become emotionally independent

I want to decide each day what kind of day I would have that day. I don’t want a stranger’s frown to ruin my day any more. I don’t want a rude sales clerk to put me in a bad mood and have my joy stolen away from me. I want to be able to decide each day what kind of day I would have for that day.

the truth is that deep down I don’t like myself very much. on the inside or out. most people- apart from my sister- consider me very self-confident, and I am superficially confident; but not truly confident. doest that even exist?

another thing I realized is that I never stop to think about what I feel…what I feel about certain people, situations, anything. I just go along with whatever I feel like, but never actually take a moment to realize what i feel, like or want from myself or others. Is it okay to just go with the flow on everything? ...I am starting to believe that some things should be defined, some things should be planned and some boundaries must be set for myself and my mental health. maybe this way I can help myself become more emotionally independent.

I don’t know what is wrong with me…I apparently thought I have no issues with myslef or others but since my sister again started seeing this guy that I don’t really trust, I am having horrible fights with her, and getting panic attacks from the anger. My older sister is the closest person I have and trust most, but now I feel like i cannot trust her or tell her anything. And I really feel like I have a right to be angry with her for how she behaves towards me since she has been seing this guy. I don’t know if he is manipulating her or if I am just being possesive of her. The only thing is that I di have somewhat founded resons for believing he cannot be trusted- and she is really head over heels over this guy. now, it’s like she has no consideration for my feelings or preferences. and worst of all, when I suggest her to be more cautious about him, she gets soooooo defensive and starts telling me that I need therapy and is trying to convince me that I am not mentally stable. the thing is that I really am trying to be so nice when talking to her but when I mention him she gets defensive and starts yelling at me. when i tell her to stop yelling at me- she tells that i am crazy because she is not yelling: she did this in front of some cousins once and they got a bit freaked- by her reaction and tried taliking to her but it’s no use.
I don’t know what to say anymore. And I honestly don’t think that I will be able to trust her the same from no on no matter what happens with that guy. When these fights started I really am becoming more and more depressed each day….I feel like there is no point anymore….I always thought that no matter what happens with friends, my family will always be there- but now that belief is becoming shaky and distant in my perception….....i don’t know which direction to head from now on…I am becoming really insecure about myself- in all aspects of life.

I might enjoy the company of a friend or a glass of wine now and then, but the only person who I have ever needed to be peaceful with is myself, and if I can live with me, I can manage almost anything.

I wish I had something more than me, but that’s the problem – there isn’t anything more than me being strong for me. No one else can fight my battles, and no one else can make me feel better, other than me.

I’m never going to be completely independent in the way I think I could be, because no man is an island, but at least I’ve started being a stronger person.

My best friend might as well have punched me.

I’ve always been emotionally dependent on my parents for approval, my partner for approval/support/financial help.

It’s got to the point where I feel (intrinsically, as I try not to show it) worthless.

I get botox at 23, and the only way the doctors can send me to sleep is with strong sedatives, as I worry all the time and try to please my partner, even if he is wrong.

Sure, it’s my own fault, because I am who I am because that’s the way my life went, but I want this part of me to change. I want to be myself, and I want to be strong. I want to have the courage to be myself.

I started writing down emotions I feel today. Today I felt particularly low.

My partner works and I can’t, as we’re abroad. My money is completely in his hands, and I have money in the UK, but can’t access it till I come home in a few weeks – but it means I have no independence.

For the first time, I was in a beauty salon with a friend, and I had to borrow money (it was a small amount, and I will pay it back), but I felt so ashamed.

I literally felt paranoid the whole time I was there – and my partner, he made me feel like a flippant wasteful person who spends money without thinking, when if I worked, this would be for me – like he does his things for him.

He talks about sharing, but I never feel like an equal.

I want to be independent, but crossing a line into a danger zone. I’m really scared, and I can’t tell anyone about this. I really feel isolated, and most of the time I want to cry. I want to think about the past or the future, but I never enjoy the moment ‘now’.

I am wasting my life being resentful. I am the peace maker, and I am the punch bag a lot of the time, getting instant apologies, but people use me for this. They use me for their means, and I’ve never stood up for myself.

Just saying this is helping me accept I have a problem. The next thing is working out every issue, and where it comes from, and how I can get rid of it.

I’m 23. I am on Prozac for depression, Rohipnol to sleep, Valium/Lorazepam for anxiety and I am on Ritalin for my ADHD.

I’m a walking chemist, and I’m taking these legitamite crutches away.

People say I’m stupid. I am good at cleaning and talking, but other than that, I’m just a body or perhaps a piece of furniture, that costs money.

I need to feel whole again. I need to be positive about things, and not enhance problems, and I need to tell the doctors to STOP pumping me with meds. I want to feel this pain in its real form, as right now, my heart is racing, its two a.m., and I want to scream, or throw eggs at trees or something.

I’m not depressed. I’m angry. I am angry and resentful, but the people I love aren’t the ones to blame. I am.

I’ve suddenly realised that I’ve spent the last 12 years in relationships or trying to get into a relationship or trying to get out of a relationship or…

I need to get by on my own for a bit. No more women until I’ve ironed out my emotional needs and know what I want. Well maybe a special someone if she would. But noone else!

I feel angry and resentful.

I hate to depend emotionally on men, especcialy the one I am thinking about all day.