If there’s anyone I worked hard on not shutting out, it was you. It’s that I never thought I’d get the cold shoulder from you, when what I needed most was a hug. 1 week ago
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I’m very sorry for being more private than usual. I realise that I’m pushing you away, but bear with me, I don’t know how to deal with this episode, and I don’t think you’d have a better idea, and I don’t want to put you through any of this. 4 weeks ago
One thing I can honestly say I’ve never felt is regret. I literally regret nothing, therefore I don’t regret knowing you one bit. I think you’re a ghastly writer, though i’d never say it to your face. I don’t know how I can drop my suggestions in a way that makes you want to use them, because while you acknowledge them, they’re never put to use. How can I explain to you that you need to make more than a giant block of poorly punctuated text? I can never tell who’s talking when. I hate when you ask for my opinion because I have to read through the sludge, scrounge for something I can say was “good” before suggesting something that’ll help, then scrounge again because i’d hate to make you feel bad. You’re a sweet young girl, you’re 14 honey. All the worries you talk about in stories haven’t come to pass yet. There’s no telling what’s around the river bend, just because some girl doesn’t think you’re pretty doesn’t mean she’s changed the minds of all the boys in the world. Someone will see you for who you truly are. 1 month ago
The offhand remarks that come out of your mouth make me so angry. I truly believe there’s no way that you, with the general life you’ve had, could ever be so ignorant on so many subjects like that and so unfeeling about everything and everyone except for yourself. You treat the world like it’s one of those foolish football games you watch as you sit on your ass all day. And you claim you’ve done all your chores and then some. I hope I have the opportunity to say all the times I’ve done your work, and all the times G did your work, to your face in front of at least 7 members of your family. I can give dates and times, you even claimed you did MY CHORES once! That, of course, you didn’t get away with. I can’t believe how easy it is for you to lie to your mother’s face about taking care for your grandmother when i’m the one who does it. You hate TALKING to the poor woman. It’s not her fault she has memory loss. And you wonder why she’s upset? Her family all but ignores her all day and i’m left to calm her. Considering I’ve been to Wellstone 3 times and lived basically on the streets and know some of the worst of them—-and you’re STILL the worst person I’ve ever met? Rethink this, seriously. And for god’s sake take a damn shower for once. 1 month ago
So, I know you think I’m just the biggest dork in the world now. How did I let this happen?! Listen, there’s something wonderful about not giving one s* about if anyone else thinks I’m cool. I don’t like metal music, sorry. I won’t be heading to that concert. In fact, I love country, glad you asked. Oh, the Gin Blossoms are playing? Yeah, I’ll be there. Because, I like them still. Even though they are like 1000 now. Right? 1000? Yeah. That’s fine. Matchbox 20 is playing?! Really?! Sign me up! I’m a dork, and I like crappy music. But it’s what I like, and it makes me happy.
No, I don’t do drugs. I don’t really want them around me either. Why? Because I’m allergic to smoke, and I really don’t like to be around coked up people. It’s gross. They’re scary, and they’ve done scary things when I’ve been around them in the past. So, now, I just don’t do that. I don’t need it in my life.
And my life is great, thanks for asking.
The dork in me does things I like. We go out on the boat. Sit around and drink Jack Daniels when we don’t have to get up early. And if you walked into my home at any given time when I’m home you might find me in a bubble bath with a large glass of wine and a stack of magazines. Or sitting in front of the tv with a miso soup and sushi. Tormenting the bird and laughing about how much I love that stupid bird. Singing songs that are in my head out loud. Those are the things I do. It’s never boring. I’m never bored.
Sure, you might catch me watching TV with my husband on tuesday nights, because you have to be able to talk to your friends about something. But trust me, my life isn’t boring. You don’t need to worry about me. And unlike yours, mine isn’t full of judgements. I don’t ask other people to change, and if I feel they would need to change for me to be their friends, I just move on. I don’t care what anyone does unless it is so negative it will affect others negatively too. But if it’s just going to affect you, do whatever the heck you want. I’m not going to tell you to do differently.
Me? I’m happy here. I’m sorry you aren’t impressed with that. I don’t need you to be. But, you don’t need to to worry about me. Domestic me is quite happy with the life I’ve chosen. I never feel lonely, especially when I’m alone. I never feel I’m missing out on the party, because the party is always better when I’m there. And I never wish to go back to the times before, I don’t miss them at all. 1 month ago
Looking back, I realize you really did love me the whole time. I thought you were flip flopping between me and all those other girls. But it was always me, wasn’t it? It’s too late now, for me to change my tune, about the whole thing, but that was what I was looking for the whole time.
But it seemed so unrequited, on my end. It seemed like you were seeing everyone else, and you never really wanted to see me. But you were scared. I see it looking back, on the whole thing.
You were scared, because you were going to lose me, and you knew it. You don’t want marriage or kids. You don’t want those things, and you knew I wouldn’t stick around forever with someone who didn’t want those things, even if I thought I could. Because, with love comes understanding, I guess. And you knew me better than I wanted to know myself. You knew that I wouldn’t stay around forever with someone who wasn’t going to make those promises.
I miss you often. I miss the innocence we had. Well, I had. With you. I miss the way you slept next to me. I miss the times you said I love you when you thought I was asleep. I miss the way you looked at me. The way I couldn’t see until it was far to late to ever go back. The last thing, is what I miss the most.
You keep me out of your life, I’m watching at a distance now. I understand that too. I never realized, I actually broke your heart, didn’t I? I never saw it, and if you had ever said anything to make me understand you weren’t just saying words to make me melt, it very well could have been a different story for us. But it wasn’t, it isn’t, and now I find myself remembering something that really never was.
We really never were, were we? I know this, but somehow, it seems like we were SOMETHING. I just miss you. I miss the fact that you really did love me, I guess. It’s what I was searching for that whole time, and you never let me know I’d actually found it. And now, it’s gone, and that is something worth missing.
I’ve moved on, I found someone else to love me. But, you never let me know, until it was too late. You never made it clear, that you were ALWAYS there…for me. And I’m sorry for all the times I was clearly careless with your heart. I never realized, I was the one hurting you…it wasn’t the other way around. You were sitting there trying to move on, and you were having a hard time. Flip flopping from me to all those other girls… because you were trying to find someone else. You were trying to move on. I never realized that was what you were doing. I thought you were flip flopping because you were BORED. But, you were flip flopping because I was finding new people and then you were ALONE. It was all my fault. I never knew. I never understood, and I was careless with you. I’m very sorry for the hurt, I realize now, that I put you through. 1 month ago
I never thought that you’d come searching, in all honesty. You said nothing, just sent a friend request and if my suspicion is right, you don’t realize who I am since I use a different last name on the internet. Either way you found me. I saw your face, a remarkably well taken photo you snapped yourself, and regrettably I broke down and cried right there at the computer. Amazing how we were so different yet so close. I always knew you’d one day fancy yourself a real rapper even though I wished you liked the Ramones instead. I saw your girlfriend(?) too, and while you were always one of the rowdier kids around I never thought you’d prove everyone else right by getting a girl pregnant during high school. Nothing here is unexpected, and yet it really is. How is it that someone so straightforward as a person, such as yourself, continue to confuse and mesmerize me? 1 month ago
You most likely wouldn’t recognize me anymore. But you wrecked me. Anyone who says you can’t fall in love with someone at the age of 14 isn’t someone to listen to. I did move on after bravely asking you to be my boyfriend after pre-algebra that day… In fact I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. And since I know I love him for sure, I know that what I felt for you was love. Real love, not a crush. It’s been five years since I’ve seen you. Part of me still wants to google you now and again. You never were present on the net and that fact still remains. I can’t find you. I don’t want you anymore, but I want to know what became of you, because I still care. I hope you’re okay. I wonder if you were acting the whole time back then. I know you didn’t have a girlfriend…I knew you were a compulsive liar, too. You fooled most people, but you lie the same way my father did. I guess that’s how I knew. I still have your watch, and you can keep the necklaces. 2 months ago
Why do you still stalk me on every website I go on? Why? Am I that important in the grand scheme of things? When we met you were nice. You typed like you were texting, which is annoying, but you were nice.
You were also a liar.
What did you lie about? Yourself. You were a 5’7” brunette with shaggy shoulder length hair and liked rock and punk music like me. You weighed 135 and wanted to be a tattoo model. The truth? You’re 4’11” and weigh 170, you die your hair so much it’s totally damaged (and grossly unwashed), and the only tattoo you’ve had was henna. What the heck is wrong with you? Did you think after you expressed interest in me that I wouldn’t go look at your photos out of curiosity? You’d let me on for 5 months that way. Oh, but wait, you were sorry. So I forgave you and said we could be friends. Just friends.
Later you claimed you had two kids, twins. A boy and a girl. Because when you were 17 you were raped. And a week later your boyfriend had gotten you pregnant with twins again and you were going to get married. Until another week past and he went missing? And was missing because he was shot and rand off? And three days past and he’s found dead? Luckily nobody on the site believed you for a second, since it wasn’t true. You wonder why people don’t like you. You’re touched in the head, seriously. You’re infuriating and I don’t understand how you can live that way.
You followed me to two other sites I frequented. I don’t even know how you found out I was on them. And when I met another girl you sent her death threats to her and told me I was a lying cheater? We weren’t even friends at that point. Kindly shut up, and go back to school. 2 months ago
I think you get the feeling I don’t like you. And, I must say, it’s true. I don’t. I think you’re the poster-child of 45 year old douchebags everywhere. And now you’re going to marry my mom. I hate that fact… and I can’t stand you. The only reason I haven’t punched you in your annoying tiny nose is my love for her is bigger than my disgust for you. I know she’s a grown up and can make her own choices. I hope you can still say that when she’s wrecked your credit just like she did to her past three husbands. She’s an idiot. But she was my idiot before she was yours. Because of you she hasn’t called me in the past eight months. Eight! She’s my mom! You should, of all people, understand the feeling I have since all three of your kids have had mother issues. And still you steal her from me! The family isn’t fond of you either. Five of them have said so, and expressed their sympathy. They feel bad for me! Because you’re so embarrassing. Don’t you understand? You need to stop carrying on like a drunken frat boy and say something intelligent for once. 2 months ago
You have to realise that I am incapable of being affectionate right now. I am numb. 2 months ago
There’s no point.
Also, don’t bother with half attempts at making a conversation. I’d rather yoh didn’t try at all, and stopped wasting all our time. 2 months ago
But how would I know something is bothering you, if you don’t tell me. 3 months ago
I came here by default in the most unlucky of circumstances. Yes I appreciate the irony that my dad was raised Catholic and became secular and now I am a secular raised individual just now being, by default forced into a Christian school. Haha, hilarious right? I had settled upon what my beliefs were, and the fact that I am being subjected to a Christian worldview every single bloody day is enough to make even the most solid atheist or agnostic or whatever waver at times and in short, get very flabbergasted to put it lightly. And though I respect other people’s views to an extent, I have no desire to surrender my own to something that is alien and very disagreeable with me. As a very thoughtful person, this predictament is made even worse knowing that in all likelihood, I remain here for another three and half or more torturous years. Existential Anguish is not my most beloved past time, so what I really want to say Christian University is that whole-heartedly I want absolutely nothing to do with you. 3 months ago
I had a bunch of (what I thought was) profound shit in my head on the way to pick up my mom (your daughter) from the bar.
Mostly it consisted of my recent realization that I’m your only granddaughter and I just want to make you proud. So proud. But I’m confident that your daughter D and uncle K, if they could have children, let alone a girl, she would be wonderful.
I know I didn’t talk to you a whole lot, but when I did you always knew. Knew what? I don’t know, but you knew what you needed to. And right now I want to fucking talk, Grandma.
I’m waiting for fists to fly alongside the words. They argue like I’m not sitting right fucking here.
And for once Grandma, I opened my mouth. While simultaneously breaking one of my rules.
Don’t talk to drunks if avoidable.
The results were expected, and I don’t know why I bother.
Now I’m just fucking tired and want sleep but can’t for fear of drunken parents and I have to pick my brother up at 12:30 and I have work in the morning (unlike some drunk fucks) and I just…
I didn’t mean for this to become another booze rant, Grandma. Especially when I never talk to you. And this is really just a bad, fragmented version of what I wanted to say…
I just don’t know what to do.
Other than whine for attention on the internet, it seems.
I want this as a reminder to myself later, though. Reminder of what, I’m not sure.
Just know I love you Grandma, and I miss you. 3 months ago
I wish I were in a different place. I wish I were more impulsive. I wish I didn’t have to calculate every single possibility and outcome before deciding on what to do. 3 months ago
You’ve been the greatest male figure in my family all my life. You’re our only remaining prototype of a strong male figure. Yet you have not asked how I am, or how I’m doing in some 6 or more years. I think that all that will ever matter to you is 2 things – whether I am married, and whether I am successful in my career. But you know, I am human too, which you have failed to notice. All it would have taken to get to know me would be to try and make some kind of a step, but you never try. I truly believe that for you to actually care about me I have to become a manager, and to start popping out kids. Which I plan to do, yes, but it’s taking me years to get there. And in the meanwhile, you don’t ever talk to me. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. It makes me feel not worthy in my life, because you don’t approve, and never will. You will probably pass away in a couple of years, and mostly you will care about your state of health and your estate. I have written you letters and you don’t reply. What else can I do? You used to write me poems, but there was that one time you made me cry, and my hurt tears have knocked all love out of you. And this one time when I was depressed, and it made you lose faith in me. Forever. And you walked away and will never return, like my old life back home. 3 months ago
I don’t understand why you’ve been so cold towards me, or why you continue to push me away without telling me what went wrong.
I wish you’d tell me what’s upsetting you, so I could work on it if it’s me, or help you get through it if it’s something else. There’s only so much I can do when I don’t know, though. It’s such a shame because make wonderful friends. 4 months ago
I thought it went great. And I’m looking forward to meeting you again before flying out :) 4 months ago
I may not say this to you, but I’m very excited about seeing you soon :) 4 months ago
Because when it really comes down to it, you’re not there, and you’re not as good of a friend I thought you were. I honestly stopped believing in friendships like that, but it would’ve been nice to still have you. Would’ve been. 4 months ago
My efforts in any conversation whatsoever with you are a waste of our time. Mine, and yours. 4 months ago
I push you away when I have an episode, because I don’t know any better. 4 months ago