It has been many years since I was depressed. I have ups and downs like anyone, but no more getting stuck in the downs. I am very thoughtful of what I eat, drink, sleep, and exercise, plus I make sure that I have meaningful work and goals. I look back and see that I wasn’t living true to my self, but once I did some deep work to figure out what was truly important to me and moved my path into that direction, once I admitted who I really am, the depression dissipated. It isn’t always easy and some people are threatened by the serenity and purpose, but it is their path to address. 1 day ago

My sleep patterns are getting worse. Before I went back on the meds I was waking up around 4:30am, usually in a panic, and would be awake for three hours and then get tired again. Now, I take my meds, and about three hours later I pop up wide awake and stay that way. Last night, I looked at the clock the first time at 1:47am. Then I was pretty much awake until my radio went off at 7:30. There is no way I can be functional with this little sleep. I am going to need to see my GP and figure out what to do. The anxiety/depression is getting more manageable, but two hours sleep is not nearly enough. 2 months ago

I am really getting tired of this. Today was the worst day I have had in quite a while now. I am not sure if it is because of the finances or what, but my anxiety was insane today. It started about five am and just kept getting worse. When I tried to get up later in the morning, the dizziness kept me from getting far. The more I need to get off my butt and actually do something, the more it hits and the more paralyzed I feel. This is getting very old quickly… 3 months ago

This afternoon I went and talked to Mental Health. Intending on just stopping in and picking up some brochures I ended up filling out paperwork and talking to an intake worker. Having been on the other side of the desk I have to say it felt a bit strange to be answering the form questions instead of asking them. 3 months ago

I just started taking my meds again tonight. It takes a couple of weeks for things to kick in, so here’s hoping. 3 months ago

With all due respect to Mick and the boys I am going to see my GP and see about getting back on my meds. It should not be a tough sell since he doesn’t know that I stopped taking them over a year ago, and will probably wag his finger at me for doing so without his consultation. It is definitely not something I would recommend anyone else do.

The bottom line is that I thought I could handle things on my own. I had thought that if I got my weight training back on track, worked on some CBT on my own, that I could handle the depression and anxiety and all the fun and games that come along with, but I can’t. I am at a point where my anxiety over simple job applications gets so intense I might not even leave the apartment, let alone actually go and apply. To have some anxiety and nervousness about new things is natural. But to have anxiety to the point that I am paralyzed is not.

So this week I will see my GP and try and get the meds back on track. I am not hoping for some miracle cure, I just need to get back to a place where I can function and start making progress again. To stay where I am would mean death. 3 months ago

After my invigorating work out today I had some time to kill before an evening meeting so I stopped by the library. I had intended on checking out some books about learning GIMP (digital photo editing). As I walked past one of the displays a book entitled “Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain” caught my eye. It was written by an MD and allegedly if you go to his website he has a lot of the research material available that he used for the book.

I have always said that working out does more for me than antidepressants ever have, so I am interested to see what this doctor (and the research) has to say. I walked around the library, reading this book and only briefly looking at the computer section. Here’s hoping this book adds fuel to my fire. 3 months ago

I wish I knew what worked today, but I was actually upbeat and dare I say ‘positive’ this afternoon. And that was without my usual workout at the gym (about the only thing I can count on to give me a boost).

It was so good in fact, that I actually applied on two jobs, and was feeling confident as I did so. I wish it weren’t true, but I so rarely feel that good anymore. For quite a while now I have been fooling myself as to how low I have really been, but it wasn’t until I sent those applications today that I realized just how far gone I have been. Not good.

I just wish I knew how to capture this and recreate it again tomorrow. 4 months ago

I looked at various versions of this goal before deciding on “manage my depression”. I would have chosen “beat my depression” or some version thereof, but in reality I have had depression my whole life and I think I would be setting myself up if I were to select the goal of getting rid of it completely.

It’s not like I haven’t tried that in the past anyway. It always ended up with me feeling worse and like a failure when it returned. So if I could manage it, and the anxiety that is also a significant issue for me, I think that would be great.

To be functional and fully present in life whether that be in relationships, employment, my community or simply actively pursing my passions (hell, consistently feeling those passions) is what I want. I feel like I have wasted years simply ‘not being’ and I really can’t afford to keep doing that. 4 months ago

Mini-challenge: Cut the self-deprecation/pity talk for 3 days.

I am REALLY bad about putting myself down/then feeling sorry for myself, and it’s not good for me. It makes it hard to be happy for people who have what I don’t. It makes it difficult to appreciate my accomplishments because I’m always looking at things through the perspective of what I didn’t get done instead.

Buuut, it’s an ingrained habit and it’s HARD to stop. So, at the very least, I will:
- When consciously aware that I am either putting myself down or feeling sorry for myself, make an effort to distract myself.
- At that time, remind myself that I have flaws and virtues just like every other human on earth, and need neither the self-beating-up or the self-pity/envying of others.
- Limit putting myself down when talking to others.

If I can pull off being conscious of this for 3 days, we’ll try to up it from there. :) 14 months ago

Had to CBT the crap out of everything today, even to get myself to have a shower and eat.
I don’t think I really got over the last mild bout I had. I’m still okay if I’m out and distracted but I just had 2.5 days at home by myself. Bad idea. 18 months ago

Have been feeling miserable the past couple of weeks. Took a bit of time off work, haven’t felt up to doing normal level of activities…. Saw a photo of my ex-boyfriend on facebook with his new gf and it made me really sad. I feel like I will never get over my tendencies, right now it seems impossible to scale.

In the past, things have always gone in cycles, I wish I knew what to do to get out of this tailspin. Right now all I can do is hold on. 19 months ago

Forgetting to refill my Celexa is never a good thing.

I am not totally comfortable with it, but having medication has been a godsend to me in helping manage my depression. I don’t know if it will ever go away, but it is definitely something I can manage with the help. 20 months ago

I’ve been feeling like a different person since my bf & I had a chat about what was going on with our relationship and plans for the next 12 months. A huge weight off my shoulders to finally tell him what’s been worrying me and make some concrete plans.
I didn’t realise how much that one aspect of worry was exacerbating my problems. Moral of the story is I need to communicate with him WHEN I’m worried or upset about things, not mull over them for months, get to the point of wanting to break up THEN deal with them. I knew that at the time but being motivated or assertive enough to initiate such a serious conversation with him just seemed impossible… 21 months ago

Feeling a bit out of control.
Can’t stop crying all the time in inappropriate public places.
Really not managing it this month. Sigh. 21 months ago

I have not been taking my meds. I was taking them consistently for several months and then all of a sudden I just kind of stopped. I’ll go one or two or three days without them, notice the detrimental effects, then start taking them again for a couple of days. But then I stop taking them again. I want to say I forget, but it’s more than that. I put it out of my mind. I keep telling myself I’ll be fine if I don’t take them, that I don’t need them. But without them, everything drags. Time gets hazy because I sleep too much and at odd hours. I lose track of what day it is frequently. I feel like giving up. I know everything would be better if I would just keep taking them, but a little part of me is too defiant to want to. 23 months ago