investigate

I thought this search process was changing me. However it’s more that it’s making me whole. I have more understanding on why I did/do some things what way. I suppose it’s obvious when you know your two parents by birth, or were never lied on your origins. It’s still dark for me, about them.

About me it’s clearer though. Why I’m such an introvert, loner, trust no one and deny authority. I haven’t changed at all, I’ve become more myself, and I’m someone very entire, mister, if you dare come back.

About my search? Not much. Actually I have many things to do, others, to think, also. It’s still there, sure, and I don’t think there’s one day I don’t think about that guy, or my father. Yet, it’s not like it was. I hurt less from it.

I learnt by my spies :p that my grand-mother had kind of traveled. She went to live nearer to one of her daughter, but would have sort of lost a joint, and is going to a retired house. So the house is abandoned for now. But I don’t think like going there. Maybe one day things will unfold naturally. Maybe the wheel turns in the end. Maybe it’s my time to have a little luck. I work hard to impove my life, and the ones of those close to me. Because I think it makes a difference, because I care. Maybe another cares.

I’m still angry somehow, not at one person in particular, but at how things have been, for nothing, a way I’ve never consciously subscribed to.

I still don’t give up, you expected so.

I always investigate.

Nothing new on direct call. It’s strange because people, and by people I mean my grand-mother and my half-brother, are good at making undirect points, talking to you about things you don’t remember, and when you ask frankly, no one answers. Same for followers. NO DIRECT FRANK ANYTHING. Even people who are said or look to be honest and good, are not. In an average of 20 years, my opinion remains unchanged only on Coco, Gillian Anderson, and Dennis the Menace.

Ok. I’ve got news though. First, I discovered my aunt has a genealogical tree. (As a reminder, she’s not my bio aunt, she’s the sister of the ex-husband of my mother, but I call her my aunt bc she’s honest). I learnt the name of her parents for sure. I don’t know if it will be useful. it could.

Then, I found the two wankers who were with me at the bus stop.I had found and wrote to him (I was rude, unbelievable). I imagine very well what they thought, and said at the time. “She won’t do anything, and if so, we’ll receive her.” The thing is, they’ve always had a wrong vision of me, bc I am mostly a calm and kind person. only if you don’t start/search me. They don’t know how I suffered and shit my guts for the last 10 years, on every area and step of my life. I don’t think they realize that only the truth counts to me. And my life, for now.

I do NOT intend to give up before I have an answer, this is good for anyone, famous or not.

I still have other possibilities. That could be a great mess, so if your wives don’t know anything, it’s the moment to talk to them.

there is some risk involved here…

To the more possibilties.

My letter should be there so far.

You’ve no idea how many other ways I’ve tried since then.

The embassies didn’t respond. But I don’t give up, and when I doubt, it’s not about what I want, but how to do it then. I don’t want to give more details on what I’ve done since the last time. I try new stuff, and i’m honest to myself.

Checkpoint.

Obviously, we live in a world of losers, where even the fighters are doomed to fail.
I wrote several times to different embassies, and I haven’t had any answers. Not even a “we can’t help you”. I mean, they’re paid for their job? I think respect has been lost for a long while. Tell me why kids burn cars. The former generation is worse than ours.
I sent a letter to a guy who could be my father. I’m not saying he is. I have no answer, but it can be because the letter is still not there, too. I think it could need some days more for the letter to come.
Onece more, it’s a great disappointment about the justice in this world. Maybe if I was a friend of the Hilton family, it would be very faster. What do you think?
It’s not my last word though.

I’m a rather messy investigator, I keep notes, and I follow what I feel. Based on material information, sure, what I saw, from interviews also.
I created an email just dedicated to my investigations. People I contact, infos I would like, people who contact me. This way I keep a trace of every people I contacted, I know who answered me, what they said, and who didn’t answer me. I have dates and hours.

I recontacted the American consulate in Bordeaux.
I contacted the French consulate in the state concerned by my search.
I contacted a Franco-American association in Bordeaux.

Meaning if I have contacts, I could meet them in two cases.

My questions were:

- How to search better in the Federal system, different from ours really more centralized.
- If it’s posible to make follow my mail by a consulate (with the infos I have and their possibilities, I think they could make follow, with or without giving me the address, a smooth and discreet way, for instance tell him he could pass by, so to speak).

What I know:

- The man I’m looking forward to contacting might be my father, or my half-brother. I have a personal belief on the matter, yet, until I talk to him, I prefer to remain cautious.

- What I know about him: His name, firstname, middle name, birthdate, where he was born, and where he lives now (the city – not the details) – I have also peripherical information, about his family, job, but I would like, really, to contact him personally.

- I have maybe another place where I could send him the letter. yet, I don’t know the exact address either. I have one address that could correspond though, but I have no idea if it’s the right person. And I don’t want to send a letter like this to just anyone. Of course, I considered I’d put the letter in another enveloppe. I suppose that in the same area, a guy with the same name is very probable, with the same middle name and age, really less. I’ll see. If I can avoid this solution…

Fox Mulder said: “Never give up on a miracle”

Just to say… I know people have good, and bad sides. I try to focus on their good sides, and enjoy their bad sides :) All people I’ve had in my life, my mother, my aunt, my grand-father, my grand-mother, my true father, my partner, my best friend, Mulder, my numerous cats, my neighbor, my teachers they all have good and bad sides, more or less sticking to with my own personality. But the SOB, Jacky, as I decided I won’t call him the SOB anymore, he doesn’t even deserve that from me, I never could find something good in him.

I hope my aunt isn’t contacting him. I know her a little, she’s very frank, and I’m sure with what I told her, she could very much phone him to tell him what she thinks about him. I’m not afraid, because all i said is true. Yet I think I’m the one who should do that. I seriously think about it.

What I think since the new elements have come. Jacky seduced my mother, young and beautiful, who still lived with her parents until that age, in 1976, I think. So she was 25. I don’t think she saw the things as I do, as she was over-protected by her mother. HE was already married, with two children, and he was 44. From my aunt, he said “a man leaving his wife, it’s life, a woman leaving her husband, it’s a bitch.” You expect that to be humor, it’s not, believeme, he repeated me as a child that “all women are bitches.” So he divorced, and married my mother in 1978, I think. He didn’t want another child. Would my mother make another child with another guy because of that? In the two cases, I see very selfish people. Anyways, I also heard he changed a lot after they were married, from many people on my mother’s side. It can be only she was fedup with him enough to be unfaithful. I don’t know if this is linked but I heard my grand-parents talk, they were saying, after talking about Jacky “HE was well, but he left”. What does that mean? I consider my true father is the younger man, but what if I’m wrong? Until I don’t hear him from HIMSELF, there’s still a possibiltity to me that my father is the one I think for now is my grand-father.
In the first case, the young man was just graduated from college, travelling the world. Maybe he didn’t even know about me. In the second case, it could be the fear to tell his own children. Wife.

Well, well.

Finally, my aunt answered me quickly. She’s very angry because of the guy she calls “my genitor”, her brother, genitor for what he did, all he did, and in parentheses because he may not be even my genitor. He’s an ugly man, he made much eveil, he then tried to cover himself, he never amended, never tried to help himself. I had asked her if somebody had ever treated him bad. She told me that in her family, her parents never shouted, never hit their children. Her mother was a very sweet person, as I knew him. I didn’t know her father, as he died in 1981. But he may have known me. None of his children has ever had to complain about him (he had 5). For the SOB’s daughter, she said he never touched her. I suppoed there has been amplification due to what he did to my mother and I. Maybe also it is because her mother WAS there. When my mother was there, nothing ever happened to me.
I admit my mother made mistakes. When you’re a 28-years-old married woman, you don’t make a child with a guy barely graduated from college, and who’s even less mature than you are. But she tried to fix. And of course what she did compared with what he did has absolutely not the beginning of a common point.
For my true father? If I have all in mind, well, he was very young when I was born. It’s not an excuse. But he tried to make contact. And I still don’t know if he knew my mother was married. Or if I was born. I really think we should talk, he and me. He really doesn’t look to be a bad man either, why I don’t understand his silence
Then, I don’t want to live in vengence, not even against the SOB. I want to live open, in the warm and bright light of the sun.

So far, I contacted the consulate. I haven’t had an answer since then. I hope for one. I’d retry if necessary. I’ll go there if necessary. I haven’t had the time to contact the other addresses I have.

I’m a little tired lately. I don’t sleep very well due to all that. I’m looking forward to contacting my father. My priorities are though my partner, my cat, and my work. Whether it’s hard, I keep my life, and people close to me don’t have to pay for my pain.

Whether it’s in flesh, by phone, or by a letter. Even if I don’t have his address and someone can give to him for me. Not ANYone.

I had new addresses, maybe new ways to make contacts. With Americans. The closer consulate (not in the white pages), but also associations, clubs. People who know the country, the federal system, and who can help to search. Or who live very close, and could drop by my message.

Like I posted yesterday, my aunt (SOB’s sister) finally answered me. As I said, her words are nothing more than another testimony to me. I never forget that one person sees thing one way. And this way I only pick the info, and keep my judgement. She started something very nice. I asked her some questions back. I’ll see if it takes several months to answer this time. She didn’t even know her brother was such a good man. So how could she even imaagine the rest? She tells me I can’t bring any material proof. Of course, I’d need a DNA test.I acknowledge that completely. I answered her that she dropped me some events, but dates? Circumstances? She gave nothing consistant. In my search, I have precise descroptions of events, places, people, dates, and I make the corrolations with the MATERIAL things I have. What do they all believe? That I was playing saxo and suddenly I said my father isn’t my father? It’s been YEARS of events, troubling “coincidences”, testimonies, and search.

I don’t intend to give up on my father as he gave up on me.