be free from codependency

Well, I was hesitating between marking it as done, or giving up on it. But positive is better :)

Thing is: I don’t perceive myself as ‘mentally ill’ anymore. So I see no reason to keep a goal like this on my list. Sure, I still have issues. But we all do. Plenty of issues.

If I stay alert, and don’t fall back into my dark patterns, it should all just get ahead, and keep getting better. It’s already 180 degrees better.

Am I ‘emotionally auto-dependent’? Not yet. But I’m way better than I’ve been. Not constantly searching for alter-validation (not constantly, I said!) :)
Will I ever be? I don’t know. But for now, I’m happy with me, so that’s just about all I need.

It’s done. I’m done! :D

either going to therapy or following a particular program, it’s sort of difficult to measure my progress in this, let alone ever marking it as done…

But well, it feels like I’ve done really really good on this so far.

I just need to find out some symbolic threshold I can get to, so that I can eventually mark this as done…

I’ve never uttered the phrase “For all I’ve done for you…”

The love that is there isn’t going away but now I am no longer attached, and I just feel really good that I broke away from my binding relationship with Ahmed. I finally freed myself!!! Feeling sooo good!

My self esteem has greatly risen and I no longer feel this hatred towards myself and constant self-doubt and not feeling worthy. I think I deserve love and happiness and I am worthy of it all.

My new outlook on life is overall changing for the better.

I have 18 crushes, some latin lovers, a job, night class, friends, fun and no time for Ahmed!!!

Most importantly, I don’t need loe to feel better about myself – not from my parents not from ahmed, not from anyone but myself.

I haven’t spoken to Ahmed in a month or so now, and I used to think about him anyway all the time. Now I have other things on my min and even a new crush. That is fun. I’m thinking about him and I miss him and it makes me sad, but I’m really about over it. I’m having a blast flirting with all the guys at work, making friends, and having a crush. Ahmed is the last on my mind for the first time in about a year!!!! MWA HAHA.

This summer I want to better myself for myself. My so called ‘relationship’ (long distance BS) with Ahmed will keep me from feeling good all summer. And I’m not too worried about ‘us’ anymore. I’m okay.

...about freezing my feelings, about triggers, and about my messages from the past.

At first I didn’t understand these things, but after rereading and stewing over them for a few days, I think I’ve figured it out. I froze my childhood feelings of anger about being abandoned, because it was too much for me to feel at the time. For this reason, the threat of being abandoned triggers intense feelings that I’ve never fully dealt with (until now). The abandonment has left messages that I’m not worthy of love or time. I’ve learned from my mom’s self-hatred that I too must be ugly. Taking care of my sister as a child and feeling that I had to be perfect as a child were two things that wrote the codependent rules that I still follow today. Now that I’m aware of them, I’m going to work on breaking them. I’m going to stop letting these rule be my self-fulfilling prophecy.

have been spent trying to please others and failing miserably. Only to fail myself as well.

It’s true you can please some of the people some of the time but alas you sacrifice yourself trying to please all of the people all of the time…that is an impossible mission.

In reality it has been a fine case of co-dependence.

We talked about this co-dependency thing and realized that we wouldn’t be spending so much time together if I had a running car.

I’d be up and out not depending on him to go everywhere with me. Actually I’d prefer not to have him with me all the time…

He had taken on that role while I was so ill and it has become a habit.

He had to become my driver because the state of Texas won’t let you drive for a period of time from your last seizure. I had to go from being totally independent to totally dependent in a matter of seconds. That was hard on both of us!

He is having a difficult time realizing I am well but at the same time resenting I don’t need him in the same ways.

It’s funny how many ways a relationship can change over the years. I don’t want to end this one I think we can transform through this and be just fine.

I’m nearly free now… Ahmed (my bf who moced to Egypt) and I are through. Sort of. I kind of ended it really badly, getting all over emotional as I always do but then I opened up to my mom about it and decided not to completely kill him off in my mind because I will never be at peace that way.

My mom said that it is not possible to just stop loving someone, and I don’t have to forget him I just have to accept that what we wanted was unrealistic and hurting us, “you have to move on with your life”.

She’s right. For almost two years, it’s all been about Ahmed. My future and my dreams were all, unrealistically, evolved around him and our very hollywoodesque romantic fantasy to marry and live happily ever after, without any real plan as too how exactly we’d do that. I took away my attention from everything else, and when it started becoming rocky and reality started hitting me it just drained all my energy and happiness.

So I’m not quite free yet. I’m a bit traumatized actually. I’m still so in love. But I’m going to free myself, going to live more… for myself, and try to find happiness once again and fun in being single (because I used to love it and before Ahmed, wouldn’t have it any other way) and long-distance free of cuorse.

Hana