do, what you gotta do.” At my job, nursing supervisors determine staffing and what floors get patient admissions. These supervisors stretch the budget to the limit. When I work with them, I feel like I’m tightrope walking without a net. From the outset of the shift, I fear the night from hell. Not a good attitude. I just feel trampled upon.

If you ever hear in the media that there is a nursing shortage, take it from me, it is a myth. There are enough nurses, but the economics of running a hospital does not allow for some nursing units to be adequately staffed. There is this huge part of me that has my sword drawn, to do battle against inadequate staffing. Yet, the two nurses who acquiesce, keep the morale up on the unit.

I can’t seem to find peace in this situation.

the Myers-Briggs TI, you would find that I generally test INFJ. But I always hover on the cusp of ENFP. I have been considering the I-E difference. Trying to sum up the the parts that seem to be life giving to me. Generally, I am not confident on unfamiliar ground. I’m extremely self conscious and self critical when I am in a large group. Yet, I find being in large groups of people, stimulates ideas and fuels my energy level.

43T has a lot of large group benefits – I definitely read and enjoy so many viewpoints. I have better control of what I say, so am less self critical. It’s liberating. Then comes the slight obsession…I find myself checking in sometimes far too frequently. I don’t want to miss anything. I don’t want to waste a cheer. So now, I am striving to spend less time here. My 43 peeps will always be with me as I go about my day, with their ideas and community. I don’t have to be checking so often.

Today is the anniversary of K’s death, the mother of my daughter’s friend. Last night, the group of friends gave S a locket with her mother’s name and her name engraved on it. Sadness and love. It makes me think ot this John Mayer song.

This is one of those instances where another’s behavior irritates me, and then to my surprise I feel like I’m looking in the mirror.

It’s a work issue. There are people I work with who use more energy manipulating work variables to ensure a smoother work night, than they seem to expend working. They drive me crazy. Yep, and I admit I am one of those people. The ones that I admire are the workers who quietly take it all in stride. They aren’t noticeable because they don’t make a fuss.

So now I’m ready to step up to the plate. For me it will mean not complaining and not actively angling. Also, I will be compassionate with my fellow anglers. There. Confession over.

Oh, dear. What a day. I’ve had some questionable test results, so I was on a return doctor visit. My ob/gyn is an okay sort. Her bedside manner is a bit unusual. As she’s working she says things like, “Boy, I’ve been a real cancer magnet recently.” And “I’ve been sending Dr. X alot of business lately.” Dr. X is a gyn oncologist. No diagnosis yet, but doesn’t that sound oh so reassuring?

I feel good. So I worry only a little. Then I feel great and want to buy valentines and postcards and examine things from different points of view and just want to make the world a better place. It’s a little bit of an emotional roller coaster.

snarky (snär-ke) adj.-an attitude that generally illicits snide comments or complaints, supported by feelings of fear or lack of power.

So many times I find the snarky dragon reigns supreme in my spirit. She takes action when I feel tired, overwhelmed, or lonely. When she comes out in the form of complaints, I think I am looking for an ally. I want someone to say my negative perception of a situation is accurate. The complaining snarky dragon finds no ally with my DH. The snide snark is defensive, looking for someone to recognize her power. The snarky dragon, complaining or snide, needs to step aside, to allow creative, maybe even fun solutions to stream through my being.

Sometimes I feel an almost overwhelming anxiety. If I shop for too long, I become really anxious. So going to Target today was okay for a while, but I could feel the creeping anxiety. Travelling makes me nervous, and we go to KC tomorrow. My kids travelling makes me nervous, I have one on a school trip and one going back to school. Unknowns at work tonight,(there is a strong possibility that I will be pulled to a different division tonight) cause me to feel off balance. I can’t wait for it to be over!

admire, nurture, allowing to reach beyond vs. boundaries, listening, other focused..

When looking at the qualities of the candidates for the Support Nurse position I consider within myself confidence, arrogance, boldness, desire, consistency, focus on mission, energy, preparedness, polish, positivity, creativity, service, broad experience, resumes, range of experience, boundaries, what do you know (management)vs. what you can learn (nursing), flexibility, what distracts you…How does this shape my own self image? How does this shape the image I project? I want to push for self change. I want do be a positive part of whatever system I am in. I do so want to be creative, and I don’t feel like I am right now.

with her school class for 3 nights and it makes me so anxious. I want everything to go well. She will be safe. She’ll be with friends. Yet, no matter how it goes, I worry, worry, worry…