One thing I can honestly say I’ve never felt is regret. I literally regret nothing, therefore I don’t regret knowing you one bit. I think you’re a ghastly writer, though i’d never say it to your face. I don’t know how I can drop my suggestions in a way that makes you want to use them, because while you acknowledge them, they’re never put to use. How can I explain to you that you need to make more than a giant block of poorly punctuated text? I can never tell who’s talking when. I hate when you ask for my opinion because I have to read through the sludge, scrounge for something I can say was “good” before suggesting something that’ll help, then scrounge again because i’d hate to make you feel bad. You’re a sweet young girl, you’re 14 honey. All the worries you talk about in stories haven’t come to pass yet. There’s no telling what’s around the river bend, just because some girl doesn’t think you’re pretty doesn’t mean she’s changed the minds of all the boys in the world. Someone will see you for who you truly are. 6 hours ago
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The offhand remarks that come out of your mouth make me so angry. I truly believe there’s no way that you, with the general life you’ve had, could ever be so ignorant on so many subjects like that and so unfeeling about everything and everyone except for yourself. You treat the world like it’s one of those foolish football games you watch as you sit on your ass all day. And you claim you’ve done all your chores and then some. I hope I have the opportunity to say all the times I’ve done your work, and all the times G did your work, to your face in front of at least 7 members of your family. I can give dates and times, you even claimed you did MY CHORES once! That, of course, you didn’t get away with. I can’t believe how easy it is for you to lie to your mother’s face about taking care for your grandmother when i’m the one who does it. You hate TALKING to the poor woman. It’s not her fault she has memory loss. And you wonder why she’s upset? Her family all but ignores her all day and i’m left to calm her. Considering I’ve been to Wellstone 3 times and lived basically on the streets and know some of the worst of them—-and you’re STILL the worst person I’ve ever met? Rethink this, seriously. And for god’s sake take a damn shower for once. 4 days ago
So, I know you think I’m just the biggest dork in the world now. How did I let this happen?! Listen, there’s something wonderful about not giving one s* about if anyone else thinks I’m cool. I don’t like metal music, sorry. I won’t be heading to that concert. In fact, I love country, glad you asked. Oh, the Gin Blossoms are playing? Yeah, I’ll be there. Because, I like them still. Even though they are like 1000 now. Right? 1000? Yeah. That’s fine. Matchbox 20 is playing?! Really?! Sign me up! I’m a dork, and I like crappy music. But it’s what I like, and it makes me happy.
No, I don’t do drugs. I don’t really want them around me either. Why? Because I’m allergic to smoke, and I really don’t like to be around coked up people. It’s gross. They’re scary, and they’ve done scary things when I’ve been around them in the past. So, now, I just don’t do that. I don’t need it in my life.
And my life is great, thanks for asking.
The dork in me does things I like. We go out on the boat. Sit around and drink Jack Daniels when we don’t have to get up early. And if you walked into my home at any given time when I’m home you might find me in a bubble bath with a large glass of wine and a stack of magazines. Or sitting in front of the tv with a miso soup and sushi. Tormenting the bird and laughing about how much I love that stupid bird. Singing songs that are in my head out loud. Those are the things I do. It’s never boring. I’m never bored.
Sure, you might catch me watching TV with my husband on tuesday nights, because you have to be able to talk to your friends about something. But trust me, my life isn’t boring. You don’t need to worry about me. And unlike yours, mine isn’t full of judgements. I don’t ask other people to change, and if I feel they would need to change for me to be their friends, I just move on. I don’t care what anyone does unless it is so negative it will affect others negatively too. But if it’s just going to affect you, do whatever the heck you want. I’m not going to tell you to do differently.
Me? I’m happy here. I’m sorry you aren’t impressed with that. I don’t need you to be. But, you don’t need to to worry about me. Domestic me is quite happy with the life I’ve chosen. I never feel lonely, especially when I’m alone. I never feel I’m missing out on the party, because the party is always better when I’m there. And I never wish to go back to the times before, I don’t miss them at all. 5 days ago
Looking back, I realize you really did love me the whole time. I thought you were flip flopping between me and all those other girls. But it was always me, wasn’t it? It’s too late now, for me to change my tune, about the whole thing, but that was what I was looking for the whole time.
But it seemed so unrequited, on my end. It seemed like you were seeing everyone else, and you never really wanted to see me. But you were scared. I see it looking back, on the whole thing.
You were scared, because you were going to lose me, and you knew it. You don’t want marriage or kids. You don’t want those things, and you knew I wouldn’t stick around forever with someone who didn’t want those things, even if I thought I could. Because, with love comes understanding, I guess. And you knew me better than I wanted to know myself. You knew that I wouldn’t stay around forever with someone who wasn’t going to make those promises.
I miss you often. I miss the innocence we had. Well, I had. With you. I miss the way you slept next to me. I miss the times you said I love you when you thought I was asleep. I miss the way you looked at me. The way I couldn’t see until it was far to late to ever go back. The last thing, is what I miss the most.
You keep me out of your life, I’m watching at a distance now. I understand that too. I never realized, I actually broke your heart, didn’t I? I never saw it, and if you had ever said anything to make me understand you weren’t just saying words to make me melt, it very well could have been a different story for us. But it wasn’t, it isn’t, and now I find myself remembering something that really never was.
We really never were, were we? I know this, but somehow, it seems like we were SOMETHING. I just miss you. I miss the fact that you really did love me, I guess. It’s what I was searching for that whole time, and you never let me know I’d actually found it. And now, it’s gone, and that is something worth missing.
I’ve moved on, I found someone else to love me. But, you never let me know, until it was too late. You never made it clear, that you were ALWAYS there…for me. And I’m sorry for all the times I was clearly careless with your heart. I never realized, I was the one hurting you…it wasn’t the other way around. You were sitting there trying to move on, and you were having a hard time. Flip flopping from me to all those other girls… because you were trying to find someone else. You were trying to move on. I never realized that was what you were doing. I thought you were flip flopping because you were BORED. But, you were flip flopping because I was finding new people and then you were ALONE. It was all my fault. I never knew. I never understood, and I was careless with you. I’m very sorry for the hurt, I realize now, that I put you through. 6 days ago
I never thought that you’d come searching, in all honesty. You said nothing, just sent a friend request and if my suspicion is right, you don’t realize who I am since I use a different last name on the internet. Either way you found me. I saw your face, a remarkably well taken photo you snapped yourself, and regrettably I broke down and cried right there at the computer. Amazing how we were so different yet so close. I always knew you’d one day fancy yourself a real rapper even though I wished you liked the Ramones instead. I saw your girlfriend(?) too, and while you were always one of the rowdier kids around I never thought you’d prove everyone else right by getting a girl pregnant during high school. Nothing here is unexpected, and yet it really is. How is it that someone so straightforward as a person, such as yourself, continue to confuse and mesmerize me? 1 week ago
You most likely wouldn’t recognize me anymore. But you wrecked me. Anyone who says you can’t fall in love with someone at the age of 14 isn’t someone to listen to. I did move on after bravely asking you to be my boyfriend after pre-algebra that day… In fact I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. And since I know I love him for sure, I know that what I felt for you was love. Real love, not a crush. It’s been five years since I’ve seen you. Part of me still wants to google you now and again. You never were present on the net and that fact still remains. I can’t find you. I don’t want you anymore, but I want to know what became of you, because I still care. I hope you’re okay. I wonder if you were acting the whole time back then. I know you didn’t have a girlfriend…I knew you were a compulsive liar, too. You fooled most people, but you lie the same way my father did. I guess that’s how I knew. I still have your watch, and you can keep the necklaces. 4 weeks ago
Why do you still stalk me on every website I go on? Why? Am I that important in the grand scheme of things? When we met you were nice. You typed like you were texting, which is annoying, but you were nice.
You were also a liar.
What did you lie about? Yourself. You were a 5’7” brunette with shaggy shoulder length hair and liked rock and punk music like me. You weighed 135 and wanted to be a tattoo model. The truth? You’re 4’11” and weigh 170, you die your hair so much it’s totally damaged (and grossly unwashed), and the only tattoo you’ve had was henna. What the heck is wrong with you? Did you think after you expressed interest in me that I wouldn’t go look at your photos out of curiosity? You’d let me on for 5 months that way. Oh, but wait, you were sorry. So I forgave you and said we could be friends. Just friends.
Later you claimed you had two kids, twins. A boy and a girl. Because when you were 17 you were raped. And a week later your boyfriend had gotten you pregnant with twins again and you were going to get married. Until another week past and he went missing? And was missing because he was shot and rand off? And three days past and he’s found dead? Luckily nobody on the site believed you for a second, since it wasn’t true. You wonder why people don’t like you. You’re touched in the head, seriously. You’re infuriating and I don’t understand how you can live that way.
You followed me to two other sites I frequented. I don’t even know how you found out I was on them. And when I met another girl you sent her death threats to her and told me I was a lying cheater? We weren’t even friends at that point. Kindly shut up, and go back to school. 4 weeks ago
I think you get the feeling I don’t like you. And, I must say, it’s true. I don’t. I think you’re the poster-child of 45 year old douchebags everywhere. And now you’re going to marry my mom. I hate that fact… and I can’t stand you. The only reason I haven’t punched you in your annoying tiny nose is my love for her is bigger than my disgust for you. I know she’s a grown up and can make her own choices. I hope you can still say that when she’s wrecked your credit just like she did to her past three husbands. She’s an idiot. But she was my idiot before she was yours. Because of you she hasn’t called me in the past eight months. Eight! She’s my mom! You should, of all people, understand the feeling I have since all three of your kids have had mother issues. And still you steal her from me! The family isn’t fond of you either. Five of them have said so, and expressed their sympathy. They feel bad for me! Because you’re so embarrassing. Don’t you understand? You need to stop carrying on like a drunken frat boy and say something intelligent for once. 4 weeks ago
You have to realise that I am incapable of being affectionate right now. I am numb. 1 month ago
There’s no point.
Also, don’t bother with half attempts at making a conversation. I’d rather yoh didn’t try at all, and stopped wasting all our time. 1 month ago
But how would I know something is bothering you, if you don’t tell me. 1 month ago
I came here by default in the most unlucky of circumstances. Yes I appreciate the irony that my dad was raised Catholic and became secular and now I am a secular raised individual just now being, by default forced into a Christian school. Haha, hilarious right? I had settled upon what my beliefs were, and the fact that I am being subjected to a Christian worldview every single bloody day is enough to make even the most solid atheist or agnostic or whatever waver at times and in short, get very flabbergasted to put it lightly. And though I respect other people’s views to an extent, I have no desire to surrender my own to something that is alien and very disagreeable with me. As a very thoughtful person, this predictament is made even worse knowing that in all likelihood, I remain here for another three and half or more torturous years. Existential Anguish is not my most beloved past time, so what I really want to say Christian University is that whole-heartedly I want absolutely nothing to do with you. 2 months ago
I had a bunch of (what I thought was) profound shit in my head on the way to pick up my mom (your daughter) from the bar.
Mostly it consisted of my recent realization that I’m your only granddaughter and I just want to make you proud. So proud. But I’m confident that your daughter D and uncle K, if they could have children, let alone a girl, she would be wonderful.
I know I didn’t talk to you a whole lot, but when I did you always knew. Knew what? I don’t know, but you knew what you needed to. And right now I want to fucking talk, Grandma.
I’m waiting for fists to fly alongside the words. They argue like I’m not sitting right fucking here.
And for once Grandma, I opened my mouth. While simultaneously breaking one of my rules.
Don’t talk to drunks if avoidable.
The results were expected, and I don’t know why I bother.
Now I’m just fucking tired and want sleep but can’t for fear of drunken parents and I have to pick my brother up at 12:30 and I have work in the morning (unlike some drunk fucks) and I just…
I didn’t mean for this to become another booze rant, Grandma. Especially when I never talk to you. And this is really just a bad, fragmented version of what I wanted to say…
I just don’t know what to do.
Other than whine for attention on the internet, it seems.
I want this as a reminder to myself later, though. Reminder of what, I’m not sure.
Just know I love you Grandma, and I miss you. 2 months ago
I wish I were in a different place. I wish I were more impulsive. I wish I didn’t have to calculate every single possibility and outcome before deciding on what to do. 2 months ago
You’ve been the greatest male figure in my family all my life. You’re our only remaining prototype of a strong male figure. Yet you have not asked how I am, or how I’m doing in some 6 or more years. I think that all that will ever matter to you is 2 things – whether I am married, and whether I am successful in my career. But you know, I am human too, which you have failed to notice. All it would have taken to get to know me would be to try and make some kind of a step, but you never try. I truly believe that for you to actually care about me I have to become a manager, and to start popping out kids. Which I plan to do, yes, but it’s taking me years to get there. And in the meanwhile, you don’t ever talk to me. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. It makes me feel not worthy in my life, because you don’t approve, and never will. You will probably pass away in a couple of years, and mostly you will care about your state of health and your estate. I have written you letters and you don’t reply. What else can I do? You used to write me poems, but there was that one time you made me cry, and my hurt tears have knocked all love out of you. And this one time when I was depressed, and it made you lose faith in me. Forever. And you walked away and will never return, like my old life back home. 2 months ago
I don’t understand why you’ve been so cold towards me, or why you continue to push me away without telling me what went wrong.
I wish you’d tell me what’s upsetting you, so I could work on it if it’s me, or help you get through it if it’s something else. There’s only so much I can do when I don’t know, though. It’s such a shame because make wonderful friends. 2 months ago
I thought it went great. And I’m looking forward to meeting you again before flying out :) 3 months ago
I may not say this to you, but I’m very excited about seeing you soon :) 3 months ago
Because when it really comes down to it, you’re not there, and you’re not as good of a friend I thought you were. I honestly stopped believing in friendships like that, but it would’ve been nice to still have you. Would’ve been. 3 months ago
My efforts in any conversation whatsoever with you are a waste of our time. Mine, and yours. 3 months ago
I push you away when I have an episode, because I don’t know any better. 3 months ago
It is pretty obvious that this isn’t going anywhere. Who’s going to do the nasty work and cut the strings now? 4 months ago
I feel heavily guilty for what has befallen my sister. I practically introduced her to the “party life” while still a newcomer to it myself, and I fear my influence of wanting to have reckless and stupid fun is a terrible one upon my sister. My influence on her as a whole I worry about, as no faith in Christianity and God is what I choose to believe, but because me and my sister are close and good friends, I fear that even though I may disregard the consequences of my own actions, I tend to become concerned when I realize it may be my fault that others suffer the consequences when the fault lies within me. I must confess that I do not want to be a responsible “role model”, especially not while still practically a kid myself. I have enjoyed the party culture and the late blooming of my social life, and the threat of it being taken away has made me act out even more in pathetic rebellious self-therapy kind of ways. I feel terrible that, though I know I am a damn good kid and son, mostly responsible, trustworthy and honest, I keep certain secrets from you two (my parents), in a sort of wordless sibling pact. I lied that I had only been drunk once, when I have in fact been drunk many times in my grad year. I respect my dad for being understanding of my youthful “outburst”(s), and his concerns, and that is what is so torturous, as I am far too god damn honest, something I wish I wasn’t. I have a heavy conscience and a very strong moral code, something which my fleeting joys during “partying” attempt to dismantle for the sake of memories, fun, and an escapist’s release from my circumstances. I realize that such material ways of getting happiness aren’t going to last or necessarily be rewarding, I just love the intimacy, connection and carelessness of such events, something that is addicting to an introvert attempting to reject his nature. More about this later Mom and Dad, and I hope that this letter offers some sort of justification for the secrets I hold and the lies I’ve told. 4 months ago
it is my regret to inform you that the recruitment comity regarding the 40 openings blablabla
out of 1296 applicants, 92 were selected to go through our interviewing process.
please accept blablabla
-the comity’s secretary”
(actual letter i got)
p00, and there i was building my hopes up :[
well, life goes on… Here’s what i felt like replying :
Re : p00ey letter
dear miss recruitment-lady
i can’t believe you’re only interviewing 92 people when you have 40 positions to fill. that’s like two people per position (trust me, i’m a cashier, i can count and $#!†). i do not mean to shatter your optimism madam but it sounds to me like you’re being a bit cocky there taking chances with statistics like that. i think i know about 92 people myself and a good two-third of them smell. you’re pushing your luck, just saying.
i would also like to inform you that email in this day and age is a fairly reliable means of communication and that, had your stylish recruitment comity had an email (which is totally free btw), me and another 1295
desperate enthusiastic folks would have saved precious monies on stamps, paper and envelopes. i’d hate to see you go bankrupt -i’m saying this because you replied with a letter yourself, as i assume you did with every other applicant. a classy move perhaps, but what about forests ? trust me, being a good cashier who works with plastic bags and stuff i know about saving on things. don’t get me wrong, i love licking envelopes, but that saliva could have served other purposes, like lubricating your hairy mom helping science or something.
anyways, i understand that we live in a democracy and that it is your inalienable right not to meet me and my beautiful pants. i hope the interviews turn out well and that only a small half of those people will stink (though really with such a narrow sample that’s just unrealistic but whatever, your judgement call). in return, please understand that you will not be invited to my birthday party. some people will be interviewed, a small ten percent of whom will eventually be eligible for a party invitation (see, 10 to 1, that right there is a much safer sample, take it from me. i can’t guarantee there won’t be a couple of smelly ones still but at least they’ll be moar fun than you). we wanted you to interview but there were 418 applicants fo my party and unfortunately we could only interview 417 so our comity decided on just leaving out the least attractive one. we hope you understand.
please accept my sentiments blabla but mosty your shameful failure.
-jinz4 months ago
I must begin by admitting some rather embarrassing things, at least for me. I have never gone on a date ever before in my entire short life, I am terribly shy and I am not always good with words, especially ones that are not written. You and I both love music, writing and all other kinds of art jazz and have similar tastes. I wish there was the romantic in me that could straight forward ask you out, make off like a bandit with you in his arms, but in reality I think he is the shy, nice, brooding and thoughtful type, despite my desperate wishes. I like you a lot and for the first real time in my life, there are butterflies in my stomach. That is not necessarily new, but these butterflies feel like they have been on cocaine or crack I think. It is good this is anonymous and you’ll most likely never read this, because though I have done some things I never thought possible for myself in these last two years, I still feel vulnerable in this field. There are an infinite number of ifs in my mind all the time, and none of them will ever get answered unless I take the initiative. I hate being so “sensitive” and I laugh at myself but also pity myself, which is a terrible habit. In theory, this not only a letter to you, but a letter to me in this present moment to not let you slip away and hopefully get to know you better. But I would be lying to every fiber of my soul if I said I wanted to just be your friend.
Me 4 months ago
dear ice cream,
you shouldn’t whisper to me this way as i am reclined in this cozy spot. even though i am far away in my upstairs bed, i still hear your beckoning from the freezer facing west.
this could mean there is a sense of urgency. i am unsure on which behalf, yours or mine?
today his honorable kissed me on the cheeks and said “you are still beautiful, despite all” while i felt the homemade felafel settle nicely on my hips after our quiet lunch. what a conflict this raised in my consciousness.
my hips have screamed “hhheeeeellllllllnnnoooo!!!” as i am considering a trip down to see you, but my tongue is begging with a fervor filled “pppllleeeeasseeee!!!” showing favoritism to a certain sibling could be awkward for me later on.
the wretched pleasures you bring are desirably dreadful.
your fatass favorite 5 months ago