It’s weighting so heavy on my heart. 1 week ago

^{Could you please stop acting like a racketeer for a fucken second ? and start acting like actual family ? thanks.}

“i don’t mean to put a knife to your throat” > yes, you very much do.1 week ago

I was expecting some amount of douchery, however, I definitely wasn’t expecting THIS much douchery. Hope your ‘cooler than you’ attitude does you well. 2 weeks ago

We had our fun but… never again. Though a pretty good day for me, today was the worst day of my feet’s life. 4 weeks ago

You’re so clueless. 1 month ago

If it’s a no, just tell me. I should’ve heard back from you almost two weeks ago, don’t keep me waiting like this, please. 1 month ago

I don’t ever know if you mean what you say. Tell me, are you being serious? 2 months ago

Things didn’t have to be this way. It’s too little too late now. 2 months ago

We have been through so much together, please don’t let us lose contact. You have supported me through so much and I really do care about you. 2 months ago

Thank you for the shitty job that taught me so much more than I recognised at the time. 2 months ago

You’re a friend. I like spending time with you :)

However, if you screw my sister over, there isn’t a place on this earth where I won’t find you.

Nadia 2 months ago

I found the diaries from high school. It gets better. I promise. Hang in there chick xxx 2 months ago

I miss you every day but I love knowing that you would be proud of who I have become (even if you are probably not crazy about the piercings and tattoos)

Love you x 2 months ago

Get over yourself. You are hurting everybody around you and pushing them away. Why do you think I have been forced to cut contact after being friends for years? I can’t wait around any longer for you to grow up.

Please stop.

Nadia 2 months ago

I want you to leave work more than I can believe. I am learning to ignore you but our workplace used to be so joyful and you are slowly poisoning it. If your ‘career’ as a dancer is so important to you: go and work in that line of work and stop dragging us down with you.

You are childish and immature, especially for your age. I am choosing to distance myself from you because I find you to be toxic in a work environment.

I hope your underhand tactics bite you in the ass someday.

Nadia 2 months ago

I don’t hate you.

We did have a lot of fun together and I feel like I recovered a lot more that year. I still feel like you ground me down though – I never felt good enough for one reason or another. I either didn’t watch the right films or eat the right thing or listen to the right music.

You were utterly selfish with money and time and didn’t see it at all. You were quite happy for me to bend over backwards making time to run around after you (even though I was completing a full time degree as well as working full time) but never did the same for me. You were oblivious.

I know that there wasn’t much time between us breaking up and me starting a new relationship, but to be honest that’s because I met the right person and it already felt like we had been broken up for months because things had been that shitty.

I wish you a happy future but I also wish you knowledge. For your own sake, I really want you to learn how to empathise with another person for once otherwise you are either going to end up alone and miserable or you will simply drag someone else down with you.

Nadia

P.S. Remember when you didn’t stand up for me against a bully? She has been proved to be a lying bitch now. Hope you are happy with that choice because personally I am just relieved that I can put the lot of you behind me. 2 months ago

I miss you again.

The other day, I realized that I’m losing my recollection of what it was like to be with you. I can’t remember your facial expressions in quite as much detail as I used to, and I don’t remember quite what it felt like for you to hold me anymore. The memories are still there, but what were those experiences actually like?

It’s a relief on some level to know that life will go on, and that I’m capable of forgetting you. But on another level, I’m terrified that I can lose you like this. You were so near and dear to me for four years—how can I forget you? How do I just let you slip away?

I wonder sometimes if I made a mistake. 3 months ago

You have no idea how much I am struggling. I don’t need you to make me feel even worse about how my mind functions. 3 months ago

Forgive me. I’ve deleted that app that’s been haunting me, and since I’ve also hidden you from my gchat, I have no way of checking up on you anymore. Somehow, I feel guilty about this. I feel as though I need to see how you’re doing, to say hello, and to continue to love you as I did just a few months ago. It seems wrong to not know how you’re doing. I truly hope that you’re okay—not just okay, but that you’re doing wonderfully, really. I just can’t face you and dare to see you happy with another woman. With time, I’ll be able to, I hope.

Possibly the hardest thing about this whole process is losing you as a friend. Boo, you were my best friend for four years. I don’t know if you knew that. But you were the one I wanted to tell everything to, the one who, if I had any news (or non-news) to share, I shared it with. Besides that, I’ve moved, and since the people around me don’t have the same landmarks and reference points as people back home, I feel more homesick than ever. Boo, in so many ways, you were home. I miss you!!!

Of course, I write this because I am trying to let you go. I hope (fearfully, I admit) that you’ll have a better time letting me go than I’m having. While I do genuinely want you to be happy, I’m having trouble fathoming a happiness that doesn’t feature us together.

Maybe in another life, my darling. Until then, boo, take care. Be safe. Be happy. Find love. 3 months ago

I’m afraid that you’ve moved on. I don’t know it, but I’ve had hints of it through reading your brother’s facebook posts. Whether or not you have isn’t actually the point. The reality is that I’m in New Orleans and you’re in New York, and you’re still 22 years older than me, and you still want to have kids in the next year or two, and I still don’t. The facts haven’t changed. We still aren’t built for each other. But when I think about you with somebody else, possibly forgetting me and everything beautiful we did together, I want to curl up in a ball and stay in bed forever.

There is this numbness that’s fallen upon me these past few months. I am doing something I don’t love-teaching-in a city I haven’t connected with-New Orleans-feeling extremely isolated, frustrated, and confused. You used to be the answer to all my problems. So if I went back to you, would these problems go away?

Of course, I know that if I went back to New York and asked you to take me back (or however the getting-back-together scene is supposed to go), it wouldn’t be as smooth as it seems like it could be in my dreams. You would still want children in the next two years, and I would still be totally torn about it. You would question my commitment, and I wouldn’t be sure either. (By the way, _, it was never a question about my commitment to YOU. I loved you, and I wanted to be with you, possibly forever. I was unsure about my commitment to this lifestyle of having children at a very young age and all the sacrifices that entails.) And you might even be with someone else already, which is what this whole letter was originally supposed to be about.

, did you end up staying with that restaurant maitre’d your brother wrote that you had a hot date with about a month ago? If you did, have you told her that you love her? I remember how you tried to elicit “I love you’s” out of me about a month into our relationship, and how I was so flattered, and how quickly I got sucked into you and our whole relationship. Within weeks, boo, I was sold. And I was always afraid that you could do that with somebody else just as easily as you did it with me. Because if I was such an easy grab for you, couldn’t you do the same with somebody else? Have you, _?

I think I need to let you go. Because even moving away, even defriending you on facebook, even not emailing or texting or calling you, haven’t truly pushed me to let you go. I am still grasping for you in some part of my psyche. All these months later, I still want you here. I still check my whatsapp and my gchat with an obsessive regularity that reveals how dependent I am on the idea of you being here, of you needing me on some level, of you confirming to me that we are still somehow supposed to be together.

How to let this go, I’m not sure. But I need to, boo. I don’t know what’s coming next, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get those career opportunities that I told you I couldn’t be with you for, but I need to disinvest myself from this past that I had with you and become present in this life, present in these steps that I’m taking everyday that will eventually become my future.

I still love you, and on some level I think I always will. But I hope that the intimacy of the love that we once had will fade away quickly and easily so I don’t have to miss it anymore.

Sorry I couldn’t be the one, and sorry I couldn’t love you the way you wanted me to. As much as it hurts me to imagine it right now, I do want you to find love with someone else and to have her be your partner in a way that I couldn’t be. Goodbye.

Love,
Me 3 months ago

Dear My Everything,

You will never know how sorry I am that I betrayed your trust.

Never.

Love always,
Me 3 months ago

You make me feel so invisible. 3 months ago

Or completely ignore me. That works just fine too. 4 months ago

I am so nervous about this presentation. I am so nervous that I can’t even get my words out while practising. 4 months ago

Because any way I look at it, and any scenario I try to picture; at the end of it; both of us get hurt. 4 months ago

I’d rather get courses that help me become better at what I am already good at than be miserable sitting through a corporate reporting class that’s going to help me get a job that I know I’ll be miserable in.

Excuse me for sounding cheesy, but it’s not worth paying so much for an education if I’m going to end up hating my life. I owe myself not to do that. 4 months ago

I’m not really used to anything of the sort. 4 months ago