be more honest about (and with) myself

So I have this book, and it’s titled… yes, the Book of Questions, just in case you couldn’t guess. I used to have it listed as a separate goal, but since I added this goal I thought it fit nicely inside of it.

What it is, is a book of… well, questions. But not just random or silly or superficial questions – you know, the deep kind that make people feel awkward and if asked out loud no one would really be believed to answer honestly or deeply because it would just get… awkward.

You know, the kind of questions people judge you over. You’re either a worthy or unworthy individual in their eyes based on how you answer them.

So I’ve decided… to answer them.

http://jessicasanswers.blogspot.com/

I tell little lies about myself all the time. I guess most everyone does this. Little misrepresentations designed to make myself look better—or, I guess, more “normal,” more acceptable. This may just be a function of being in society, but I know I do this because I’m embarrassed about the truth of the thing. I should be defiantly myself. And I know this: no one’s going to think less of me, or at least let on that they do, if my attitude is “yes I am, is that a problem?”

I do believe that for most people, I just don’t care if they know me, and it’s not for them that I want to be honest. I want to be honest because in not doing so I’m showing I’m embarrassed of myself. I don’t care if I lie to them. I care if I lie to myself, & about myself. And if I truly don’t care if they know me… why care? y’know what I mean?

Whenever I realize I am about to make such a misrepresentation, I want to think about it head-on, and decide whether it is because:
a) it is a thing I really want to change about myself, or
b) it is something I know and like about myself, and must confidently BE that.
and whichever it is, act accordingly.

Whenever I fail to stop myself from making such a misrepresentation, I must document it here, even if just to say “you know what you’ve done.”

I really want to stop doing this. I am good, I am working always at being better, and I should never make myself feel like I ought to be something else… especially when it’s a matter of something I’ve intentionally chosen for myself that just happens to be outside the norm.